Oh, So That's How It Feels
I made a mistake when I said I 'gave half my heart away'. In truth, I gave all of it, down to the very last fiber, and now because of something I said or something I did it's hurting so much.
I never thought that the bad times were this bad, but now I know. And I don't like it one bit.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I tried to make it better, but it just got worse. I just want to stop it from getting worse than it is, but somehow I screwed it up again effortlessly.
But you're not the only one hurting. Did you think that I'm cheerfully playing my games now? I've found that I can't do anything in peace if you're not feeling well, emotionally and physically.
I should be standing in front of you and saying all these, but I lose my words whenever the moment comes, and let's face it, I suck at verbal sparring and you can cut me to pieces with it when I've barely even got my words out.
But the point is: I didn't know. You could argue that this was never supposed to happen, that I should be aware at all times, but I didn't know in this instance, and I didn't know the urgency of it.
I know you hate that I keep forgetting stuff. I know that I do, and I try my best to remember, really I do. All I can say for myself is that, this is really how I am. I am not able to remember every single thing. I will forget that we're doing sausages instead of prawns tomorrow night. I will forget that we're supposed to go shopping for pots next week. But this isn't because I don't care about what we agreed on. I, *truly*, forgot about it, despite my best intentions.
One thing I can say in defence, though, is that I will never, ever forget the truly important stuff, and if I do, it's because I wasn't sure about it and I'm to blame for that.
I've also realised that I tend to say incredibly stupid things that, while amusing in my mind, irks you a great deal. This I apologise. I didn't mean to, I was only trying to make witty banter. By now, it seems that I pretty much fail at it.
Like what I said just now, just when it got worse. I said it because I, to be honest, didn't want to go through it again. I now realise that if I had been more tactful, just that once, I wouldn't have to sit in my room and listening to sad Beatles songs on Youtube while surfing for relationship advice on Yahoo! Answers (which was a really bad move).
All I've ever wanted, since the beginning, was to see you happy and content. My heart aches if you aren't. No, don't mind me - this is what I chose to do. Don't feel like you have to be happy for my welfare.
I can sense that you don't like to tell people what to do, because you want them to 'figure it out' in the end, because it's how it should be. I'm sorry to tell you that your boyfriend here is a clueless tiger that can only figure out how to hunt with the help of a map. I will clean up whatever that is that's lacking, but I am me. This is how I am, the good and the bad. I'm not perfect, my dear honey, even though you might think and wish it.
I hope that we can let this go and continue on the Road together. It gets tiring sometimes, but I don't feel like walking it alone.
I don't want to walk alone.
I never thought that the bad times were this bad, but now I know. And I don't like it one bit.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I tried to make it better, but it just got worse. I just want to stop it from getting worse than it is, but somehow I screwed it up again effortlessly.
But you're not the only one hurting. Did you think that I'm cheerfully playing my games now? I've found that I can't do anything in peace if you're not feeling well, emotionally and physically.
I should be standing in front of you and saying all these, but I lose my words whenever the moment comes, and let's face it, I suck at verbal sparring and you can cut me to pieces with it when I've barely even got my words out.
But the point is: I didn't know. You could argue that this was never supposed to happen, that I should be aware at all times, but I didn't know in this instance, and I didn't know the urgency of it.
I know you hate that I keep forgetting stuff. I know that I do, and I try my best to remember, really I do. All I can say for myself is that, this is really how I am. I am not able to remember every single thing. I will forget that we're doing sausages instead of prawns tomorrow night. I will forget that we're supposed to go shopping for pots next week. But this isn't because I don't care about what we agreed on. I, *truly*, forgot about it, despite my best intentions.
One thing I can say in defence, though, is that I will never, ever forget the truly important stuff, and if I do, it's because I wasn't sure about it and I'm to blame for that.
I've also realised that I tend to say incredibly stupid things that, while amusing in my mind, irks you a great deal. This I apologise. I didn't mean to, I was only trying to make witty banter. By now, it seems that I pretty much fail at it.
Like what I said just now, just when it got worse. I said it because I, to be honest, didn't want to go through it again. I now realise that if I had been more tactful, just that once, I wouldn't have to sit in my room and listening to sad Beatles songs on Youtube while surfing for relationship advice on Yahoo! Answers (which was a really bad move).
All I've ever wanted, since the beginning, was to see you happy and content. My heart aches if you aren't. No, don't mind me - this is what I chose to do. Don't feel like you have to be happy for my welfare.
I can sense that you don't like to tell people what to do, because you want them to 'figure it out' in the end, because it's how it should be. I'm sorry to tell you that your boyfriend here is a clueless tiger that can only figure out how to hunt with the help of a map. I will clean up whatever that is that's lacking, but I am me. This is how I am, the good and the bad. I'm not perfect, my dear honey, even though you might think and wish it.
I hope that we can let this go and continue on the Road together. It gets tiring sometimes, but I don't feel like walking it alone.
I don't want to walk alone.