Malfeasance
This morning when I was late for work and I will admit I will a little behind schedule leaving, but there was an accident across from the entrance ramp to N. 23 on westbound 94 I was so angry and all I can ever think is how malfeasant the drivers around here are. I mentioned this fact often to individuals and even to the counselor I’m seeing, I found it amusing how I was bitching about “minority” drivers (and I have no idea if the drivers in the accident today were “minorities”) and he said to me “yes, there are drivers with less experience here”. I guess that’s his politically correct way of saying it.
At any rate, people who know me know how I bitch about other people driving but did I really have any data to back up that Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti drivers really are shittier drivers than in Grand Rapids or elsewhere. Well before now I did not. Today after I went to the Secretary of State to renew my license plate tab (surprisingly I got out of the SOS office in about 20 minutes) I went online to update my address with my car insurance. With putting myself in an Ann Arbor address my car insurance rose by 125.00 every six months. Car insurance rates are based on underwriting statistics of claims (i.e. accidents and other clusterfucks causing damage to a vehicle) so it is obvious and apparent that individuals are getting into more accidents over here and it just blows my mind - this fucking city is four times smaller than Grand Rapids yet people seem to have no fucking clue what the hell is going on. They can’t get out of their own way much less anyone else's.
This is why it is so imperative that we have legislation put in place that has much stiffer penalties on individuals who are at fault of an accident. We must let the peace officers who respond to the scene of an accident summarily execute the person or persons responsible. So much is lost everytime there is an accident, from the monetary damage to the lost wages of those who must sit in traffic and burning more fuel. Not to mention that when these accidents occur they impede others, impeding others from exercising their free will, holding them captive, is tantamount to rape. This is egregious and we must have penalties that truly fit the crimes that are being committed in plain sight every day.
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In other news I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I do have central sleep apnea and I’m sure that has something to do it with. My dreams have been very strange as well. In the past year I’ve now have three heterosexual sex dreams with two of them being in the last week or so and I’m not sure why. Ever growing up, I never had sex dreams homosexual, heterosexual or otherwise, so now why this is coming on I’m not sure. One of them even involved my first counselor Linda, a woman who by all rights is an attractive woman in her 40s but I never had any sexual attraction to her. I wonder what all that means. In all this time I’ve never had any second thoughts about my sexuality or anything of the like, everything is at it is. So why is my subconscious now coming at me with these things?
I also have been getting pretty bored. I’ve been trying to keep myself occupied with things like my Star Trek Voyager and Dungeons and Dragons DVDs from Netflix and the Dragon Lance books from the library but something seems missing. I probably need more socialization but I find it so hard. The two people I’m closest to here in Ann Arbor are really busy - makes me often think I should be busier with things and maybe that would counteract that feeling. While I could and should be meeting other people it seems so difficult. Most everyone I come into contact with that I think I might feel comfortable being around, they always want something more - they want to date, they want intimacy. I don’t want those things at all - not right now. I can’t even imagine myself being intimate with anyone right now. Just to have good platonic relationships with others - people who don’t want anything from you but your platonic companionship.
I had another thought today - well maybe in the last two days it’s been formulating. I think about things like the whole apartment/housing search and how much effort I put into it. I found a realator, I went through a six hour class through the county for first time home buyers. I spent hour upon hour stalking out apartment complexes online, reading reviews, going here and there touring places. Then once I narrowed it down to deciding I wanted to live in an apartment instead of buying a house because it felt right for me I kept following up with the three apartments I had further narrowed it down to and it all culminated in me going to sign a lease for my apartment that I won’t be moving into until December this coming Saturday.
Now I think about work. I have been getting somewhat frustrated that I don’t feel my suggestions are taken as seriously as they should be or actions taken. Yet I kept on, kept making suggestions, unsolicited or not. Sometimes I would continuly make the same suggestions because of how important I felt they were. Of course I won’t do it like everyday, wait weeks or months but keep on doing it, maybe worded a different way, whatever. I just kept at it. Now this week I received an email from a manager of a corporate process improvement department who wants to meet with me next week and discuss some of my suggestions.
All this shows that with determination, with perseverance (which I have been saying for a while now) that we can achieve anything we want. Very few things come immediately but if you just keep going at it you will accomplish what you set to do.
But this also makes me think of my relationships and how they have failed. I’ve never done this badly in the work environment and I’ve made so many more strides there. It is true I’m no ones CEO or Chairman of the board but I’m farther now then when I started. I’m farther in my search for a new place to live than I started. I accomplished those things and more in a relatively short amount of time yet with relationships even though I’ve been trying for over eight years I still don’t hit the mark with that one thing that one unconditional love - till death do us part.
Maybe I’m not putting as much effort, as much passion into the endeavor as I would like myself to believe. “We are only limited by what we believe is possible.” Could it be, somewhere in my subconscious , that I don’t believe that a relationship in the current form I have been seeking is possible?