Trials: Chapter Twenty-Two

[wa_papertigers]

March 25, 2003, continued…
He lifted his eyes slowly from the now empty bowl. He smiled. "It was good" his voice quiet.
She smiled, stifling a laugh. "Thanks Josh…how are you feeling?"
"Full" he replied. She laughed softly. "And better than before" he added with a sheepish smile.
"Tired too?" she asked gently as he yawned.
He nodded quietly. "A little."
"I think it's getting a little late. Did you want me to take you back over or do you wanna just stay here?" she asked gently.
He glanced around the room slowly until his eyes set on hers again. "It doesn't matter where…but could you stay with me?" his voice not much more than a whisper.
His vulnerability hit her like a sneaker wave from behind, nearly drowning her. "Yeah" she nodded slightly, unable to say much else.
"Nadia" his voice quiet.
She nodded slightly. "I think I have an extra toothbrush…" she trailed off as she scooted out of her chair.
"Does it feel late to you?" he asked quietly as he followed her down the hall.
"It's been a long day Josh" she replied gently.
*
Her fingers brushed through his hair softly. He sighed. "I sometimes think of how it used to be, with Julie and me…and I don't remember her being this way" his voice quiet.
She hesitated a moment. "What way?" her voice quiet, uncertain.
He was quiet a moment. "She's really been there…but almost, too much. Like she's trying to make up for before…" he started.
"She is Josh" Nadia interjected quietly, knowingly.
"But I don't…" he sighed, "I don't want her to always have that at the back of her mind. I don't want her there because she feels like she owes me" his voice quiet.
"Have you tried telling her that?" she asked cautiously.
He groaned quietly. "I've told her again and again that I'm going to be fine. I can do some things for myself…she worried, I understand that…but she's choking the life out of me Nadia" his voice nearly a whisper.
She was quiet awhile, her fingers still running through his hair. "I don't really know what to tell you Josh. If you're being honest with her, and that's how you feel…maybe you should try to not see her so much" her voice quiet, cautious.
He nodded slightly. "I thought it could be alright" his voice quiet. "I think I actually had myself convinced that she and I could go back to how it was before…but that can't happen, can it?" his voice a whisper, his eyes opening to hers.
She was quiet awhile. "I'm not sure Josh. But, I do know you've changed a lot in the time that I've known you. You probably aren't quite the same person you were before the accident" her voice quiet. She paused for a moment. "And she may not be the same either."
"She's not" he replied quietly.
She hesitated for a moment. "Has she really changed Josh, or is it you?" her voice quiet.
"Both" he replied quietly.
"Change isn't necessarily a bad thing Josh" her voice quiet.
He nodded slightly as he closed his eyes. It is this time Nadia. It is for her. It is because she still thinks I'm the same person, but I'm not. I can't be who she wants me to be, because I don't know who that is anymore…and, I don't know that I want to.
"Maybe you should talk to her Josh" Nadia's voice quiet. "Let her know how you're feeling, see where she's coming from."
He was quiet a moment before his eyes opened to hers again. "I don't want to hurt her Nadia…I just don't think it could work out." He sighed. "I know she thinks she loves me, but it isn't me…" he trailed off.
"Would you be able to keep the friendship?" she asked cautiously.
He shrugged slightly. "Julie and I…we didn't start out friends. We met through a friend of a friend. It was just one of those attractions and we started dating…I don't know if she'd handle not having more, while knowing there's not going to be chance of more" his voice quiet.
"Whatever you do, I know you'll do what's right for you and Julie" she replied quietly.
"What do you think I should do Nadia?" his voice quiet.
"If she's stressing you out…" she sighed quietly, "Josh, I want you to be happy. You're my priority and not her, so my view on this is one-sided. Of course I don't want her to be hurt in the process, but it's what's better for you, what's going to benefit you most, that is what I'm after" her voice quiet. "So when you ask me a question like what I think you should do, it's difficult to answer in any way other than selfishly for you" she explained quietly.
"Than selfishly for me, what do you think of all this?" his voice quiet.
"Why my opinion?" she asked quietly.
He met her eyes. "Because I trust you Nadia" his voice quiet.
She was quiet a moment. "She seems nice enough Josh…but she stresses you out, and that's not really something you need more of right now. I don't like the way she interferes with our sessions, because she doesn't seem to understand that's how you're getting better…" she hesitated.
"What Nadia?" he asked quietly.
"I…maybe I'm wrong Josh, god I hope I am…it's just sometimes, the look in her eyes, it's almost like she doesn't want you to get better" her voice quiet.
"I know" he breathed out.
"Like she wants to be known for being with you…how you are now and not…" she trailed off.
JC nodded slightly. He was quiet a moment before meeting her eyes. "I wanna be strong again Nadia. I wanna be able to get back on stage and perform. I'm going to walk on my own…with your help" his voice quiet.
"I believe in you Josh" her voice quiet, her eyes holding his.
He was quiet a moment. "Why are you still with me Nadia?" he asked quietly.
Her eyes widened slightly completely taken back from his statement. "I don't understand what you mean" her voice quiet, uncertain after she'd waited a moment for him to explain.
He smiled slightly for a moment. "I mean, I've been a complete ass to you on countless occasions. I'm moody. I'm not the easiest person to be around Nadia. And right now I'm more than likely giving you Justin's cold" he replied quietly. "So why…" he started.
"Because as much hassle as you may give me, you take it when I give it back" she interjected quietly. "And I know if I put my foot down about something, you will comply. Because I know that it's out of frustration and not true anger when you blow up. It's been my experience that no one is easy to be around all the time and I'm quite a bitch at times myself" she gave a little smile. "But I suppose it's really because I'm confident in your recovery and I want it. Maybe not as much as you do, but probably pretty close to" she added.
"Strange don't you think, the little things about people that we just accept?" his voice quiet.
She nodded slightly. "It's not so hard with you Josh…sometimes I have to breathe a second to let it slide, but I know there's always a reason" she replied quietly.
He turned a little more putting an arm over her stomach. "Thanks for putting up with me" his voice a whisper as he closed his eyes.
"I should say the same" she whispered, her fingers rubbing the back of his neck softly.

The next day, March 26, 2003…
"Paige called me a little worried" Chris eyed him with a little smile.
"I should've called her" JC nodded slightly.
"Saw Joe last night, that's how I knew to tell her" Chris explained.
"I figured" JC replied quietly as they continued driving down the road. "Nadia said he called."
Chris took a right instead of a left and didn't say a word otherwise to the speculative look he was receiving, he merely smiled.
"Chris, I know you're tired and all with Hannah but you do realize…" JC started.
"I know where we're going" Chris replied with a little nod.
"Will I like it?" JC asked cautiously.
Chris laughed lightly at the uncertainty in JC's voice. "Probably not, at least right now. But eventually you'll be glad…" he trailed off focusing on the road.
"I don't…" JC started cautiously.
"We've got some talking to do JC" Chris replied quietly before turning again.
Nadia's…
"Matt" she glanced around, "where's Hannah?" she asked curiously.
"Lance and Joey are watching her" Matt replied easily as she closed the door behind her.
"You just missed them…" Nadia started.
"I know" Matt interjected quietly.
Nadia eyed her for a moment. "To what do I owe the honor?" she asked dryly.
Matt shook her head slightly. "You know why Nadia" Matt replied gently.
Nadia shrugged her shoulders. "Greg's coming over in about an hour, you have until then" she replied.
Chris and Matt's…
"No way Lance, I'm not changing her" Joey shook his head fiercely.
"Come on Joe, I don't know what I'm doing with this" Lance flailed his arm, a diaper in his hand.
"In that case, I'll just tell you from over here" Joey replied as he took another step away.
"Stop that, you're upsetting her more" Lance glared at him as he tried patting her back gently to calm her.
Her wailing above their voices was piercing. Lance's movement only irritated her more and she was letting them both know as loudly as she could.
"Fine, give 'er here" Joey reached for her.
"Thank you" Lance shouted over her cries.
"Watch Lance cause I'm not doing it again" Joey glared at him.
Lance pinched his nose and stood over where Joey laid her down on the changing table.
As soon as his eyes met hers his expression softened. "It's okay Hannah, just a minute" Joey murmured softly.
She gurgled and blew spit bubbles at the goofy faces he was making while getting the diaper ready. But fussed again when he actually started trying to take the thing off her.
He cursed under his breath at the number of buttons on the outfit Chris had dressed her in and Lance laughed. Joey's head shot up. "Do you want to fly solo here buddy?" Joey eyed him.
Lance instantly became silent.
"Whew!" Joey's head jerked back slightly. "What are they feeding you?" he muttered quietly.
Lance's face broke out in a huge grin but he managed to stifle the laugh.
"You have to put the cream on so she doesn't get a rash" Joey eyed him.
Lance nodded. "I heard you Joe" he replied after Joey had told him for the third time.
Joey lifted her up and held her to his chest. "All better" he smiled and thrust his arm toward Lance.
"What?" Lance eyed him.
"Put it in the garbage" Joey replied in a soft voice as he looked at Hannah's relaxed expression.
"Oh man…" Lance trailed off grumbling to himself, holding the diaper out as far from him as his arm would allow.
"All you do is eat, sleep, and poop" Joey cooed.
She sighed as her eyes closed.
Joey smiled and sat down on the couch with her in his arms, letting his eyes close as well.
Nadia's…
"Nadia, what's wrong?" Greg's voice concerned as he stepped inside, letting the door close behind him.
"Nothing" she sniffled. "Nothing's wrong…" she trailed off as she made her way down the hall.
"Then why…" he stopped as the bathroom door shut.
She splashed cool water over her face several times before blotting with a towel. Her eyes lifted cautiously and she groaned at her reflection.
He knocked softly on the door. "Nadia?" his voice cautious.
"I'm fine Greg, just watching one of those old sappy…" she started as she pulled the door open.
"If you even dare finish that sentence the way you started it…" he started in a whisper. He grunted softly as she walked into his chest, her fingers wrapping around the fabric on his shirt. He sighed and wrapped his arms around her. "Nadia, it can't be this bad" his voice a reassuring whisper.
He didn't understand a word she mumbled to his chest, but he understood her well enough to hold her a little tighter. "Tell me what happened Nadia, I'm sure it's not as bad as you're making it seem in your mind. It never is…you hold yourself to too high of standards sometimes…" he was quieted by the ringing of her phone.
"Don't let go" she choked out when he tried to pull back.
"It's okay Nadia" he stepped back to her. "I'm not going."
"Nadia! It's Josh! Are you there? Damn it Chris, shut up! I had no idea…" he started his voice almost a shout to her answering machine.
Greg sighed. "So that's what this is about" his voice quiet, knowing.
She burrowed closer to him, as though doing so could hide her.
JC's…
Chris grabbed the phone from him and hung up.
"Get the hell out Chris!" JC shouted. The air was heavy with confrontation. Anger like daggers shooting from his eyes.
"I didn't say anything to Nadia JC. I only said things to you I thought you should be made aware of…" Chris started.
"It's not your business to meddle in…" JC started shortly.
"You're my brother JC, it is my business. Your happiness, your future…it is my business" Chris replied just as steamed.
"Fine then but Matt had no right to go to her the way she did…and god knows what she's gone and said…" JC started.
"You leave Matt out of it JC" Chris' eyes narrowed.
"Why?" JC challenged. "I'm sure it was her idea to begin with."
"Everyone is tired of watching you two hem-haw around…" Chris started.
"You can't force realization Chris!" JC shouted frustratedly. He shook his head. "You can't force someone to love you" his voice quieter.
Chris sat on the couch. "Look at you JC. You're miserable…" he started.
"What would you know of it Chris" JC shook his head slightly. "How would you know what I'm feeling?"
Chris sighed. "It doesn't take a genius to know you aren't happy JC" his voice quiet.
"Jesus Chris!" he glared at him. "Would you be happy in my position? I've lost everything I cared about! Everything that made me feel alive…" he started.
"JC…" he started.
"Playing that damn piano and being near her were the only things that made me feel alive Chris" his voice strangely quiet. "If I've just lost one of those things because of this, I will never forgive you."

A week later, April 2, 2003…
"JC, she'll come around" Shelby's voice reassuring.
"Yeah Shelby, that's why Greg's been here all week" he muttered quietly.
She swallowed and drew in a breath. "Maybe she just needs a little time to think JC…" she started cautiously.
He lifted his eyes to hers, shining with unshed tears. "Why'd they have to do that Shelby?" his voice a whisper.
"They thought they were helping JC. They weren't doing it to hurt you" her voice quiet.
He reached out to her and she took him in her arms. "We were getting closer on our own…" his voice a weak whisper.
"I know" she replied quietly.
"I told her…Julie was history…why'd they have to do that Shelby?" his voice barely audible.
"You do, don't you?" her voice a whisper.
"It doesn't matter now does it?" he choked out.
She sighed quietly. "JC, if she's the woman I think she is, this is far from over" her voice quiet.
Chris and Matt's…
"I understand why you did what you did" Lance replied quietly. "I'm not sure I fully agree with it but I know why" he shrugged. "I'm not sure I fully disapprove either though" he added.
"He won't let me even apologize" Matt's voice a whisper.
"Well…Matt" Lance's voice quiet. "In his mind, you may have lost her for him. He'll get over it when he's thinking more rationally again. Don't worry about it alright. I know JC and he won't hold this against you. He loves you too much" Lance reassured.
Greg's…
"Nadia, please just call him and talk to him" he tried.
"I can't" she shook her head.
He was quiet a moment. "He hardly says two words Nadia. He's really despondent and weak."
She lifted her eyes to his. "I can't" she replied quietly.
He was quiet a moment. "Because you do or because you don't?" Greg asked quietly.
"I've never been in love Greg. I've told you that…" she trailed off quietly.
"But you do love him" Greg replied quietly, a knowing to his voice she couldn't deny.
"He isn't the only one" she replied quietly.
He almost groaned aloud. "Alright Nadia, I've left it alone for a week and I've been good about this for a week but it's time for you to think and quit avoiding reality…" he started.
"So you're kicking me out?" she asked quietly.
"No" he shook his head. "You know you always have a safe place to stay with me" he replied quietly. "But I'm asking you something and I want honesty" his voice quiet but demanding.
She groaned and nodded, knowing he'd never let up until she agreed.
"If we were on a sinking ship and you had the little floating thing that only one other person could fit in, who would you save Nadia, him or me?" his voice quiet and serious.
"That's the most absurd…" she started with a laugh.
"I'm serious Nadia" he silenced her with a look.
She shook her head. "Greg you're…" she started.
"Nadia" he silenced her. "Think about it. You don't have to tell me, just think about the question" his voice quiet before he stood up. "I'm going for a little walk, I'll be back in awhile."
She shook her head slightly.
"Think about it Nadia" he replied knowingly, before closing the door behind him.
"Him and those damn hypotheticals" she muttered shaking her head slightly.
JC's...
She held him in her arms as he clung to her for the only comfort he could find. She sighed quietly.
It was the first time in that week he actually really slept. Sure his body shut down for a few hours every night but it was never restful. Conversations replayed through his mind. Hypotheticals looped in making themselves almost indistinguishable to reality.
When she got the call from Lance she flew home to find him in pieces of himself. He probably would've scared anyone who didn't know him, and most who did. He mumbled to himself almost constantly but never coherently. She knew he was torturing himself over something that had to be waited out, and it ripped at her heart to know there really wasn't anything she could do.
Greg had blown off her questioning as to how Nadia was, but she was too worried about JC to be angry over it.
She had no clue as to what had been said to Nadia. She hadn't stopped to find out. All she knew was JC was hanging by a very thin thread, unlike any time before…and it frightened her how close to the edge he was.
Nadia's…
She closed the door quietly behind her, her eyes drifted over her place slowly taking everything back in.
Flashback…
"Matt" she glanced around, "where's Hannah?" she asked curiously.
"Lance and Joey are watching her" Matt replied easily as she closed the door behind her.
"You just missed them…" Nadia started.
"I know" Matt interjected quietly.
Nadia eyed her for a moment. "To what do I owe the honor?" she asked dryly.
Matt shook her head slightly. "You know why Nadia" Matt replied gently.
Nadia shrugged her shoulders. "Greg's coming over in about an hour, you have until then" she replied.
"Nadia, I'm going to come straight out…" she started.
"That's what I really like about you Matt…" Nadia started.
"If you're playing games with him…" Matt started quietly, seriously.
"What?" Nadia interjected.
Matt met her eyes. "You know Nadia, and if you are playing with him. I think you'd be smart to quit" her voice quiet.
She was quiet a moment, trying to process what had just been spoken. "Matt, I don't know what you're talking about. Josh and I…" she started quietly.
"Have been making eyes at each other for weeks" Matt interjected with a knowing tone. "You two always have reason to be touching each other…and don't get me wrong here Nadia, I think you'd be really good for JC. I think you two would be great together…but if you're playing games with him, be a professional, do your job and leave" her voice quiet, firm.
"I do my job Matt and it's insulting that you think otherwise" Nadia replied eyeing her.
"I know you do your job Nadia. He's proof. But I think you're missing my point…" Matt started.
"And exactly what is that point Matt?" Nadia asked as she crossed her arms over her chest, her tone more defensive.
"You are jerking him around and I see it Nadia. If you don't want to have a deeper relationship with him then you need to quit acting like you do" Matt replied quietly.
Her mouth opened several seconds before words would come. "You think I'm jerking him around? Leading him on?" she questioned in disbelief.
Matt merely nodded. "He's my family Nadia and I protect my family fiercely. If you mess with him, I take it personally" her voice quiet but not lacking passion.
"I can't believe that you think I would…" Nadia started quietly, still disbelieving what was going on.
"Do you need examples Nadia?" Matt ground out, trying to keep control of her temper.
"Josh and I are friends too Matt. We have a good working relationship, but we're friends too. I don't see where you…" Nadia started.
"I've seen the look in your eyes when Julie comes over Nadia" Matt interjected quietly. "Not that I have any liking for that girl but still…I see the look in your eyes. I see the guilt in his when you're both there, the relief that comes when one of you leaves…" she started.
"I don't know what you're talking about Matt…" Nadia started.
"How can he honestly pursue something with Julie, when you're always hovering in the sidelines Nadia? I've seen the guilt in his eyes when he's around Julie after he's been around you…I would love nothing more than to see Julie out of his life for good…" Matt started.
"You're standing here telling me you think I'm playing games with him?" Nadia questioned.
"Aren't you?" Matt replied.
"Look Matt, I respect that you two are friends and you look out for him. But you are so overstepping those bounds right now you have no idea…" Nadia started.
"Or perhaps you're more scared than…" Matt started.
"I care about him. I want him to be happy. I want him to be walking again Matt. As far as anything beyond that goes, there isn't…" she started.
"Do you think you can lie to me and get away with it Nadia?" Matt asked quietly, silencing her.
"You don't know what you're talking about Matt" Nadia's voice quieter.
"I know what I see Nadia. I just don't understand it. I don't understand how you can be so blind to what's right in front of your face" Matt's voice quiet.
"Get out" Nadia forced the words out.
End Flashback…
She curled up on the futon, pulling the blanket that was still there up over her, closing her eyes tight.
Flashback…
"Why are you still with me Nadia?" he asked quietly.
Her eyes widened slightly completely taken back from his statement. "I don't understand what you mean" her voice quiet, uncertain after she'd waited a moment for him to explain.
He smiled slightly for a moment. "I mean, I've been a complete ass to you on countless occasions. I'm moody. I'm not the easiest person to be around Nadia. And right now I'm more than likely giving you Justin's cold" he replied quietly. "So why…" he started.
"Because as much hassle as you may give me, you take it when I give it back" she interjected quietly. "And I know if I put my foot down about something, you will comply. Because I know that it's out of frustration and not true anger when you blow up. It's been my experience that no one is easy to be around all the time and I'm quite a bitch at times myself" she gave a little smile. "But I suppose it's really because I'm confident in your recovery and I want it. Maybe not as much as you do, but probably pretty close to" she added.
"Strange don't you think, the little things about people that we just accept?" his voice quiet.
She nodded slightly. "It's not so hard with you Josh…sometimes I have to breathe a second to let it slide, but I know there's always a reason" she replied quietly.
He turned a little more putting an arm over her stomach. "Thanks for putting up with me" his voice a whisper as he closed his eyes.
"I should say the same" she whispered, her fingers rubbing the back of his neck softly.
He sighed softly. "That feels good" he murmured as she continued rubbing his neck.
"You're easy to please Josh" she whispered with a smile.
He lifted his head slightly and cast her a curious look. She merely smiled so he let his head rest again.
"You only expect what you give" her voice quiet as she rubbed his neck.
"How could I expect more?" he asked quietly.
"You don't, that's one of the things I love about you" she replied softly.
He was quiet a moment. "If I trust someone, I expect them to trust me" his voice a whisper.
"It's not an unreasonable request Josh" she replied softly
End Flashback…
She clutched the pillow in her arms tightly to her chest, tears spilling from her eyes as though she hadn't cried in years. The overwhelming ache in her entire body consuming her. Choking on her own breath she closed her eyes tightly willing the tears away.
Flashback…
She was quiet for a moment. "You think I'm leaving you?" she asked quietly.
"Go Nadia" his voice barely audible.
"That's months away Josh and…" she started.
He sat up and turned, his legs hanging off the other side of his bed, his back to her. "Do you know how many times I wanted to quit? How many times I wanted to just disappear?" his voice quiet.
"Josh…" she started quietly.
"And the only reason I didn't is because I knew you believed in me" his voice quiet.
"I believe in you because I know you can do it" her voice quiet.
He shook his head slightly. "You don't understand Nadia" his voice a little frustrated.
"I…" she started.
"You don't understand" he interjected. "I waited for you to help me…I wait for you to come, so I can be strong again. I wait for you to come everyday, because if you didn't I don't know if I could keep doing this without your strength to draw from…" he started.
"I'm not…" she started quietly.
"I wait for you to leave" his voice silenced her, "because sometimes it's too much Nadia" his voice barely audible. "And I'm so damn tired of being so weak…" he started.
"You aren't…" she started, her eyes closing to fight back tears.
"I'm tired of being someone you have to help Nadia…but I'm stuck, because I know I still need you to do this…" his voice quiet.
"Do you even know how much stronger you are Josh?" her voice barely audible.
"I don't want anyone else helping me…but I think I'm broken in ways you can't help me" his voice barely audible.
She flicked away a tear as she started around his bed.
"I don't want it to be someone else Nadia" his voice quiet as he peered in her eyes.
"I told you…" she started quietly, her voice weak.
"I know" he interjected quietly. He sighed. "I know Nadia" his voice quiet as he scooted back slightly.
She turned slightly and took a step toward his window. "Do you Josh?" her voice quiet.
"I'm trying…" he started quietly.
"There were times I knew Josh" she interjected quietly. "Times I knew you wanted me to go, needed me to go…but I stayed longer because I needed to be here" her voice nearly a whisper.
"Nadia…" he started.
"Did you think I didn't care?" she interjected quietly.
"I…" he started.
"Do you honestly think I'm so numb to you Josh?" her voice barely audible.
"How am I supposed to know Nadia" his voice a whisper.
Tears slid down her cheeks. "My eyes don't lie Josh, no matter the words coming from my mouth" her voice a whisper.
"Then look at me" his voice quiet.
She shook her head slightly. "Not while I'm not the only one you're looking at Josh" her voice quiet.
His brow furrowed a moment. "Julie?" he questioned.
"Unless there's someone else" she replied quietly.
"That was cold" he stiffened.
She shrugged slightly. "Perhaps" she replied distantly.
"You said no Nadia. You told me straight out, months ago, no" his voice quiet. She only nodded to acknowledge she was listening. "I was happy with her once…" he started.
"So you're using her?" her voice a little colder.
"No" he shook his head. He muttered under his breath frustratedly. "Nadia, I already said…" he started.
"I heard what you said Josh" her voice quiet.
"Then what do you want from me?" he asked frustratedly as he slid off the bed so he was standing.
She shook her head slightly.
"Nadia, Julie is around because she decided to be around…" he started quietly.
"She loves you" Nadia interjected quietly, a certainty in her voice that was undeniable even to him.
"I was happy with her once…I think I could be again…but…" he started.
"I don't understand you Josh" her voice a whisper, struggling to remain steady.
"But she's not the one I'd choose Nadia" his voice quiet.
"She thinks she already has you back Josh" Nadia's voice quiet.
"She doesn't" he replied quietly.
"I don't…" she started.
"Nadia what all do you need me to say to you?" he interjected a little frustrated.
She shook her head slightly. "You're leading her on" her voice quiet.
He was quiet a long time. "Do you think I haven't thought the same thing Nadia?" he asked quietly. She shrugged slightly. "I've been trying to convince myself I could be happy with Julie, the way I was before. That I could love her, and really fall for her this time…" he started.
She took a slight step toward the window.
"And every time I think I have myself convinced of it, I see you" his voice quiet.
She froze mid-step.
"And I'm back at square one Nadia. Because there's something about you that draws me to you in a way Julie never has before and never could" his voice quiet.
She shook her head slightly.
"No?" his brow furrowed. "You're telling me no…" he started.
She shook her head slightly.
"I'm really about to lose it here Nadia" he tugged at his hair. "I'm not understanding…" he started.
"You're saying you think you love me?" her voice barely audible.
He was quiet a moment. "It isn't something I'm still thinking about Nadia. The jury's been out and ruled on it already" his voice quiet.
"You can't…" she started quietly.
"Why not Nadia? Do you think you're unlovable?" his voice quiet. "Is it impossible to believe that someone cares about you? I care about you…" he started.
"Do you know why I was here Josh?" she interjected quietly.
"Why…when?"
"I was here that day, because I couldn't be anywhere else. I had to be near you. I knew you were worried…but I couldn't tell you either. I was so confused. Greg laughed, because he knew…" she started.
"Nadia…" he started.
"He always knew me. He knew I'd never be in love with him…" she trailed off.
"New Year's?" his voice a whisper.
She merely nodded. "You thought I was hung over Josh. It was easier to just…play with that then try to explain something I wasn't fully understanding myself. I only knew I had to be here" her voice barely audible.
His fingers inches from her shoulder as he reached out for her.
"I cared about you from day one Josh…but to love you…" she started, her voice a whisper.
As far as he reached forward, she was just out of his grasp. "You don't?" his voice a whisper as his arm fell.
"It's so easy to care about you Josh" her voice a whisper. "I can't let myself love you…even if I knew how, I can't."
"Why?" he choked out.
"For the same reason I've already given you" she replied in a whisper.
"Then I'll fire you" he replied whispered weakly.
"When you're so close?" her voice a whisper.
"You could Nadia…" he started.
"Josh…" she started.
"I can't believe that you'd let our working relationship come between what we could have" his voice a whisper.
She was quiet a long time. He barely heard her when she spoke. "I don't know how to love you Josh" her voice a whisper.
"Me?" his voice a whisper.
She turned around slowly. "Anyone" her voice a whisper.
"You said…" he started quietly, gently.
"I'm 26 years old for god's sake, and I'm not understanding the way I feel, the things I'm thinking…" she trailed off.
"Nadia, it's not so confusing when you look at it the right way" his voice gentle.
She met his eyes slowly. "I don't know how Josh" her voice a breath of a whisper.
His lungs deflated a breath of heavy realization. He lingered in her eyes for a moment. "Just reach out and take a step Nadia" his voice a whisper.
Words she'd spoken to him countless times, working with him on starting to walk, were spoken. Such seemingly simple instructions applied to something so much more complicated.
"I can't go back" her voice a whisper as she remained still.
He drew in a breath. "I understand this is a little confusing to you Nadia…if you take this step" he paused for a moment. "If you take this step all it's acknowledging is that there is more between us…It's not a commitment. It's not a promise. It's just a step" his voice a whisper, holding her eyes.
She was quiet a moment before she drew in a breath and swallowed. Slowly her hands slid into his as she inched forward. "I can't lie to you" her voice a whisper to his chest.
He rested his head atop hers, his arms wrapping around her. "Thank you for trusting me" his voice a whisper.
"It scares me to death Josh" her voice a whisper.
"Trusting me?" he asked quietly.
"Needing you" she breathed out.
"If I live my life in fear only to find you by my side, then I know I've never really been alone and the fear I've known was all of my own" his voice a whisper.
"What if I love you…and you change your mind?" her voice a mere breath of a whisper.
"Oh Nadia" his voice a whisper, he lowered his head, their foreheads resting against each other's. "You have no idea how out of control my mind is with you" his voice a breath of a whisper.
"Be careful with me Josh…as strong as I am, I'm twice as fragile" her voice a whisper.
"I'd never dream of hurting you…" he started.
End Flashback…
She bit her lip forcing herself back to reality. Every muscle ached as she crept forward toward her bathroom. The steam building from the bath she was drawing lingered in the air making it thick, but it's affect was nothing to hinder her already labored breathing.
She sunk down into the tub clothes and all wishing away the cold, the ache, the tears, the memories, and the dream.
JC's…
She was quiet a long time. He barely heard her when she spoke. "I don't know how to love you Josh" her voice a whisper.
"Me?" his voice a whisper.
She turned around slowly. "Anyone" her voice a whisper.
"You said…" he started quietly, gently.
"I'm 26 years old for god's sake, and I'm not understanding the way I feel, the things I'm thinking…" she trailed off.
"Nadia, it's not so confusing when you look at it the right way" his voice gentle.
She met his eyes slowly. "I don't know how Josh" her voice a breath of a whisper.
His lungs deflated a breath of heavy realization. He lingered in her eyes for a moment. "Just reach out and take a step Nadia" his voice a whisper.
Words she'd spoken to him countless times, working with him on starting to walk, were spoken. Such seemingly simple instructions applied to something so much more complicated.
"I can't go back" her voice a whisper as she remained still.
He drew in a breath. "I understand this is a little confusing to you Nadia…if you take this step" he paused for a moment. "If you take this step all it's acknowledging is that there is more between us…It's not a commitment. It's not a promise. It's just a step" his voice a whisper, holding her eyes.
She was quiet a moment before she drew in a breath and swallowed. Slowly her hands slid into his as she inched forward. "I can't lie to you" her voice a whisper to his chest.
He rested his head atop hers, his arms wrapping around her. "Thank you for trusting me" his voice a whisper.
"It scares me to death Josh" her voice a whisper.
"Trusting me?" he asked quietly.
"Needing you" she breathed out.
"If I live my life in fear only to find you by my side, then I know I've never really been alone and the fear I've known was all of my own" his voice a whisper.
"What if I love you…and you change your mind?" her voice a mere breath of a whisper.
"Oh Nadia" his voice a whisper, he lowered his head, their foreheads resting against each other's. "You have no idea how out of control my mind is with you" his voice a breath of a whisper.
"Be careful with me Josh…as strong as I am, I'm twice as fragile" her voice a whisper.
"I'd never dream of hurting you…" he started.
He jolted awake falling off his bed, landing with a hard thud and groan. Instead of calling for help, he remained silent. Instead of trying to get up or move, he remained still. He had absolutely no desire to move.
"Twice as fragile" he whispered aloud, his eyes filling with tears.
"Oh god, JC, are you alright?" Shelby ran to his side with Paige right behind her.
He gazed ahead of him, completely detached from where he was or what had happened.
"Josh?" Paige questioned.
He nodded slightly. "Damn dreams" he muttered under his breath. He shook his head slightly before turning himself about, grabbing onto the bars on his bed and pulling himself up.
Shelby stood there wide-eyed from his actions.
"I don't think you need me here anymore Josh" Paige spoke softly.
He sat on his bed and put his head in his hands. "Why is it everyone thinks I don't need them anymore?" he murmured.
"JC, you just…you just got up from the floor" Shelby breathed out.
"So?" he shrugged before letting his body fall on his bed.
"How the hell did you do that?" Paige questioned wide-eyed.
Tears blinked past his lashes. "Nadia taught me" his voice a breath of a whisper.
Chapter Twenty-Three