Unsure...

[wackyrocks]

So I was like sitting here wondering what the hell do I write about tonight...Anyway i'll just free write tonight. hey that rhymed or maybe it didn't anyway...Oh last night I slept for 12 hrs or maybe more because someone forgot to pay the telephone bill (my father) and I couldn't come online so slept like from 7 to 7, I guess I need it cause I don't feel like I overslept or anything. I was thinking about what last year was like for me and I did not like it. I felt depressed all the time and I cried more last year than I did in the previous five years of my life, lol. I don't want to feel like that again. Funny thing is that it was all over a member of the opposite sex (yep I'm a girl!)and now when I think back on stuff it was like I became attached and maybe a part of me still is but its not because I'm in love with him or anything like that (Thank God!)it's because I am lonely. I am able to deal with it better now, actually I always have ben able to deal with it. It's mostly my fault that I'm lonely actually because I think I've done the lonely thing so long that I have become attached to it, hooked on the feeling. It's quite hard to explain. Anyway so when this guy (he shall stay unamed lol, feel the mystery!) came along it was like I let myself believe that I could not be lonely but when things didn't work out I felt really bad. It's all so complicated really but... A part of me wants to be able to hate him cause he hurt my feelings, my pride more that anything else but I really can't. It's not in me to hate and especially not for something like this. I mean you can't make someone like you, although he really had me thinking he did, maybe he does but who knows with men, and you have to realise that people are not the same, someone might not do something to hurt you cause they are really not thinking about it and besides when it comes to friendship you can't force it, you and somebody either click or they don't. Anyway lol I have a confession, when he kissed me I honestly did not feel like Wow! I wasn't blown away lol. It was like I was going to give it a try and hoped that it would get better lol. Actually talking about afterwards was better that in the actual moment. I mean I hope a kiss is't supposed to feel feelingless cause ya know I'm not at all experienced. Yeah I know I'm 22 and I'm strange and all that, special is what i think I am. Well so maybe things did work out in the end cause we are miles apart in beliefs and personalities and all that. The kiss thing was my fault cause I wasn't comfortable and ya know wasn't putting my all into it so then I really could not have enjoyed it. I really feel better writing this down cause I think I can honestly say I'm over that whole situation, not completely but certainly getting there. It's actually sad letting go of someone or an idea of someone even though you know it would never ever work, I'm confusing myself here, lol. I just think I got attached to having a problem and made it a whole lot bigger that it should have been and now it's hard to go back to not having a problem and just being devoid of a life but that's what I'm going to do anyway. It's going to be cool being wacky and quirky again. Anyway I was just thinking of the whole thing cause I haven't seen him in a while, I'd like to think we were friends but he doesn't act like that sometimes, and its his birthday tom and I was wondering if I should wish him a happy birthday. Lol I don't want it to seem to him like I am hopelessly in love with him cause I'm not but knowing him he'd prolly think it. hehe. Anyway its not really a big debate I guess so I'll email him or something cause I always feel guilty when I don't wish ppl a happy birthday , did that to my father once but that's another story altogether. lol.
Well it's be great writing this and I feels like a weight has be lifted. (this shit is long aint it?)
Jan.