writing a entry I would tease other people for writing
felt the need to update and contemplate things. Everything is so stange right now. My life has never been so full of ups and downs. Sometimes I just feel like the happiest person on earth. And so at peace with everything than suddenly I take a 180. I start to worry, I panic, and I feel worn out. I just want to give up but somehow still have the will power to prove to everyone that I can do it all. I've been talking to a lot of really smart people over the past few days. Everyone so different and so willing to step in and give me guidance. Some even helped me laugh at everything thats happening. Hell people I hardly know are so willing to listen to me at school and I'm so happy for that. GCC is amazing and I have never been somewhere that I'm treated like an adult. A smart one at that! I feel like I've already change since I've been there. Im so ready to leave everything already. I just want to skip all these things I have to do and be settled down and have that perfect job, and know that everything is ok. Do I love school yes. But I guess I'm just worried about where everything is leading to. I have so many uncertaintys about everything. It can be really exciting in aspects cause, holy shit I could be doing anything a year from now. When I think about all the things I can do. Its amazing, Im at a point where I can do anything I want. I'm not married, I don't have a family to take care of or bills to pay (a few but still)Sometimes I forget that, and I'm still holding myself back. But then theres other things that were going perfect. I'm in love and clinging on to it for dear life. Being in love with him has been amazing, I insist that everyone try it, well in love with someone else not HIM. I'm just sorry for all the pain that potentially comes with it. I love that me and ty can still talk about anything.I know how hard it is for both of us. It is really hard for me not to be selfish. I just want everything to work out in my favor, but I swear I feel that way for non selfish reasons. When I think about our situation right now. I just want to thank whatever it is up there for letting me have him for this long. I still can't believe I didn't screw it up right away. Or he hasn't realize how much of a weirdo I am (actually I think he is fully aware of that) Then I also want to curl up in my bed and cry. Even more than I already have. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I tell myself that. But why do good things have to get fucked up? Nothing has ended yet. All i can do now is hope, thats one thing I have control over. I can't stop all the things my heart is feeling right now. I wish I had a switch for it because its overwhelming. But I don't, and now I have to push it to the side and tough it out for the next month and a half or so. I know I can do it, you know why? BECAUSE I'M A ACTRESS, and I am trained to put my feelings to the side, and act like nothing is bothering me.