all ready
things lately are ... good. i wish i had more to say, but drugs are keeping me neutral. im starting to see things from different perspectives, and i guess thats good. for example, i was walking up to a customers door yesterday and there was a dog in the yard, he seemed very skiddish. we made eye contact, i delivered the pizza, went back to my car and watched him as i drove off. i thought "what do i mean to that dog? what thoughts did i trigger inside that dogs head?" at red lights, etc, i always watch people through my rearview mirror and wonder what type of life theyve lived. what type of stuff have they experienced, where are they going, what are they thinking. i always feel bad for people. theres alot of poverty in this area, alot of people that have never really lived, and never will. you can see it in peoples eyes, and i hurt for those people, but not just those people. hearing peoples stories really hits me hard. i hurt for other people, sometimes i think i hurt more than they do, and its not even my life/my problems. i have a big heart, i wanna put it to use. i wanna be big, i wanna be important, i wanna be successful. im becoming alot more intouch with the mental world. theres the physical, and the mental, right? alot of things happen inside this head. sometimes i feel like im a genious, but then i question myself and ask if im insane. i dont talk about it much, i play the normal roll. what i cant tell is if other people have similar thoughts. my mind is constantly racing with all kinds of thoughts, about other people, situations, whatever. sometimes good/pleasant thoughts, but most of the time bad. i put some of the blame on drugs, but i have no desire to stop. mental addictions are definitely real, stop telling me they arent. im not saying "I" am addicted ... but he might be. and in a perfect world, we would all be on the same page. sooo much more is going on but i wouldnt even know how to explain it.
back to the real world. might start laying sod with bk soon, $12 an hour. he should be free within a week. can only move up from there, right? speaking of bk, hes the coolest guy ive met in a long time. such a real guy, cant help but have love for him. his story is incredible. meeting alot of new people. looking forward to what happens in the next few months. things with kelly are great. spending every day with her and i love it. going with her to ohio/canada the end of this month. i love that girl. wish i could come across some money, i hate being a bum. its not so much that im lazy, i just hate working somewhere i dont want to. i hate feeling like a slave, i hate feeling trapped. about to click update and i cant remember a damn thing ive written in this entry. and sadly, no, im not fucked up at all.
back to the real world. might start laying sod with bk soon, $12 an hour. he should be free within a week. can only move up from there, right? speaking of bk, hes the coolest guy ive met in a long time. such a real guy, cant help but have love for him. his story is incredible. meeting alot of new people. looking forward to what happens in the next few months. things with kelly are great. spending every day with her and i love it. going with her to ohio/canada the end of this month. i love that girl. wish i could come across some money, i hate being a bum. its not so much that im lazy, i just hate working somewhere i dont want to. i hate feeling like a slave, i hate feeling trapped. about to click update and i cant remember a damn thing ive written in this entry. and sadly, no, im not fucked up at all.