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[wackiejackie383]

I want to breathe but I can’t breathe and I want to shave my head, make it smooth and clean and ungendered because I am so fucking tired of you seeing me as I am, seeing me as you want me to be. I am not an open door. I am not yours to have and to hold.

I want to shave it off, chop them off. My breasts need to be chopped off, removed forever and

Comments

[wackiejackie383]

Hey. I just wrote this in a moment of frustration. I was raped a little while ago and started reading a book about victims recovering their sexual health. The book was making me realize just how tainted my view of sex is because of that fact that a rapist took my virginity.

I remembered a time when I was being physically intimate with a guy before I was raped and I remembered feeling unafraid and completely in control of myself and the situation. We talked and agreed not to go farther and I felt great. Now, after being raped, in a similar situation I would feel intimidated and afraid to say what I did or didn't want to do, regardless of how open and nice the guy is. Also, I have such a hard time being physically intimate that I either avoid intimacy altogether, or I drink to get over my own memories and fears and such around the issue.

I the book I read about reconciling myself with my body. Sounds kind of spacey but I know I have an abusive view of my own body, as a result of someone abusing me. Thats where the ideas about cutting and such came from.

I am okay. Good, in fact. I am healing, slowly healing. And sometimes during that process I get frustrated and I vent. Thats what happened here. By all means, consensual sex is great and whatever two adults agree to, be it submission or anything else, more power to them. I didn't mean to speak of sex in that way...I have just experienced the unsafe side of submission and was reacting to that.

Hope this makes more sense. I am probably going to lock this entry, I tend to forget that people read it and use it for archiving thoughts. If you want to talk further definitely feel free to send me a message here or an e-mail at jackie.helpern@gmail.com.

One more thing, do I know you?

Jackie

[opal_pink]

Sorry. No you don't know me. I added you after you posted on the travel community with some photos of Bali. I hope you don't mind me reading this. It was public entry.

I think I misinterpreted the meaning of your poem.

[wackiejackie383]

No sorries, it is public.

Are you a fellow traveler? Where have you traveled to?