I Wish I Could Run Like Tom Cruise...
Occasionally, you get to a point where absurdity is the only thing that seems to be driving your life. With so many bizarre and chaotic happenings, you have to wonder what the breaking point is, psychotically-speaking...
I discovered my personal breaking point today. I went with my parents to see Collateral, in North American theatres now, and I was bitterly reminded exactly why I was conceived so many years ago. I am a sluglike Neutral Zone caught between the Klingonesque rantings of my dad, and the shrill Romulanish nagging of my mom. (I hope that's the last Star Trekanalogy I'll do for quite some time...)
Imagine this: You are forced to sit at the absolute corner of the aisle, so as to facilitate your dad's paranoia that if the Communists invade, he'll be able to beat the other fleeing sheep out of the theatre before the thermite grenades set the place ablaze... You are parked between your parents, because they learned, long ago, that the only way they can be civil with each other is by having something that has 50% of their genetic makeup sitting next to them. You have to hear your father loudly deduce that the reason why De-Lovely wasn't popular in theatres was because the story of a gay musical songwriter is too "gay". The only thing these two parental-units can seem to agree on together is their mutual lust for bags of popcorn (stuff that I loathe), which they continually pass to each other, flippantly, through my personal space. The phrase I kept repeating to myself throughout most of the movie: "IF I HAD A GUN, I'D SHOOT SOMEONE."
Anyway... Collateral's pretty good, because for once Jamie Foxx gets to play a regular man. And Tom Cruise is cool because he shoots people to death with a double-tap to the sternum and a single shot to the forehead. (That's called a "Mozambique", by the way... 'Lil assassin schoolin' for you). Michael Mann's directing style is verbose and gritty. He is a consummate pro at blending photo-realistic shooting technique with a long-established system of film narrative. This is the first film shot on digital video that didn't look like someone had snot-ragged the camera lens. My favourite part? The near-cameo by a certain bald, nasally-raspy Briton who specializes in "trasporting"... Awesome stuff, that rewards a clever eye. And my favourite stylistic thing about Michael Mann? He isn't afraid of shooting actors full of bulletholes. Unless they're playing Muhammed Ali, then they're safe. *rolls eyes*
Otherwise, lately I've been indulging in a whole lot of computer thievery and murder. Of course, I'm talking about video games! I am now the master of Vice City, and have murdered, robbed, beaten, and/or driven over every citizen in the place! This stuff is better than the Bible for inducing psychotic episodes... You should give it a try.
Listen: I am now a full-time drug dealer! Not only do I get narcotic drugs at cost, and the ability to scan everyone in the Ottawa-Carleton area for their history of anti-fungal cream usage, but now I also qualify for super-awesome benefits like: giving gobs of my salary over to TD for investment into morally-questionable foreign enterprises, up to 50% of my salary in case of work-related disability! (though that's only for the removal/neutralization of a major body part/organ... Hands and feet only warrant 30%. These guys are frugal moneylenders).
I discovered my personal breaking point today. I went with my parents to see Collateral, in North American theatres now, and I was bitterly reminded exactly why I was conceived so many years ago. I am a sluglike Neutral Zone caught between the Klingonesque rantings of my dad, and the shrill Romulanish nagging of my mom. (I hope that's the last Star Trekanalogy I'll do for quite some time...)
Imagine this: You are forced to sit at the absolute corner of the aisle, so as to facilitate your dad's paranoia that if the Communists invade, he'll be able to beat the other fleeing sheep out of the theatre before the thermite grenades set the place ablaze... You are parked between your parents, because they learned, long ago, that the only way they can be civil with each other is by having something that has 50% of their genetic makeup sitting next to them. You have to hear your father loudly deduce that the reason why De-Lovely wasn't popular in theatres was because the story of a gay musical songwriter is too "gay". The only thing these two parental-units can seem to agree on together is their mutual lust for bags of popcorn (stuff that I loathe), which they continually pass to each other, flippantly, through my personal space. The phrase I kept repeating to myself throughout most of the movie: "IF I HAD A GUN, I'D SHOOT SOMEONE."
Anyway... Collateral's pretty good, because for once Jamie Foxx gets to play a regular man. And Tom Cruise is cool because he shoots people to death with a double-tap to the sternum and a single shot to the forehead. (That's called a "Mozambique", by the way... 'Lil assassin schoolin' for you). Michael Mann's directing style is verbose and gritty. He is a consummate pro at blending photo-realistic shooting technique with a long-established system of film narrative. This is the first film shot on digital video that didn't look like someone had snot-ragged the camera lens. My favourite part? The near-cameo by a certain bald, nasally-raspy Briton who specializes in "trasporting"... Awesome stuff, that rewards a clever eye. And my favourite stylistic thing about Michael Mann? He isn't afraid of shooting actors full of bulletholes. Unless they're playing Muhammed Ali, then they're safe. *rolls eyes*
Otherwise, lately I've been indulging in a whole lot of computer thievery and murder. Of course, I'm talking about video games! I am now the master of Vice City, and have murdered, robbed, beaten, and/or driven over every citizen in the place! This stuff is better than the Bible for inducing psychotic episodes... You should give it a try.
Listen: I am now a full-time drug dealer! Not only do I get narcotic drugs at cost, and the ability to scan everyone in the Ottawa-Carleton area for their history of anti-fungal cream usage, but now I also qualify for super-awesome benefits like: giving gobs of my salary over to TD for investment into morally-questionable foreign enterprises, up to 50% of my salary in case of work-related disability! (though that's only for the removal/neutralization of a major body part/organ... Hands and feet only warrant 30%. These guys are frugal moneylenders).