who to turn to?
the computer says 4:05 pm; i'm here at the hospital, was damn near another breakdown, and i decided, "what the hell - the hospital's internet has Xanga blocked, let's try livejournal!" and lo & behold, here i am.
so the backstory: i gave birth to my daughter Iris on April 7th of this year. i was only 28 weeks and 6 days when she appeared in the world, so that meant NICU time for her. this past month has been a trial, indeed. she herself has persevered when so many things could've gone wrong with her. (i'm glad they didn't.) in fact, Iris' father and i asked her NNP (neonatal nurse practicioner) yesterday when she'd be able to go home, and we got the response: "possibly sometime this week!" so someone please tell me - why were both of our reactions initially fear instead of joy? why, after this long long century of a month, were we freaked the fuck out instead of so happy our faces almost burst apart from such big smiles? answer: because WE haven't been our daughter's majority caregivers.
oh don't get me wrong - from about a week or so after my daughter was born, we were able to change her diaper (from outside of her incubator, of course) and hold her. but from the beginning, she's had to have a feeding tube inserted through her nostril and down to her stomach so she could get all the nutrients and things that she needs. i have had to pump breastmilk since the day after she was born; thing is, her NICU nurses were stocked way the fuck up with all the milk i was bringing in because she was on a continuous feed. that was slow going whereas with the bolus (bulk amounts) feedings she's been getting since maybe the end of last month, my milk isn't enough and so they've had to supplement it with formula whenever i'm not there to give them milk that i've pumped. this is only one of the things that Iris' father and i have dealt with that have pissed me off.
next up: the nurses. there are quite a lot of them that i think are pure evil. i myself had to deal with my share of bitchy/catty nurses while i was in the hospital twice for preterm labor, and have had MORE than are welcome to deal with since my daughter's been in the hospital. ironically enough -since i'm sitting here complaining about how i can't stand some of these nurses- i ALSO can't stand the fact that the lot of them are SO fucking hands-on! it's disgusting! one nurse in particular decided she'd give my daughter a bath the day before she was due for one all because she'd spit up on the sleeves. ...??? UM HELLO ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! they were PLENTY of times they left her in a dirty ass outfit after she'd spit up, only to change her when her next nurse signed on for duty! WHY THE FUCK do you think you'd take it upon yourself to bathe my child when we, THE PARENTS, weren't there yet?! jesus h. christ.
more on the nurses; let me reiterate: they were dicks to me when i was here, but it's been even more so since Iris has been hospitalized. most recently (as in today) one of her nurses decided she'd ask me, "why do you guys leave all the time?" and when i, in my anger, spluttered for an answer [because i've been the nice girl this whole time, never ONCE showing my true feelings for these bitches] she thought she'd talk down to me and say, "oh is it because you needed a break?" (to which i agreed) then she said, "because her NNP wants you to be here more often now that she's closer to going home; you're not here in the daytime. you know that you're going to have to take care of her during the day when you take her home, right?" OMFG YOU STUPID WHORE! so we agreed that we'd get here around 3 this afternoon to feed her (when we didn't leave the hospital -they have 24 hour visitation on the pediatric floor, which she was recently placed on- til after 7 in the morning. well so i'm killing myself trying to get here to the hospital (my fiance and i had all kinds of stuff to get together before we could get in the car and come up here) and we finally arrive. we had to bring this huge ass duffel bag that my fiance put together because we're practically living here nowadays, plus we had my pump bag, PLUS i had to bring up my heavy purse on the same arm as the pump bag AND our daughter's carseat because they'll be doing a carseat test with her before she can leave. we walk into the baby's room and HER NURSE IS PROPPED ON THE BED THAT'S IN THE ROOM, FEEDING HER ALREADY. omg! i had tried not to walk into the room with an attitude, but i completely blew it. her nurse was sitting there watching Dr. Phil (of all the stupid ass daytime TV shows); whatever dumbass segment of his was playing and all these people were getting weepy over some parenting crap and i decided i'd had it.. i got up and as i was walking out said, "i can't watch this, i'm gonna like throw up .. it's stupid" and kind of flung the door open. after i'd slammed the door behind me -which really wasn't on purpose but whatever; believe what you wanna believe- i walked down the hall with people staring at me as i tried to find a quiet place to mellow out. i found a group of chairs at the end of the hall and sat down, still fuming. my fiance (whose name is Kenneth, so i can stop referring to him as his title) had walked out a few seconds behind me, got lost trying to find me, and finally saw me and sat down on the floor by my feet. he started rubbing my legs while i went on about how stupid Dr. Phil is -weird topic, really- and eventually asked him to go back to the baby's room because i wanted one of us to be there, at least. he acquiesced while i sit there still. i finally walked out of the hospital and into this little nook in the front of the building and tried to talk myself out of my anger. it didn't work, so here i sit, talking it out on LJ.
p.s. due to preterm labor, bedrest at home, and finally having my daughter all in the span of 2 weeks, i didn't attend about 2 1/2 weeks of school. my grade in my Geology class was already way down because of low test scores and not attending lab, and i was facing an 'F' in my Zumba class because of not wanting to tear my vaginal stitch while trying to work out in the class. i emailed both teachers, telling them of my situation, and ended up with an Incomplete in Zumba and a fucking 'F' in Geology. sooooo suffice it to say, after talks with some advisors after the fact, i thought i was in the clear. i was ALREADY on academic probation for last semester's poor grades, and if i hadn't pulled my GPA up during this semester, i'd be expelled for a semester or more. i recently received a letter in the mail from Records & Registration stating i'd have to provide proof from my doctor saying i'd been hospitalized and indeed had had my daughter. WTF. i hate them! so today i asked my daughter's nurse what i'd need to do to get said letter. she said i'd have to talk to an NNP and that the NNP would write down all the pertinent information. we-e-ell it was a little past 3 when we finally got the hospital today; the stupid ass nurse goes, "oh well i told her what she had to write down, she's got to type out a letter and then she'll give it to you. you needed it today? i didn't know that or i would have told her." FUCKING A YOU DUMB HARLOT!!! DIDN'T IT SEEM IMPORTANT WHEN WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IT TO YOU?!
/end long ass rant
so the backstory: i gave birth to my daughter Iris on April 7th of this year. i was only 28 weeks and 6 days when she appeared in the world, so that meant NICU time for her. this past month has been a trial, indeed. she herself has persevered when so many things could've gone wrong with her. (i'm glad they didn't.) in fact, Iris' father and i asked her NNP (neonatal nurse practicioner) yesterday when she'd be able to go home, and we got the response: "possibly sometime this week!" so someone please tell me - why were both of our reactions initially fear instead of joy? why, after this long long century of a month, were we freaked the fuck out instead of so happy our faces almost burst apart from such big smiles? answer: because WE haven't been our daughter's majority caregivers.
oh don't get me wrong - from about a week or so after my daughter was born, we were able to change her diaper (from outside of her incubator, of course) and hold her. but from the beginning, she's had to have a feeding tube inserted through her nostril and down to her stomach so she could get all the nutrients and things that she needs. i have had to pump breastmilk since the day after she was born; thing is, her NICU nurses were stocked way the fuck up with all the milk i was bringing in because she was on a continuous feed. that was slow going whereas with the bolus (bulk amounts) feedings she's been getting since maybe the end of last month, my milk isn't enough and so they've had to supplement it with formula whenever i'm not there to give them milk that i've pumped. this is only one of the things that Iris' father and i have dealt with that have pissed me off.
next up: the nurses. there are quite a lot of them that i think are pure evil. i myself had to deal with my share of bitchy/catty nurses while i was in the hospital twice for preterm labor, and have had MORE than are welcome to deal with since my daughter's been in the hospital. ironically enough -since i'm sitting here complaining about how i can't stand some of these nurses- i ALSO can't stand the fact that the lot of them are SO fucking hands-on! it's disgusting! one nurse in particular decided she'd give my daughter a bath the day before she was due for one all because she'd spit up on the sleeves. ...??? UM HELLO ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! they were PLENTY of times they left her in a dirty ass outfit after she'd spit up, only to change her when her next nurse signed on for duty! WHY THE FUCK do you think you'd take it upon yourself to bathe my child when we, THE PARENTS, weren't there yet?! jesus h. christ.
more on the nurses; let me reiterate: they were dicks to me when i was here, but it's been even more so since Iris has been hospitalized. most recently (as in today) one of her nurses decided she'd ask me, "why do you guys leave all the time?" and when i, in my anger, spluttered for an answer [because i've been the nice girl this whole time, never ONCE showing my true feelings for these bitches] she thought she'd talk down to me and say, "oh is it because you needed a break?" (to which i agreed) then she said, "because her NNP wants you to be here more often now that she's closer to going home; you're not here in the daytime. you know that you're going to have to take care of her during the day when you take her home, right?" OMFG YOU STUPID WHORE! so we agreed that we'd get here around 3 this afternoon to feed her (when we didn't leave the hospital -they have 24 hour visitation on the pediatric floor, which she was recently placed on- til after 7 in the morning. well so i'm killing myself trying to get here to the hospital (my fiance and i had all kinds of stuff to get together before we could get in the car and come up here) and we finally arrive. we had to bring this huge ass duffel bag that my fiance put together because we're practically living here nowadays, plus we had my pump bag, PLUS i had to bring up my heavy purse on the same arm as the pump bag AND our daughter's carseat because they'll be doing a carseat test with her before she can leave. we walk into the baby's room and HER NURSE IS PROPPED ON THE BED THAT'S IN THE ROOM, FEEDING HER ALREADY. omg! i had tried not to walk into the room with an attitude, but i completely blew it. her nurse was sitting there watching Dr. Phil (of all the stupid ass daytime TV shows); whatever dumbass segment of his was playing and all these people were getting weepy over some parenting crap and i decided i'd had it.. i got up and as i was walking out said, "i can't watch this, i'm gonna like throw up .. it's stupid" and kind of flung the door open. after i'd slammed the door behind me -which really wasn't on purpose but whatever; believe what you wanna believe- i walked down the hall with people staring at me as i tried to find a quiet place to mellow out. i found a group of chairs at the end of the hall and sat down, still fuming. my fiance (whose name is Kenneth, so i can stop referring to him as his title) had walked out a few seconds behind me, got lost trying to find me, and finally saw me and sat down on the floor by my feet. he started rubbing my legs while i went on about how stupid Dr. Phil is -weird topic, really- and eventually asked him to go back to the baby's room because i wanted one of us to be there, at least. he acquiesced while i sit there still. i finally walked out of the hospital and into this little nook in the front of the building and tried to talk myself out of my anger. it didn't work, so here i sit, talking it out on LJ.
p.s. due to preterm labor, bedrest at home, and finally having my daughter all in the span of 2 weeks, i didn't attend about 2 1/2 weeks of school. my grade in my Geology class was already way down because of low test scores and not attending lab, and i was facing an 'F' in my Zumba class because of not wanting to tear my vaginal stitch while trying to work out in the class. i emailed both teachers, telling them of my situation, and ended up with an Incomplete in Zumba and a fucking 'F' in Geology. sooooo suffice it to say, after talks with some advisors after the fact, i thought i was in the clear. i was ALREADY on academic probation for last semester's poor grades, and if i hadn't pulled my GPA up during this semester, i'd be expelled for a semester or more. i recently received a letter in the mail from Records & Registration stating i'd have to provide proof from my doctor saying i'd been hospitalized and indeed had had my daughter. WTF. i hate them! so today i asked my daughter's nurse what i'd need to do to get said letter. she said i'd have to talk to an NNP and that the NNP would write down all the pertinent information. we-e-ell it was a little past 3 when we finally got the hospital today; the stupid ass nurse goes, "oh well i told her what she had to write down, she's got to type out a letter and then she'll give it to you. you needed it today? i didn't know that or i would have told her." FUCKING A YOU DUMB HARLOT!!! DIDN'T IT SEEM IMPORTANT WHEN WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IT TO YOU?!
/end long ass rant