(no subject)
Things just got EXTREMELY complicated.
I hate that I've started to question religion because of Garrett and only because he became involved in my life. Its not that I started to question WHY I rejected God or needed to start investigating because it was important...it's only because Garrett is around. I hate that the most.
It's become increasingly interesting to me that I've realized how much investigating I need to do with everything in my life. I've always felt like I have my hand dipped in so many different interests and I don't even know basics or reasons why I support/I'm interested in things. I've always thought that I need to know more about politics and understand my ACTUAL positions on things, I need to know more about photography and technical things in order to fully improve, I should know why I'm registered a democrat and not an independent or libertarian, I don't read any reviews or information on the music I listen to even though I think its like the biggest thing I look for in people because for some god damned reason I think its a good judge of character. I guess I just feel like I half ass everything and rely on other people who know what their talking about to tell me their views so that I can know if its ok or not to think a certain thing. I've always hated when people don't have passions or don't have strong views on things and I'm exactly that person and I know it. Maybe its not to the point of some people and how they are mediocre with about just everything in life and their options, but its still fucking ridiculous about myself. At least I realize what I need to do to change this????
I've started to hate the way Christopher discusses Garrett with me because I know what he is asking me is right for me to question. Garrett's views on gay marriage and abortion are probably something I should have asked awhile ago and Christopher asked me what Garrett's views are, but I guess I just don't want to come to terms yet with what Garrett will say because I know it will be something I don't want to hear. I keep saying that I won't settle. Even though Garrett contains all of the qualities I look for, the biggest fucking one that means the most to him I'm not ok with.
Maybe it shouldn't even be that big of a deal and I shouldn't be worrying this much because I'm young and maybe it'll turn out that I'll lose interest in Garrett just like with every boy. Sometimes I feel very at peace with all of this being up in the air, but its just hard when everybody keeps talking to me about it and I don't know what the FUCK to do. I guess I shouldn't have the mindset that this has to go somewhere and that it's the most important thing ever to decide about. I don't know.
Travis and I discussed religion last night. I'm not even sure who to listen to anymore about it. I value his opinion, but coming from a religious background I can see where his views are wrong even though I know what he is saying is something valid. He started texting me after wards saying shit like he'd be willing to make an exception to no ex repeats for him and blahblahblah. UGH I could SO not do that again. That would be so fucking dumb.
I think the only way for me to start feeling better about all of this is to actually start researching things about Christianity and actually decide for myself what I believe and what is good for me and my lifestyle. Regardless if Garrett is involved or not I fucking need to start somewhere and start understanding why I'm doing things and not what other people are telling me.
YEAH. livejournal.
I hate that I've started to question religion because of Garrett and only because he became involved in my life. Its not that I started to question WHY I rejected God or needed to start investigating because it was important...it's only because Garrett is around. I hate that the most.
It's become increasingly interesting to me that I've realized how much investigating I need to do with everything in my life. I've always felt like I have my hand dipped in so many different interests and I don't even know basics or reasons why I support/I'm interested in things. I've always thought that I need to know more about politics and understand my ACTUAL positions on things, I need to know more about photography and technical things in order to fully improve, I should know why I'm registered a democrat and not an independent or libertarian, I don't read any reviews or information on the music I listen to even though I think its like the biggest thing I look for in people because for some god damned reason I think its a good judge of character. I guess I just feel like I half ass everything and rely on other people who know what their talking about to tell me their views so that I can know if its ok or not to think a certain thing. I've always hated when people don't have passions or don't have strong views on things and I'm exactly that person and I know it. Maybe its not to the point of some people and how they are mediocre with about just everything in life and their options, but its still fucking ridiculous about myself. At least I realize what I need to do to change this????
I've started to hate the way Christopher discusses Garrett with me because I know what he is asking me is right for me to question. Garrett's views on gay marriage and abortion are probably something I should have asked awhile ago and Christopher asked me what Garrett's views are, but I guess I just don't want to come to terms yet with what Garrett will say because I know it will be something I don't want to hear. I keep saying that I won't settle. Even though Garrett contains all of the qualities I look for, the biggest fucking one that means the most to him I'm not ok with.
Maybe it shouldn't even be that big of a deal and I shouldn't be worrying this much because I'm young and maybe it'll turn out that I'll lose interest in Garrett just like with every boy. Sometimes I feel very at peace with all of this being up in the air, but its just hard when everybody keeps talking to me about it and I don't know what the FUCK to do. I guess I shouldn't have the mindset that this has to go somewhere and that it's the most important thing ever to decide about. I don't know.
Travis and I discussed religion last night. I'm not even sure who to listen to anymore about it. I value his opinion, but coming from a religious background I can see where his views are wrong even though I know what he is saying is something valid. He started texting me after wards saying shit like he'd be willing to make an exception to no ex repeats for him and blahblahblah. UGH I could SO not do that again. That would be so fucking dumb.
I think the only way for me to start feeling better about all of this is to actually start researching things about Christianity and actually decide for myself what I believe and what is good for me and my lifestyle. Regardless if Garrett is involved or not I fucking need to start somewhere and start understanding why I'm doing things and not what other people are telling me.
YEAH. livejournal.