Hi LiveJournal
It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, at least really seen each other. Life seemed to have paused for a while, there didn’t seem to be anything to say and along with that I followed the crowd hearing there were better places to place ones thoughts. Now I am back as you seem best to document my thoughts, so I shall dust you off and begin, not where I ended on that Ferry going to Provincetown, but where I am right now.
Linda my first (and best) counselor I have ever seen, told me not to lay everything out on the table in a relationship, not so quickly. There is something in me though that compels me to lay it all out, to shove it all in and then stand back and see if I’m going to be rejected. Then I start, even prefacing it with what Linda had told me and I am assured that nothing I say will cause him to reject me, he seems so eager to hear my every word and to accept and cherish everything I say, to the point of perhaps returning those same sentiments, although I can never be sure.
Now reflecting back I understand something I never did before. That rejection never comes instantly; it comes gradually, once it’s learned that you really meant what you said.
I thought though that this was finally the relationship that didn’t have my tried and tired rescue-romance fantasy going on. Now I realize it was the same, although perhaps there were a few subtle differences. After it ended he told me that he was drawn to me because in his previous relationship he didn’t feel the care, kindness, compassion that he did with me. He didn’t feel that he was listened to and understood. He said that he felt that way with me and he then understood that a relationship could be like this (I was his second) and it gave him confidence, boosted his self-esteem.
So now I could see it, I could understand what had happened here. He was the victim of a maladaptive relationship (perhaps parts of this could extend to familial relationships as well) and here I come to rescue him from that, to show him how much he was cared for, how important he is and his thoughts and feelings matter. But once he had gotten that healing from me, he was rescued, he no longer needed me. The relationship ends then with him becoming the perpetrator, crushing my feelings, making me question my self worth. This is where it stops though. In the classical example, the rescue-romance scenario is supposed to continue on with me being the victim until I cannot allow it any further and I perpetrate, causing him to once again become the victim and move on to someone else to be rescued. As much as I want to sometimes, to lash out with all the psychological pain I feel, to make him feel it, I cannot permit myself to do so. The circle - that which has no beginning and no end. It must stop. It must be broken if I have any chance of being blessed with unconditional love.
Unconditional love. Where does this notion come from and why do I seek it so fervently?
I still say that the core etiology comes from my biological mother giving me up to my aunt and uncle when I was less than a year old. While so long ago, this single act has caused me to think and act in ways that are largely I believe subconscious. The cause and my bodies, my minds reaction all stems from this.
When a mother gives up her child there is a bond that is broken. A mother is supposed to love her child unconditionally, always and truly. A child knows who his mother is and relies on his mother for protection and nourishment, nourishment that is for the body and the soul.
Now I can say, without a doubt in my mind that I was better off that my biological mother gave me up to my aunt and uncle. I had a good life being raised by them and they have always been loving and caring, they gave me and continue to give me, unconditional love. Here is what pushes me - what drives me. They are older, my aunt (whom I call mom) is 70 and my uncle (whom I call dad) is 69. I know that in all probability I have been with them longer then I will continue to be. My dad is in very grave health, has been for about a year now. We don’t know how much more his body will take. While I can say that I have no regrets as far as our relationship has been, we’ve always been kind to one another, always loved one another it will still be a tremendous loss to me. Only now that I am grown more, and my interests have adapted more, do we have more in common then we did and I feel there is so much I can learn from him that I never got a chance to explore because my mind and interest were elsewhere. But most of all, I know it will only leave one other person in my life who will love me unconditionally, until she is gone and can do so no more.
So I search on for those who can love me unconditionally, to fill that void which will occur. Isn’t this how it’s supposed to be though? We fall in love, we get married, we love our partner unconditionally and through that love we have children together. We love our children unconditionally and they us and the cycle repeats. My mom and dad have been together 50 years so I know in my heart, with every fiber of my being that this is possible.
In this last relationship, we seemed to be kindred spirits, with so much in common from our interest to our hearts, our emotions, our compassion, our tone of voice. It was so easy for me to love him unconditionally. But as always, the feeling was unrequited.
I didn’t think I was still a novitiate in the art of relationships, of what to say and do, but it seems I am.
So I learn and I go on.
Linda my first (and best) counselor I have ever seen, told me not to lay everything out on the table in a relationship, not so quickly. There is something in me though that compels me to lay it all out, to shove it all in and then stand back and see if I’m going to be rejected. Then I start, even prefacing it with what Linda had told me and I am assured that nothing I say will cause him to reject me, he seems so eager to hear my every word and to accept and cherish everything I say, to the point of perhaps returning those same sentiments, although I can never be sure.
Now reflecting back I understand something I never did before. That rejection never comes instantly; it comes gradually, once it’s learned that you really meant what you said.
I thought though that this was finally the relationship that didn’t have my tried and tired rescue-romance fantasy going on. Now I realize it was the same, although perhaps there were a few subtle differences. After it ended he told me that he was drawn to me because in his previous relationship he didn’t feel the care, kindness, compassion that he did with me. He didn’t feel that he was listened to and understood. He said that he felt that way with me and he then understood that a relationship could be like this (I was his second) and it gave him confidence, boosted his self-esteem.
So now I could see it, I could understand what had happened here. He was the victim of a maladaptive relationship (perhaps parts of this could extend to familial relationships as well) and here I come to rescue him from that, to show him how much he was cared for, how important he is and his thoughts and feelings matter. But once he had gotten that healing from me, he was rescued, he no longer needed me. The relationship ends then with him becoming the perpetrator, crushing my feelings, making me question my self worth. This is where it stops though. In the classical example, the rescue-romance scenario is supposed to continue on with me being the victim until I cannot allow it any further and I perpetrate, causing him to once again become the victim and move on to someone else to be rescued. As much as I want to sometimes, to lash out with all the psychological pain I feel, to make him feel it, I cannot permit myself to do so. The circle - that which has no beginning and no end. It must stop. It must be broken if I have any chance of being blessed with unconditional love.
Unconditional love. Where does this notion come from and why do I seek it so fervently?
I still say that the core etiology comes from my biological mother giving me up to my aunt and uncle when I was less than a year old. While so long ago, this single act has caused me to think and act in ways that are largely I believe subconscious. The cause and my bodies, my minds reaction all stems from this.
When a mother gives up her child there is a bond that is broken. A mother is supposed to love her child unconditionally, always and truly. A child knows who his mother is and relies on his mother for protection and nourishment, nourishment that is for the body and the soul.
Now I can say, without a doubt in my mind that I was better off that my biological mother gave me up to my aunt and uncle. I had a good life being raised by them and they have always been loving and caring, they gave me and continue to give me, unconditional love. Here is what pushes me - what drives me. They are older, my aunt (whom I call mom) is 70 and my uncle (whom I call dad) is 69. I know that in all probability I have been with them longer then I will continue to be. My dad is in very grave health, has been for about a year now. We don’t know how much more his body will take. While I can say that I have no regrets as far as our relationship has been, we’ve always been kind to one another, always loved one another it will still be a tremendous loss to me. Only now that I am grown more, and my interests have adapted more, do we have more in common then we did and I feel there is so much I can learn from him that I never got a chance to explore because my mind and interest were elsewhere. But most of all, I know it will only leave one other person in my life who will love me unconditionally, until she is gone and can do so no more.
So I search on for those who can love me unconditionally, to fill that void which will occur. Isn’t this how it’s supposed to be though? We fall in love, we get married, we love our partner unconditionally and through that love we have children together. We love our children unconditionally and they us and the cycle repeats. My mom and dad have been together 50 years so I know in my heart, with every fiber of my being that this is possible.
In this last relationship, we seemed to be kindred spirits, with so much in common from our interest to our hearts, our emotions, our compassion, our tone of voice. It was so easy for me to love him unconditionally. But as always, the feeling was unrequited.
I didn’t think I was still a novitiate in the art of relationships, of what to say and do, but it seems I am.
So I learn and I go on.