I'm Making Meself a Shiv...
I am struck dumb by the utter wastelanditude that my life has seemingly become. Increasingly over the past week, I have delved into brief flirtations with near disaster... Allow me to relate these stories to you, in no particular order (too tired)...
SHIT I LEARNED THIS WEEK
1. I am an English major who is not allowed to study the english language. How is this not discriminatory? I am taking film studies credits in order to give more "meat" to the degree that I will never use. Breadth and elective credits, my penis! This venting stems from encountering various people over the last few days whom I haven't seen for a few years. I secretly dread these chance meetings because either: a) They seem to have their shit together, and make me feel disgusted with my own self-ignorance, or b) They're worse off than me, both positionally and in terms of self-worth. Either one fills me with loathing.
2. A man comes back from Egypt and gives me a genuine knock-off Egyptian leather wallet. It says EEZEE -E on it. I believe that it gives me powers. If I am ever in Egypt and some scar-faced motherfucker tries to rob me with a shiv or a shank, I'll flip out my EEZEE -E Egyptian wallet, and show him that I'm a member of the club. He'll back off. This is the kind of logic that causes death.
3. I am paying more to live at my house than I would if I were living on my own. How is this possible? Don't ask me, I just did the math, and by all accounts, I should be about $10,000 richer than I was last year. Fucksticks. I'm moving away in a bit.
4. Mice stink when they're left for dead inside a tall, unscalable plastic trash bin.
5. Any animal; ANY ANIMAL will commit cannibalism in order to stave off the inevitability of death. (The trash can mice are grisly evidence of this fact). Desperation and dread are more powerful than any form of human emotion or social conditioning.
6. I don't have a lock on my bedroom door, and people tend to think that means they can open the door whenever they please; but then I discovered that a heavy-assed box full of books shoved right up against the door actually works better than a lock. Nosey, ignorant parents and girlfriend try to open door, find that the knob twists and turns like it's supposed to, but the door WILL NOT BUDGE!!! HA HA HA!!
7. To my Film and Society prof who is perfectly Japanese, " Crasscraw Hariwaru Cinema" translates into " Classical Hollywood Cinema" And "Charlize Theron" becomes "Charee Berowen"... This woman is awesome, simply because she will not stop with these comments.
8. Shit is much easier to figure out if you write and draw it out in book format. I have a Ground Zero book that I've been slowly cultivating for a few days now. It's going to be full of my horrid dreams and nightmarish realities; not to mention some realties too... I've got my eye on some prime property now... It's good to get back to my old 'zine-making skills, mostly involving X-acto'ing various photos and pasting them together in crude, sexually-explicit compositions.
9. Whoever allows Uwe Boll to make films should be stripped of all their flesh, and then peed on by gonorrheic dogs.
10. I am full of so much confidence. But it is ultimately defeated by my commiseration.
11. I have little to no interest in The Novel any more. I am completely bored with reading printed material that isn't in kitschy coffee-table or comic book format. Philistine, you say? Fuck you! Have you ever read The Faerie Queene, Paradise Lost and Canterbury Tales more than six times? If not, then you can't begin to comprehend just how stuffy and stodgy most academic reading of fantastical literature has become. If writers knew how utterly drained their works would become of passion, meaning, and intent, and how many people relied on stupid-assed literal and/or metaphysical transmutations of SINGLE words in their works, they might've considered the fireplace instead of the printing press.
12. I can drive, walk, run, ski, toboggan and roll down hills now without getting frostbitten. This winter was mild, push-overy, and generally milquetoasty.
13. Vampires exist. They're people who "don't consider themselves romantic", and "never understood the whole point of friendships and experiences". But they don't suck blood. They suck emotions... And sometimes a little penis. The only way to kill them is by ignoring them. They burst into flames and scream for attention as they die.
SHIT I LEARNED THIS WEEK
1. I am an English major who is not allowed to study the english language. How is this not discriminatory? I am taking film studies credits in order to give more "meat" to the degree that I will never use. Breadth and elective credits, my penis! This venting stems from encountering various people over the last few days whom I haven't seen for a few years. I secretly dread these chance meetings because either: a) They seem to have their shit together, and make me feel disgusted with my own self-ignorance, or b) They're worse off than me, both positionally and in terms of self-worth. Either one fills me with loathing.
2. A man comes back from Egypt and gives me a genuine knock-off Egyptian leather wallet. It says EEZEE -E on it. I believe that it gives me powers. If I am ever in Egypt and some scar-faced motherfucker tries to rob me with a shiv or a shank, I'll flip out my EEZEE -E Egyptian wallet, and show him that I'm a member of the club. He'll back off. This is the kind of logic that causes death.
3. I am paying more to live at my house than I would if I were living on my own. How is this possible? Don't ask me, I just did the math, and by all accounts, I should be about $10,000 richer than I was last year. Fucksticks. I'm moving away in a bit.
4. Mice stink when they're left for dead inside a tall, unscalable plastic trash bin.
5. Any animal; ANY ANIMAL will commit cannibalism in order to stave off the inevitability of death. (The trash can mice are grisly evidence of this fact). Desperation and dread are more powerful than any form of human emotion or social conditioning.
6. I don't have a lock on my bedroom door, and people tend to think that means they can open the door whenever they please; but then I discovered that a heavy-assed box full of books shoved right up against the door actually works better than a lock. Nosey, ignorant parents and girlfriend try to open door, find that the knob twists and turns like it's supposed to, but the door WILL NOT BUDGE!!! HA HA HA!!
7. To my Film and Society prof who is perfectly Japanese, " Crasscraw Hariwaru Cinema" translates into " Classical Hollywood Cinema" And "Charlize Theron" becomes "Charee Berowen"... This woman is awesome, simply because she will not stop with these comments.
8. Shit is much easier to figure out if you write and draw it out in book format. I have a Ground Zero book that I've been slowly cultivating for a few days now. It's going to be full of my horrid dreams and nightmarish realities; not to mention some realties too... I've got my eye on some prime property now... It's good to get back to my old 'zine-making skills, mostly involving X-acto'ing various photos and pasting them together in crude, sexually-explicit compositions.
9. Whoever allows Uwe Boll to make films should be stripped of all their flesh, and then peed on by gonorrheic dogs.
10. I am full of so much confidence. But it is ultimately defeated by my commiseration.
11. I have little to no interest in The Novel any more. I am completely bored with reading printed material that isn't in kitschy coffee-table or comic book format. Philistine, you say? Fuck you! Have you ever read The Faerie Queene, Paradise Lost and Canterbury Tales more than six times? If not, then you can't begin to comprehend just how stuffy and stodgy most academic reading of fantastical literature has become. If writers knew how utterly drained their works would become of passion, meaning, and intent, and how many people relied on stupid-assed literal and/or metaphysical transmutations of SINGLE words in their works, they might've considered the fireplace instead of the printing press.
12. I can drive, walk, run, ski, toboggan and roll down hills now without getting frostbitten. This winter was mild, push-overy, and generally milquetoasty.
13. Vampires exist. They're people who "don't consider themselves romantic", and "never understood the whole point of friendships and experiences". But they don't suck blood. They suck emotions... And sometimes a little penis. The only way to kill them is by ignoring them. They burst into flames and scream for attention as they die.