"The thing you've got to ask yourself is What do you want?"
The quote is of course from a very smart movie "Swimming with sharks" (1994) staring Kevin Spacey and Frank Whaley. The movie was a bit of a wakeup call for me as an impressionable youth. It told me that nothing you do will get you anything you want until first you know what that is. This white knuckled objective based system of escalating desires. A system that recognizes desires as flawed but the attainment of them to be the objective anyway. Or put more poetically The devil says to man, "Tell me what you want most and it shall be yours forever." For the having of something ruins the desire of it. Consumption turns into a cacophony of cold effluence and empty mirth, an orgy of self destruction.
I’m having a resurgence of interest in a old love of mine, Amy Lee, the lead singer of Evanescence. Her image was always so intense, powerful, and honest. My music cycles through simpler songs, Alabama and Dierks Bentley focused on the interplay of family’s and simple constructs like country; now is not the time for you. Give me the depth and complexity of the human spirit, of society and its norms and personal degradation and spiritual bankruptcy.
Today I got my grade back from my Cost accounting class 97%. My highest score yet. It is a relief. This milestone marks me as being one third of the way done with my MBA. Two years left. My two week trip out of the country to Dubai comes next summer. I will journey to the human trafficking capital of the world. to witness the vultures tear apart the flesh of the once mighty desert empire that was crushed in the global credit crunch. I will marvel at half built skyscrapers, and an underclass of migrant workers marginalized.
My job goes ok, I am being forced to write test cases again. I hate writing test cases. It's boring and stupid.
I find myself questioning my relationship frequently. I don't know if my expectations are too high or I'm looking for something that isn't there. If I focus on the negative I question its rightness, if I focus on the positive I believe it's wonderful. I know that no one is perfect, so from that one could argue that there will never be a person without both positive and negative aspects and compatibilities with me. For instance, if she wasn't so disagreeable and headstrong I would probably be bored. I could see myself ten years into the future with someone else, living a quite yuppie life, throwing wine and cheese parties and vacationing some place exotic, in a picture perfect life; and being bored and utterly desperate for interaction, for the unexpected, for something anything to provoke an emotional response. Quite desperation.
There is a certain emotional void in much of middle class interaction, and upper class interaction too, of numbers and logic, hush tones and cutting remarks, Words of sophistication and logical arguments of sound practical reasoning. It's like bleach for the painting of life. Drained of that color, that emotion, the dull drab surroundings ware on the actors. Those with enough awareness to see, cry out "make me feel something, anything". And off they go to their forms of debasement.
Though at times my life seems simple, my mind is always awash in questions. These questions without answers.
I’m having a resurgence of interest in a old love of mine, Amy Lee, the lead singer of Evanescence. Her image was always so intense, powerful, and honest. My music cycles through simpler songs, Alabama and Dierks Bentley focused on the interplay of family’s and simple constructs like country; now is not the time for you. Give me the depth and complexity of the human spirit, of society and its norms and personal degradation and spiritual bankruptcy.
Today I got my grade back from my Cost accounting class 97%. My highest score yet. It is a relief. This milestone marks me as being one third of the way done with my MBA. Two years left. My two week trip out of the country to Dubai comes next summer. I will journey to the human trafficking capital of the world. to witness the vultures tear apart the flesh of the once mighty desert empire that was crushed in the global credit crunch. I will marvel at half built skyscrapers, and an underclass of migrant workers marginalized.
My job goes ok, I am being forced to write test cases again. I hate writing test cases. It's boring and stupid.
I find myself questioning my relationship frequently. I don't know if my expectations are too high or I'm looking for something that isn't there. If I focus on the negative I question its rightness, if I focus on the positive I believe it's wonderful. I know that no one is perfect, so from that one could argue that there will never be a person without both positive and negative aspects and compatibilities with me. For instance, if she wasn't so disagreeable and headstrong I would probably be bored. I could see myself ten years into the future with someone else, living a quite yuppie life, throwing wine and cheese parties and vacationing some place exotic, in a picture perfect life; and being bored and utterly desperate for interaction, for the unexpected, for something anything to provoke an emotional response. Quite desperation.
There is a certain emotional void in much of middle class interaction, and upper class interaction too, of numbers and logic, hush tones and cutting remarks, Words of sophistication and logical arguments of sound practical reasoning. It's like bleach for the painting of life. Drained of that color, that emotion, the dull drab surroundings ware on the actors. Those with enough awareness to see, cry out "make me feel something, anything". And off they go to their forms of debasement.
Though at times my life seems simple, my mind is always awash in questions. These questions without answers.