(no subject)
So I wrote this entry once but I'm a loser and pasted over it with something else instead of copying it before posting - in case there was an issue and auto save - saved the last paste. I guess it helped writing it anyway - so I'll write it again or whatever the fuck it is I can remember.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I really like this clip as well from Madonna's Confessions tour - http://home.comcast.net/~wacky-backpacker/Future_Lovers-2.mp3
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fuck it lets not even make this coherent
-----
This evening while coming back from a failed trip to the mall - they closed earlier than I thought - something suddenly snapped. I suddently felt an overwhelming sense of depression and everything came down. I felt alone, isolated, uncared for, unloved, like a failure.
Career and money are typically considered an indication of success in our society. In the last 30 days my _net_ income has been about 5500.00, yet I have nothing to show for it, some new clothes, other material items, and receipts scattered about my bedroom adding to the clutter that makes my room look like its inside a trailer park. Nothing worthwile. No matter what I do and what I give love is ever elusive. I am a complete failure. ---
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I tried to call Jason earlier in the evening and he didn't answer (which is typical) and I got really aggressive when I saw him online later - our conversation went like this -
{Wackybackpacker}you are the biggest bitch in bitch town
{Jason}ok
{Wackybackpacker}i'm in a pissy mood and wanted to share the cheer
{Jason}i guess
{Wackybackpacker}so cheers bitch - later
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought about Madonna on the mirrored cross on her tour and I thought about Linda (my counselor) telling me not to be the martyr. Then I had this image of me on the cross and in each corner was a guy (most likely scantly clad twinks). In the lower left corner he is laying on his side with shattered crystal all over the place. In the upper left corner he is snorting drugs. In the lower right corner there are wilted flower petals and dried up stems and the guy in that corner is enraptured with the guy above him.
But no matter what they do - no matter their sins - I still give - and I bleed - and I die.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to Arbys around midnight- figured I should eat something fatty at night to get fat. I should hang up the 100.00 worth of facial care products too. Not like it fucking matters or anyone cares.
I then filled up my car with gas and started driving up Beltline/Northland drive. No clue where I was really going. I tried to call Larry but he didn't answer. Then I called Beto who I had talked with the night before and he had just broke up with his bf who cheated on him. We had a nice talk for about 20 minutes and I sincerely appreciated it. He seems to have a much more positive and optimist outlook on things. He even gave me some of my own advice that I gave him the night before. The only problem is I never take my own advice.
-------------------------------------------------
Since that drive I suddenly begin to cry for a bit then I stop - off and on. Thinking of my complete failure. I'm getting very tired now and not feeling so good so I shall end this here.
- Monty
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I really like this clip as well from Madonna's Confessions tour - http://home.comcast.net/~wacky-backpacker/Future_Lovers-2.mp3
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fuck it lets not even make this coherent
-----
This evening while coming back from a failed trip to the mall - they closed earlier than I thought - something suddenly snapped. I suddently felt an overwhelming sense of depression and everything came down. I felt alone, isolated, uncared for, unloved, like a failure.
Career and money are typically considered an indication of success in our society. In the last 30 days my _net_ income has been about 5500.00, yet I have nothing to show for it, some new clothes, other material items, and receipts scattered about my bedroom adding to the clutter that makes my room look like its inside a trailer park. Nothing worthwile. No matter what I do and what I give love is ever elusive. I am a complete failure. ---
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I tried to call Jason earlier in the evening and he didn't answer (which is typical) and I got really aggressive when I saw him online later - our conversation went like this -
{Wackybackpacker}you are the biggest bitch in bitch town
{Jason}ok
{Wackybackpacker}i'm in a pissy mood and wanted to share the cheer
{Jason}i guess
{Wackybackpacker}so cheers bitch - later
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought about Madonna on the mirrored cross on her tour and I thought about Linda (my counselor) telling me not to be the martyr. Then I had this image of me on the cross and in each corner was a guy (most likely scantly clad twinks). In the lower left corner he is laying on his side with shattered crystal all over the place. In the upper left corner he is snorting drugs. In the lower right corner there are wilted flower petals and dried up stems and the guy in that corner is enraptured with the guy above him.
But no matter what they do - no matter their sins - I still give - and I bleed - and I die.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to Arbys around midnight- figured I should eat something fatty at night to get fat. I should hang up the 100.00 worth of facial care products too. Not like it fucking matters or anyone cares.
I then filled up my car with gas and started driving up Beltline/Northland drive. No clue where I was really going. I tried to call Larry but he didn't answer. Then I called Beto who I had talked with the night before and he had just broke up with his bf who cheated on him. We had a nice talk for about 20 minutes and I sincerely appreciated it. He seems to have a much more positive and optimist outlook on things. He even gave me some of my own advice that I gave him the night before. The only problem is I never take my own advice.
-------------------------------------------------
Since that drive I suddenly begin to cry for a bit then I stop - off and on. Thinking of my complete failure. I'm getting very tired now and not feeling so good so I shall end this here.
- Monty