I can't say I blame you but I wish that I could
.Poisoned Hearts Will Never Change.
As much as I hate it, I know that I should have listened to Jared long ago. I should have done what he told me to about Zach instead of being hardheaded and optimistic about the little douche.But I'll never tell Jared what happened,or that anything at all happened...because I know it'll be one of those 'I told you so' things. Who can blame him,though?
Anyway,I went to the 'meet the Tigers' thing last night. It was so gay,and sooo boring,but I went..mostly to see Zach.I get there..of course he's not there yet,because he's always fashionably late.He finally shows up and they go on the field. I sit in the stands with old friends and mostly sit there and talk to Jerzie about being a porn star.
They come off the field,and I go down to the bottom where the drums are seated,and go up to Zach. I just poked his arm and said 'hey,what's goin on?!' and he was like 'hey...nothing...but I'm gonna blow my brains out!'. That was promising. And I argued with him for a second about that but generally he refused to even look at me...much less talk to me.So he gets all sad looking and walks off to the side and stands there and beats his drumsticks against the fence.I walk over and say 'cheer up!...for me?' and he said 'okay'. And he just kinda smirked. And then I said 'can I have a hug?' and he was like 'do you absolutely need a hug?? I'm not in the hugging mood' and I said 'shyeah I need a hug! now gimme one!' and he said 'no i'm not in the mood to show love right now'. And I was kinda bothered but I said 'well me either,so how about that' and he was just like 'well fuck it then' and then just walked off. That was the last I talked to him all night.
If he was so fucking sad,then why was it so hard for him to talk and joke to his little football friends?? And it wasn't even that part that bothered me the most. It was the fact that right after he gave me the hint that he just wanted to be left alone (which I totally respected and would have understood,had it been sincere),he walked right up to the girl he supposedly cussed at for stalking him the other day. He walked completely out of his way to go up and stand with this bitch and talk to her for a good 20 minutes.And I didn't even get a look in the eye?!?! That fucking crushed me,and yes,I cried. I didn't want him to see me crying so I wiped away the tears and hid them under my sunglasses. And when he was near me I just wouldn't look at him. But I did make sure to make it a loud announcement when one of my friends came up and asked me what was the matter was. He was standing right behind her and I basically yelled about how 'I had given up so much just to wait on him and now he would rather go talk to some fat bitch stalker' and how 'fuck him...I'm done being treated this way'. And when I got up I looked right at him and said 'I just fucking hate people and wish they would die and burn in hell'. He knows me as good as anyone and he knew that I was directing that comment to him and he knows that he is the inspiration for all of this pain. But if that is the case and he truly cares about me,then what the fuck is his problem? The only conclusion I can come to after all this nonsense is that all of this means one of 2 things. Either A.-he really doesn't give a flying fuck about me and he just doesn't have the balls to actually come out and say it instead of trying to be a great pretender or B.-he doesn't know what the hell he's doing. I personally think he knows exactly what he's doing and I think that he's doing most of it on purpose. But when he left me and just walked to that girl that he supposedly hates....that completely crushed me and I felt so small. I felt so useless and so horrible last night and it's all his fault. There are some days where I just want to walk up to him and shake him and show him all of my scars and say 'please fucking just stop...look what you're doing to me!!!'. If I thought that might help,I'd consider it. But I have too much pride for that. I don't even want him to know that I cry over him...much less cut over him sometimes.Call that what you will,but as far as I'm concerned,he will never see the scars. I always wear a lot of bracelets when I'm around him and he will NEVER see my leg...and that's where the worst ones are. It does get tempting sometimes to go up and show him what he does to me time and time again,but I honestly don't know if he'd even feel shame or regret even if I did show him all of my scars.Or if I cried and went up to him and told him that the least he could do is be a friend and a shoulder to cry on,since he's the cause for the tears in the first place.I think that's how heartless he's become. He's became this incredibly egotistical,self-centered prick with no concern to what his actions do to others. He's so reckless. Especially to me. He just simply does not fucking care or he wouldn't be doing this to me. How hard is it to get over yourself and just say 'hello' to a person once a week when they go out of their way to come to something that YOU wanted them to come to?? Apparently it's harder than it looks but I wouldn't know...because I've never made it a point to become a complete dickwad in this life.
So to hell with him. And all the shit that he makes me feel. I'm tired of wasting away every day feeling sorry for myself all because of him. He just makes me feel like shit,and I don't need someone like that in my life. I critique myself enough for everyone...I don't need a panel.So fuck that.If I ever start going soft on this decision,beat the hell out of me. I just can't put myself through this anymore...and it is mostly my fault for putting up with it for this long. But no more.
On to better things..
I stayed with Lauren last night. It was cool aside from the fact that I was so aggravated that I couldn't sleep. I finally passed out eventually,but I was mad at myself for lying there dwelling on how I felt...but I couldn't help it. Isn't anxiety awesome?
I got a new journal icon!! Isn't it lovely?? The lovely Sway did that for meeee...she does everything for me. She's the coolest.She also made me an AIM icon that says 'I won't let this build up inside of me',which is a line from one of my favorite songs.How cool.
Anyway...I suppose that is all for now.
...this song is one of the prettiest songs I've ever heard and the words are exactly how I feel right now.
Is it enough
To believe that you are real
Sometimes it gets tough
Believing in myself
Well is it just me?
It could be that I'm always wrong
I hear it in my head
Twisting and lies
Till we're sure I'm wrong
But I forget
How you [b.r.o.k.e.] my heart
Or how you find yourself
Untimely falling for someone else dear
And every time
Something like this happens
You always make it seem
Like I did something wrong to you
Well guess what?
I can't do this anymore
So next time
You're thinking about telling me
What I do wrong
Think about all I let myself forget
Why can't you have me
And be happy at the same time?
As much as I hate it, I know that I should have listened to Jared long ago. I should have done what he told me to about Zach instead of being hardheaded and optimistic about the little douche.But I'll never tell Jared what happened,or that anything at all happened...because I know it'll be one of those 'I told you so' things. Who can blame him,though?
Anyway,I went to the 'meet the Tigers' thing last night. It was so gay,and sooo boring,but I went..mostly to see Zach.I get there..of course he's not there yet,because he's always fashionably late.He finally shows up and they go on the field. I sit in the stands with old friends and mostly sit there and talk to Jerzie about being a porn star.
They come off the field,and I go down to the bottom where the drums are seated,and go up to Zach. I just poked his arm and said 'hey,what's goin on?!' and he was like 'hey...nothing...but I'm gonna blow my brains out!'. That was promising. And I argued with him for a second about that but generally he refused to even look at me...much less talk to me.So he gets all sad looking and walks off to the side and stands there and beats his drumsticks against the fence.I walk over and say 'cheer up!...for me?' and he said 'okay'. And he just kinda smirked. And then I said 'can I have a hug?' and he was like 'do you absolutely need a hug?? I'm not in the hugging mood' and I said 'shyeah I need a hug! now gimme one!' and he said 'no i'm not in the mood to show love right now'. And I was kinda bothered but I said 'well me either,so how about that' and he was just like 'well fuck it then' and then just walked off. That was the last I talked to him all night.
If he was so fucking sad,then why was it so hard for him to talk and joke to his little football friends?? And it wasn't even that part that bothered me the most. It was the fact that right after he gave me the hint that he just wanted to be left alone (which I totally respected and would have understood,had it been sincere),he walked right up to the girl he supposedly cussed at for stalking him the other day. He walked completely out of his way to go up and stand with this bitch and talk to her for a good 20 minutes.And I didn't even get a look in the eye?!?! That fucking crushed me,and yes,I cried. I didn't want him to see me crying so I wiped away the tears and hid them under my sunglasses. And when he was near me I just wouldn't look at him. But I did make sure to make it a loud announcement when one of my friends came up and asked me what was the matter was. He was standing right behind her and I basically yelled about how 'I had given up so much just to wait on him and now he would rather go talk to some fat bitch stalker' and how 'fuck him...I'm done being treated this way'. And when I got up I looked right at him and said 'I just fucking hate people and wish they would die and burn in hell'. He knows me as good as anyone and he knew that I was directing that comment to him and he knows that he is the inspiration for all of this pain. But if that is the case and he truly cares about me,then what the fuck is his problem? The only conclusion I can come to after all this nonsense is that all of this means one of 2 things. Either A.-he really doesn't give a flying fuck about me and he just doesn't have the balls to actually come out and say it instead of trying to be a great pretender or B.-he doesn't know what the hell he's doing. I personally think he knows exactly what he's doing and I think that he's doing most of it on purpose. But when he left me and just walked to that girl that he supposedly hates....that completely crushed me and I felt so small. I felt so useless and so horrible last night and it's all his fault. There are some days where I just want to walk up to him and shake him and show him all of my scars and say 'please fucking just stop...look what you're doing to me!!!'. If I thought that might help,I'd consider it. But I have too much pride for that. I don't even want him to know that I cry over him...much less cut over him sometimes.Call that what you will,but as far as I'm concerned,he will never see the scars. I always wear a lot of bracelets when I'm around him and he will NEVER see my leg...and that's where the worst ones are. It does get tempting sometimes to go up and show him what he does to me time and time again,but I honestly don't know if he'd even feel shame or regret even if I did show him all of my scars.Or if I cried and went up to him and told him that the least he could do is be a friend and a shoulder to cry on,since he's the cause for the tears in the first place.I think that's how heartless he's become. He's became this incredibly egotistical,self-centered prick with no concern to what his actions do to others. He's so reckless. Especially to me. He just simply does not fucking care or he wouldn't be doing this to me. How hard is it to get over yourself and just say 'hello' to a person once a week when they go out of their way to come to something that YOU wanted them to come to?? Apparently it's harder than it looks but I wouldn't know...because I've never made it a point to become a complete dickwad in this life.
So to hell with him. And all the shit that he makes me feel. I'm tired of wasting away every day feeling sorry for myself all because of him. He just makes me feel like shit,and I don't need someone like that in my life. I critique myself enough for everyone...I don't need a panel.So fuck that.If I ever start going soft on this decision,beat the hell out of me. I just can't put myself through this anymore...and it is mostly my fault for putting up with it for this long. But no more.
On to better things..
I stayed with Lauren last night. It was cool aside from the fact that I was so aggravated that I couldn't sleep. I finally passed out eventually,but I was mad at myself for lying there dwelling on how I felt...but I couldn't help it. Isn't anxiety awesome?
I got a new journal icon!! Isn't it lovely?? The lovely Sway did that for meeee...she does everything for me. She's the coolest.She also made me an AIM icon that says 'I won't let this build up inside of me',which is a line from one of my favorite songs.How cool.
Anyway...I suppose that is all for now.
...this song is one of the prettiest songs I've ever heard and the words are exactly how I feel right now.
Is it enough
To believe that you are real
Sometimes it gets tough
Believing in myself
Well is it just me?
It could be that I'm always wrong
I hear it in my head
Twisting and lies
Till we're sure I'm wrong
But I forget
How you [b.r.o.k.e.] my heart
Or how you find yourself
Untimely falling for someone else dear
And every time
Something like this happens
You always make it seem
Like I did something wrong to you
Well guess what?
I can't do this anymore
So next time
You're thinking about telling me
What I do wrong
Think about all I let myself forget
Why can't you have me
And be happy at the same time?