He came home...
I should be happy that he came home... I suppose part of me is.
I didn't get to bed until almost 3:30 last night... it's going to be hell at work today.
I was just so mad at him for not letting me know where he was and the such. He shouldn't have to answer to me just because I am having his baby... It's not like we're married...
We fought alot last night... and I cried alot. I can only imagine what I actually look like right now.
There are a few things that I need to change about the way I am towards... It's just a few things that I can't stand about myself...
When I feel hurt or betrayed by something he does, I say things that I know will hurt him. I hate that I even know how to hurt him... it's even worse that I use what I know against him...
But what's really awful, is the look he gives me. I can see the pain in his eyes. That's when I stop.
I hate that. I don't want to be the one who hurts him. In my personal mission statement (my bio), I wrote, "Never react to abuse by passing it on."
Not that I am saying he abuses me, not in any way. I actually feel like I am the abuser in this situation.
I don't understand it. I find this amazing guy, who makes me feel really happy, and still all I can focus on is the negative things. I pick at him constantly. I am always getting on his case because he doesn't have a job right now, or for staying out too late, or whatever.
I mean, I have my reasons for being like this... With the whole job thing I am just really concerned for the baby in my belly, because I know I can't do this on my own. I can barely support myself, forget about trying to support myself, a grown man, and a baby... Most of my reasoning has to do with worry... doubt...
There should be no excuses... If I really want to grow, and learn to change.... If I really want to get away from this... I have to let go of all my reasons... I have to say... I have no reason to act like this. Because in all reality, excuses mean nothing... he deserves better than what I give him.
I know this is going to be a hard task... especially while being pregnant. I HAVE TO TRY MY BEST!
If I love him... the way I say I love him... I have to make this one tiny adjustment to myself.
I am not saying, that I am never going to get worried, or mad with him... I just need to find a different way of communicating with him... other than being hurtful. I don't want to be the one that causes him pain...
How could I have reacted better to last night's situation?
For one... I could've just trusted him. I mean, he did come home. He didn't stay out all night.
Also... I could have told him that I was really worried that he stayed out, and didn't answer his phone. I could have calmly expressed my upset.
What did I do?
I was such a jerk. I wouldn't let him near me. I kept telling him that I was going to go out one night, and not come home... I told him I wanted him to see how it felt. I just kept going on about how much of an ass he was... I wanted him to feel bad... I wanted him to hurt because I was hurting.
I was wrong.
All he did, was go out with his best friend that lives down in Florida. He only wanted to spend time with his best friend that he hadn't seen in a year, before he went back to Florida. It's not even like he went to a strip club or whatever... (although that was what was going through my mind which made me even more angry)... he went to a pancake place, and to a local bar.
I am such an ass... I wish there was some way I could make up for how I reacted last night. I suppose my only thing would to be to talk to him about it. We both agreed that in this relationship we didn't want to say sorry. Although he said it like a million times last night. But I can talk to him, and let him know that I was wrong, and that I am going to try and fix "my problem".
anyways, I have to go get ready for work, and I have written a book here now, lol...
- Angie
I didn't get to bed until almost 3:30 last night... it's going to be hell at work today.
I was just so mad at him for not letting me know where he was and the such. He shouldn't have to answer to me just because I am having his baby... It's not like we're married...
We fought alot last night... and I cried alot. I can only imagine what I actually look like right now.
There are a few things that I need to change about the way I am towards... It's just a few things that I can't stand about myself...
When I feel hurt or betrayed by something he does, I say things that I know will hurt him. I hate that I even know how to hurt him... it's even worse that I use what I know against him...
But what's really awful, is the look he gives me. I can see the pain in his eyes. That's when I stop.
I hate that. I don't want to be the one who hurts him. In my personal mission statement (my bio), I wrote, "Never react to abuse by passing it on."
Not that I am saying he abuses me, not in any way. I actually feel like I am the abuser in this situation.
I don't understand it. I find this amazing guy, who makes me feel really happy, and still all I can focus on is the negative things. I pick at him constantly. I am always getting on his case because he doesn't have a job right now, or for staying out too late, or whatever.
I mean, I have my reasons for being like this... With the whole job thing I am just really concerned for the baby in my belly, because I know I can't do this on my own. I can barely support myself, forget about trying to support myself, a grown man, and a baby... Most of my reasoning has to do with worry... doubt...
There should be no excuses... If I really want to grow, and learn to change.... If I really want to get away from this... I have to let go of all my reasons... I have to say... I have no reason to act like this. Because in all reality, excuses mean nothing... he deserves better than what I give him.
I know this is going to be a hard task... especially while being pregnant. I HAVE TO TRY MY BEST!
If I love him... the way I say I love him... I have to make this one tiny adjustment to myself.
I am not saying, that I am never going to get worried, or mad with him... I just need to find a different way of communicating with him... other than being hurtful. I don't want to be the one that causes him pain...
How could I have reacted better to last night's situation?
For one... I could've just trusted him. I mean, he did come home. He didn't stay out all night.
Also... I could have told him that I was really worried that he stayed out, and didn't answer his phone. I could have calmly expressed my upset.
What did I do?
I was such a jerk. I wouldn't let him near me. I kept telling him that I was going to go out one night, and not come home... I told him I wanted him to see how it felt. I just kept going on about how much of an ass he was... I wanted him to feel bad... I wanted him to hurt because I was hurting.
I was wrong.
All he did, was go out with his best friend that lives down in Florida. He only wanted to spend time with his best friend that he hadn't seen in a year, before he went back to Florida. It's not even like he went to a strip club or whatever... (although that was what was going through my mind which made me even more angry)... he went to a pancake place, and to a local bar.
I am such an ass... I wish there was some way I could make up for how I reacted last night. I suppose my only thing would to be to talk to him about it. We both agreed that in this relationship we didn't want to say sorry. Although he said it like a million times last night. But I can talk to him, and let him know that I was wrong, and that I am going to try and fix "my problem".
anyways, I have to go get ready for work, and I have written a book here now, lol...
- Angie