Curiosity Kills - Harry Potter - Lily/Severus - NC17 - Un_Love_You
Title: Curiosity Kills
Author: jairissa
Characters: Lily Evans/Severus Snape
Word Count: 2669
Prompt: Always wondered what this would be like
Summary: This is why you are meant to be careful what you wish for. It never works out how you really want it.
"Do you ever wonder about sex?" Lily asks, blowing air through her lips to create cigarette smoke-like fog. The stark whiteness of the snow and the innocence of her tongue darting out to catch snowflakes make her words obscene. Severus shudders.
"I'm 15 and a boy," he reminds her, not sure she would remember on her own. "That's all we think about."
Lily giggles. Severus hopes that's because she believes him, but it seems obvious it is only because she thinks him joking. That is his fault, he knows. For so long she has taken his knowledge of the Wizarding World as her own she often doesn't realise the flow does not work the other way.
"Sometimes I think it's important," she muses, tilting her head back. The slow snowflakes fall atop the crown of her head, an icicle crown for a winter queen. He would reach out to touch her, stroke the wet, red hair off her face, but he knows such touches are unwelcome. At best she brushes them off impatiently, tired of coddling. At worst...Severus doesn't want to think of it. "Othertimes I think I just want it out of the way so I don't need to think about it anymore."
Severus chokes, watching her with widened eyes. She means what she says, of course. Lily always means what she says. This, though? Rapture and torture at once. It isn't fair.
"Maybe then people wouldn't make such a big deal about it," she said dreamily, spinning slowly against the snow. It looks as though she is dancing, charming the weather as well as she does himself, and everyone else she comes across. "If I don't have it, I can't give it to anyone, and they'll stop bothering me for it."
Potter, he thinks poisonously. She hasn't seemed to notice just how Potter focuses on her, what she meant to him, yet. Merlin bedamned if he was the one who was going to enlighten her.
"Would you help me with it?" She asks flippantly. Severus falters, sucking in a deep breath through his frozen lips. Yes, no and what the hell, Lily war for dominance. He settles for a brief laugh, as though she had been jesting, rather than yanking his bloody heart out of his chest with his own spell. "I'm serious Sev."
Severus nods, fisting his nails into the palms of his hands. He shudders slightly, forcing back babbling words, but not quite able to stop himself from closing his eyes in sheer desperation. He has not refused her anything she has asked for before; perhaps that was his problem, not this moment. If he had shown some backbone before this...
Severus is not quite self delusional enough to believe it would have made a difference, but it may be a nice thought he can hold on to later. Any thought he can hold on to later, he is sure, would be better than the amount he will berate himself after this.
"Sure," he says lightly, running a hand through his greasy hair. He realises, almost immediately, that this gesture is an echo of Potter, and he yanks his hand away to stick it, awkwardly, in his pocket. "I mean...it's just sex, right? People do it every day."
People do it every day, and none of them understand the depths that Severus is obsessed with this girl. He is so close, so very close, as he watches the redness of her nose, the way the snowflakes dance against her hair and the whiteness of her cold fingers, to admitting that. Her eyes light up with pleasure, excitement and relief. Severus' words die, miserably, in his chest.
"Really?" She asks eagerly, bouncing closer to him. She presses warmly against his chest and Severus aches, the excited green gleam in her eyes making it clear that she hasn't the faintest idea what she's doing to him. She wraps her arms around his neck, pressing her lips to his cheek. His arms slide traitorously around her waist. "It's perfect, you know? Us, for the first time. 'Cause that way we can get it out of the way without any of those stupid feelings wrecking it."
"Who'd want that?" Severus asks, paying close attention to the way his chest expands, then deflates. He is usually fascinated by this, by the way his body functions, even when he has no control over what it did.
"Exactly," Lily beams, twisting, pulling her school jumper over her head. Severus snorts, stepping back, tugging on his moth-eaten sweater. Lily looks at him, tilting her head in confusion. "What's wrong?"
"Now?" Severus asks, swallowing the excess of saliva that has built up in his mouth. "I mean...here?"
Here was cold, it was empty, it was...pointless. Lily's eyes widen, her head bobbing confidently, knowing, as she always did, the answer. "Of course," she says simply, deft fingers unbuttoning her crisp, white shirt. "Why bother going anywhere else. It's not like we need atmosphere, is it?"
"Of course not," Severus scoffs, his eyes closing. They burn anyway; Lily brushes them away, tutting her tongue against the roof of her mouth, and muttering about his intolerance to cold.
"Come on, then," she says impatiently, tugging him towards the castle. "There's no need for you to freeze, when there are perfectly good classrooms available."
Severus snorts, shaking his head against the pounding of his head. Lily, gracefully, as she does everything gracefully, does not look back at him. Does not manage to see the furrowing of his brow and the clenching of his teeth. Misses the drop of water that barely escapes his eye before it freezes against his cheek.
"So what do you think?" She asks cheerfully. Her voice is muffled; Severus can see the smile on her face, hidden under her scarf. Blissfully oblivious. He enjoys the sound of the words in his mind, hating how they echo emptily in his chest. "A classroom? Or should we try and sneak into your dorm so it's more comfortable?"
"Classroom," Severus says quickly. He would prefer his dorm. He would prefer the comfortable, warm fire, and the soft, filtered light of the great lake shining into the only window in his bedroom. He would not, would like absolutely anything but, the danger of other people seeing them that would inevitably eventuate. He loved Lily, would do anything within his power to keep her safe and happy. That mattered little when he was up against people like Rodolphus Lestrange and the gang he lead.
Lily nods. He can see, the red of her hair haloed by snow the only view of her he can actually see, that her nose is screwed up in distraction, eyes focused on a far away point that would somehow give her an answer.
"I know," she crows finally, shoulders squaring, hand squeezing his. "The Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. Professor Greencase will still have the pillows on the floor for when we get hexed. It's perfect."
Severus nods dumbly. It is easier to pretend that he is going to class; that when he gets there, he would get the chance to hex Potter and his gang, and everything would be normal. The surrealism that was fogging his brain, making him unable to say how ridiculous this is, would go away and he could write this off as yet another of the dreams that had been plaguing him lately.
"Here we are," Lily says softly. Her voice hitches; Severus stops, his chest constricting. "This is-is the place."
"You don't need to be nervous," he says, smiling gamely. He means, of course, that they can stop this latest impulsive decision of hers, and go back to catching snowflakes with their tongues. It had been an eternity ago, yes, but that hardly meant they couldn't return to it.
Lily leans forward, resting her head against his chest. "Thank you," she whispers, her shirt still unbuttoned as she pulls him into the empty classroom. "I know you won't hurt me. I know it will be all right. That's why I want it to be you.
That Severus can't fight. Of course he won't hurt her, as much as it is in his power not to do so. He hasn't the faintest idea how to do this, and can't quite understand how he is meant to go about it without hurting someone. Isn't it meant to hurt?
Oh Merlin, he's not ready for this...
"Well?" Lily asks impatiently. Severus looked up to find that she has stripped herself almost entirely, standing before him in the same plain white bra and underwear set that he had seen her in when they had jumped into the lake near Spinners End this past summer. He had barely noticed them then; now they seemed to be blinding. He can't look at anything else.
"Well...er...what?" Severus asks, sucking in a deep breath. Lily smiles, giggles, and it is completely unfair. She made that noise when she managed to sneak him into her room over Christmas break and they spent the night watching terrible Muggle movies and stringing popcorn into long, unbreakable chains.
"Well, you sort of need to take your clothes off too," she points out, face flaming a bright red. Severus would take that as a relief, a sign that he is not the only one who feels ridiculously out of place here, if she did not reach behind herself and unhook her bra. Her skin was white, almost ashen as the filmy fabric fell to the floor, and she was oh wow. Did she really have freckles there? sliding her thumbs into the waistband of her underwear. "It's a two person thing, right?"
Severus nods, divesting himself of all his clothes. His face heats; he wants to reach for his wand to cast a cooling charm on the sudden heat wave, but the logical side of him knows that the heat is not in the room, it is in him. He is standing in his old, greying underwear, skinny and underdeveloped, and it is none of this that is making his face flush with shame.
She will regret this one day. One day, when she falls in love with him or, please, no, someone else, she will want this moment to go to them. He cannot breathe through the shame of what he is about to do, and he still cannot stop it. He wants to believe that it is she that is the force of nature, but there is a part of him that is just as certain; just as impossible to stop.
Lily smiles. Severus can see the hesitance behind her smile, battling the certainty in her eyes as she steps forward, stretching up onto the tips of her toes as she presses a soft kiss to his lips. Severus shivers, skimming a hand lightly over her hip as he presses his lips more insistently to hers, firmly closed.
He sighs, shaking. He expects Lily to do the same, and wraps his arms around her to try and prevent the coldness from penetrating her. She smiles in anticipation, and Severus closes his eyes, deciding, finally, that pretending is the best option. It doesn't matter what happens, he decides, as long as he can pretend that this is unreal. Unreal like every fantasy he has had, which are so much better than any reality he could imagine it would seem.
He feels Lily slide the last layer of her clothing off, and he imitates without question. He feels himself push against her, almost ready to cry with how perfect this feels, raising his hands to her shoulders. Lily kisses him again, and Severus digs his fingers into her shoulders, desperate to make sure that she doesn't leave him.
There are times, Severus has believed, that he has loved her so much that he has become a part of her; that every breath she takes he has imitated, he has wanted so much to echo her every move.
Why, then, does none of this make sense?
"Oh c'mon," Lily whispers against Severus' lips, and Severus nods, following as she moves then both towards the pillows left far too conveniently against the floor. "Let's just get this over with, alright?"
Yeah, of course, whatever, Severus wants to whisper. Instead he gives in. He gives in to her innocent kiss, and then the deeper one she bestows in him. He gives in to lying on top of her on the scratchy Defence Against the Dark Arts cushions, following the line of her body as he hand guides him to her breast, and then to her waist.
He wants to whimper. He wants to call her name, and beg her to do everything she is already doing. Instead he closes his eyes, pretends that it is not Lily's hand on his cock and desperately convinced himself that it is not his bestfriendsoulmatelove who is lying on her back and pulling him on top of her.
"Lily," he whispers, a thousand confessions on his lips. "Lily, I..."
"Ssh," she whispers, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. She closes her eyes as he opens them; he counts the freckles on her nose as she winds a hand between them, making sure that the tip of his penis (cock? manhood? oh GOD) is pressed to the place Severus does not even want to think about, and he cannot help himself.
A deep breath that tastes like mint, snowflakes and apple shampoo later, Severus lets out what he hopes sounds like a sigh rather than a cry and presses down, finding himself against a tight barrier. Lily laughs and sobs underneath him, pushing up with her hips until the barrier breaks underneath him and he finds himself in a place that could be considered both heaven and hell.
It takes far too little time; he expects, from all he has read, that there will be some manful thrusting, some passionate declarations of affection. Instead there are a few, desperate, thrusts, a groan that Severus refuses to believe comes from him and then...well, he'd like to say nothing, but there's not even that.
There's a groan, and then wetness, and then mess. Lily lays still, watching the ceiling as though it holds the key to eternity.
"Lily," he whispers hoarsely, holding himself closely enough above her that he can feel her heart as it beats against him. "Lily, I..."
"I always wondered what that would be like," she says calmly, in the same tone she uses to tell him their potion isn't quite the right shade of green. "It's alright, I guess."
Severus smiles, hoping he can force the sickly grimace off his face. He feels himself harden, so many confessions of love dying on his lips he think he should write for the Prophet's valentine's section. It wasn't all lost, he reasons to himself. He could still say...
"Oh crap," Lily swears, shoving Severus off her roughly. "I have my stupid prefect rounds."
She leans down, placing a soft, quick kiss on his forehead. Severus reaches up to touch her hair, the expected softness vanishing before he can reach it.
"I'll be late, ugh. Then stupid Potter will complain about Remus being late. I'd better go." She grabs the last of her clothes off the floor, wrigging into them. Severus sees her, four years ago, wriggling into her uniform for the first time on the Hogwarts express.
She turns to face him, lips puckering seriously. "You'll be alright on the way back to the dungeon?"
Severus is still, a faded artwork on the floor as she watches him indifferently. "Of course," he rasps, fumbling for his pants. "They're my friends, yeah?"
"Great," Lily says cheerfully, bouncing for the door. "I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow. Bet I'll beat you in potions!"
She's gone before he can reply, as she always is. "Won't," he whispers brokenly, pulling his clothes back on as tidiliy as he can. "I'll win this time."
He would. This one time, he would win.
Author: jairissa
Characters: Lily Evans/Severus Snape
Word Count: 2669
Prompt: Always wondered what this would be like
Summary: This is why you are meant to be careful what you wish for. It never works out how you really want it.
"Do you ever wonder about sex?" Lily asks, blowing air through her lips to create cigarette smoke-like fog. The stark whiteness of the snow and the innocence of her tongue darting out to catch snowflakes make her words obscene. Severus shudders.
"I'm 15 and a boy," he reminds her, not sure she would remember on her own. "That's all we think about."
Lily giggles. Severus hopes that's because she believes him, but it seems obvious it is only because she thinks him joking. That is his fault, he knows. For so long she has taken his knowledge of the Wizarding World as her own she often doesn't realise the flow does not work the other way.
"Sometimes I think it's important," she muses, tilting her head back. The slow snowflakes fall atop the crown of her head, an icicle crown for a winter queen. He would reach out to touch her, stroke the wet, red hair off her face, but he knows such touches are unwelcome. At best she brushes them off impatiently, tired of coddling. At worst...Severus doesn't want to think of it. "Othertimes I think I just want it out of the way so I don't need to think about it anymore."
Severus chokes, watching her with widened eyes. She means what she says, of course. Lily always means what she says. This, though? Rapture and torture at once. It isn't fair.
"Maybe then people wouldn't make such a big deal about it," she said dreamily, spinning slowly against the snow. It looks as though she is dancing, charming the weather as well as she does himself, and everyone else she comes across. "If I don't have it, I can't give it to anyone, and they'll stop bothering me for it."
Potter, he thinks poisonously. She hasn't seemed to notice just how Potter focuses on her, what she meant to him, yet. Merlin bedamned if he was the one who was going to enlighten her.
"Would you help me with it?" She asks flippantly. Severus falters, sucking in a deep breath through his frozen lips. Yes, no and what the hell, Lily war for dominance. He settles for a brief laugh, as though she had been jesting, rather than yanking his bloody heart out of his chest with his own spell. "I'm serious Sev."
Severus nods, fisting his nails into the palms of his hands. He shudders slightly, forcing back babbling words, but not quite able to stop himself from closing his eyes in sheer desperation. He has not refused her anything she has asked for before; perhaps that was his problem, not this moment. If he had shown some backbone before this...
Severus is not quite self delusional enough to believe it would have made a difference, but it may be a nice thought he can hold on to later. Any thought he can hold on to later, he is sure, would be better than the amount he will berate himself after this.
"Sure," he says lightly, running a hand through his greasy hair. He realises, almost immediately, that this gesture is an echo of Potter, and he yanks his hand away to stick it, awkwardly, in his pocket. "I mean...it's just sex, right? People do it every day."
People do it every day, and none of them understand the depths that Severus is obsessed with this girl. He is so close, so very close, as he watches the redness of her nose, the way the snowflakes dance against her hair and the whiteness of her cold fingers, to admitting that. Her eyes light up with pleasure, excitement and relief. Severus' words die, miserably, in his chest.
"Really?" She asks eagerly, bouncing closer to him. She presses warmly against his chest and Severus aches, the excited green gleam in her eyes making it clear that she hasn't the faintest idea what she's doing to him. She wraps her arms around his neck, pressing her lips to his cheek. His arms slide traitorously around her waist. "It's perfect, you know? Us, for the first time. 'Cause that way we can get it out of the way without any of those stupid feelings wrecking it."
"Who'd want that?" Severus asks, paying close attention to the way his chest expands, then deflates. He is usually fascinated by this, by the way his body functions, even when he has no control over what it did.
"Exactly," Lily beams, twisting, pulling her school jumper over her head. Severus snorts, stepping back, tugging on his moth-eaten sweater. Lily looks at him, tilting her head in confusion. "What's wrong?"
"Now?" Severus asks, swallowing the excess of saliva that has built up in his mouth. "I mean...here?"
Here was cold, it was empty, it was...pointless. Lily's eyes widen, her head bobbing confidently, knowing, as she always did, the answer. "Of course," she says simply, deft fingers unbuttoning her crisp, white shirt. "Why bother going anywhere else. It's not like we need atmosphere, is it?"
"Of course not," Severus scoffs, his eyes closing. They burn anyway; Lily brushes them away, tutting her tongue against the roof of her mouth, and muttering about his intolerance to cold.
"Come on, then," she says impatiently, tugging him towards the castle. "There's no need for you to freeze, when there are perfectly good classrooms available."
Severus snorts, shaking his head against the pounding of his head. Lily, gracefully, as she does everything gracefully, does not look back at him. Does not manage to see the furrowing of his brow and the clenching of his teeth. Misses the drop of water that barely escapes his eye before it freezes against his cheek.
"So what do you think?" She asks cheerfully. Her voice is muffled; Severus can see the smile on her face, hidden under her scarf. Blissfully oblivious. He enjoys the sound of the words in his mind, hating how they echo emptily in his chest. "A classroom? Or should we try and sneak into your dorm so it's more comfortable?"
"Classroom," Severus says quickly. He would prefer his dorm. He would prefer the comfortable, warm fire, and the soft, filtered light of the great lake shining into the only window in his bedroom. He would not, would like absolutely anything but, the danger of other people seeing them that would inevitably eventuate. He loved Lily, would do anything within his power to keep her safe and happy. That mattered little when he was up against people like Rodolphus Lestrange and the gang he lead.
Lily nods. He can see, the red of her hair haloed by snow the only view of her he can actually see, that her nose is screwed up in distraction, eyes focused on a far away point that would somehow give her an answer.
"I know," she crows finally, shoulders squaring, hand squeezing his. "The Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. Professor Greencase will still have the pillows on the floor for when we get hexed. It's perfect."
Severus nods dumbly. It is easier to pretend that he is going to class; that when he gets there, he would get the chance to hex Potter and his gang, and everything would be normal. The surrealism that was fogging his brain, making him unable to say how ridiculous this is, would go away and he could write this off as yet another of the dreams that had been plaguing him lately.
"Here we are," Lily says softly. Her voice hitches; Severus stops, his chest constricting. "This is-is the place."
"You don't need to be nervous," he says, smiling gamely. He means, of course, that they can stop this latest impulsive decision of hers, and go back to catching snowflakes with their tongues. It had been an eternity ago, yes, but that hardly meant they couldn't return to it.
Lily leans forward, resting her head against his chest. "Thank you," she whispers, her shirt still unbuttoned as she pulls him into the empty classroom. "I know you won't hurt me. I know it will be all right. That's why I want it to be you.
That Severus can't fight. Of course he won't hurt her, as much as it is in his power not to do so. He hasn't the faintest idea how to do this, and can't quite understand how he is meant to go about it without hurting someone. Isn't it meant to hurt?
Oh Merlin, he's not ready for this...
"Well?" Lily asks impatiently. Severus looked up to find that she has stripped herself almost entirely, standing before him in the same plain white bra and underwear set that he had seen her in when they had jumped into the lake near Spinners End this past summer. He had barely noticed them then; now they seemed to be blinding. He can't look at anything else.
"Well...er...what?" Severus asks, sucking in a deep breath. Lily smiles, giggles, and it is completely unfair. She made that noise when she managed to sneak him into her room over Christmas break and they spent the night watching terrible Muggle movies and stringing popcorn into long, unbreakable chains.
"Well, you sort of need to take your clothes off too," she points out, face flaming a bright red. Severus would take that as a relief, a sign that he is not the only one who feels ridiculously out of place here, if she did not reach behind herself and unhook her bra. Her skin was white, almost ashen as the filmy fabric fell to the floor, and she was oh wow. Did she really have freckles there? sliding her thumbs into the waistband of her underwear. "It's a two person thing, right?"
Severus nods, divesting himself of all his clothes. His face heats; he wants to reach for his wand to cast a cooling charm on the sudden heat wave, but the logical side of him knows that the heat is not in the room, it is in him. He is standing in his old, greying underwear, skinny and underdeveloped, and it is none of this that is making his face flush with shame.
She will regret this one day. One day, when she falls in love with him or, please, no, someone else, she will want this moment to go to them. He cannot breathe through the shame of what he is about to do, and he still cannot stop it. He wants to believe that it is she that is the force of nature, but there is a part of him that is just as certain; just as impossible to stop.
Lily smiles. Severus can see the hesitance behind her smile, battling the certainty in her eyes as she steps forward, stretching up onto the tips of her toes as she presses a soft kiss to his lips. Severus shivers, skimming a hand lightly over her hip as he presses his lips more insistently to hers, firmly closed.
He sighs, shaking. He expects Lily to do the same, and wraps his arms around her to try and prevent the coldness from penetrating her. She smiles in anticipation, and Severus closes his eyes, deciding, finally, that pretending is the best option. It doesn't matter what happens, he decides, as long as he can pretend that this is unreal. Unreal like every fantasy he has had, which are so much better than any reality he could imagine it would seem.
He feels Lily slide the last layer of her clothing off, and he imitates without question. He feels himself push against her, almost ready to cry with how perfect this feels, raising his hands to her shoulders. Lily kisses him again, and Severus digs his fingers into her shoulders, desperate to make sure that she doesn't leave him.
There are times, Severus has believed, that he has loved her so much that he has become a part of her; that every breath she takes he has imitated, he has wanted so much to echo her every move.
Why, then, does none of this make sense?
"Oh c'mon," Lily whispers against Severus' lips, and Severus nods, following as she moves then both towards the pillows left far too conveniently against the floor. "Let's just get this over with, alright?"
Yeah, of course, whatever, Severus wants to whisper. Instead he gives in. He gives in to her innocent kiss, and then the deeper one she bestows in him. He gives in to lying on top of her on the scratchy Defence Against the Dark Arts cushions, following the line of her body as he hand guides him to her breast, and then to her waist.
He wants to whimper. He wants to call her name, and beg her to do everything she is already doing. Instead he closes his eyes, pretends that it is not Lily's hand on his cock and desperately convinced himself that it is not his bestfriendsoulmatelove who is lying on her back and pulling him on top of her.
"Lily," he whispers, a thousand confessions on his lips. "Lily, I..."
"Ssh," she whispers, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. She closes her eyes as he opens them; he counts the freckles on her nose as she winds a hand between them, making sure that the tip of his penis (cock? manhood? oh GOD) is pressed to the place Severus does not even want to think about, and he cannot help himself.
A deep breath that tastes like mint, snowflakes and apple shampoo later, Severus lets out what he hopes sounds like a sigh rather than a cry and presses down, finding himself against a tight barrier. Lily laughs and sobs underneath him, pushing up with her hips until the barrier breaks underneath him and he finds himself in a place that could be considered both heaven and hell.
It takes far too little time; he expects, from all he has read, that there will be some manful thrusting, some passionate declarations of affection. Instead there are a few, desperate, thrusts, a groan that Severus refuses to believe comes from him and then...well, he'd like to say nothing, but there's not even that.
There's a groan, and then wetness, and then mess. Lily lays still, watching the ceiling as though it holds the key to eternity.
"Lily," he whispers hoarsely, holding himself closely enough above her that he can feel her heart as it beats against him. "Lily, I..."
"I always wondered what that would be like," she says calmly, in the same tone she uses to tell him their potion isn't quite the right shade of green. "It's alright, I guess."
Severus smiles, hoping he can force the sickly grimace off his face. He feels himself harden, so many confessions of love dying on his lips he think he should write for the Prophet's valentine's section. It wasn't all lost, he reasons to himself. He could still say...
"Oh crap," Lily swears, shoving Severus off her roughly. "I have my stupid prefect rounds."
She leans down, placing a soft, quick kiss on his forehead. Severus reaches up to touch her hair, the expected softness vanishing before he can reach it.
"I'll be late, ugh. Then stupid Potter will complain about Remus being late. I'd better go." She grabs the last of her clothes off the floor, wrigging into them. Severus sees her, four years ago, wriggling into her uniform for the first time on the Hogwarts express.
She turns to face him, lips puckering seriously. "You'll be alright on the way back to the dungeon?"
Severus is still, a faded artwork on the floor as she watches him indifferently. "Of course," he rasps, fumbling for his pants. "They're my friends, yeah?"
"Great," Lily says cheerfully, bouncing for the door. "I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow. Bet I'll beat you in potions!"
She's gone before he can reply, as she always is. "Won't," he whispers brokenly, pulling his clothes back on as tidiliy as he can. "I'll win this time."
He would. This one time, he would win.