State of the Girl
Hey, so, it's been a long time. I just figured I'd leave a brief update for anyone coming in to see if I'm still alive (answer: yes) and what's up with me.
Updates are below the cut, but be forewarned that there's some heavier mental health shit there. If you don't think you can handle it, that's fine. We probably haven't talked in ages. See the above re: my current existence (reminder: I am alive. Heart beating. Neurons firing. Et cetera.) and take peace in that, then keep your own health in mind.
First and foremost, I thought I'd just get it out of the way and mention that a little over a month ago all that anxious-depressive stuff I used to post about frequently here came to a head. After about eight months of being severely depressed, I tried to kill myself. Obviously, I did not succeed, but I now know what the inside of a hospital psych ward looks like. I'm on new meds and in the middle of an intensive outpatient therapy program right now, though, so I'm on the right path. I probably have Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, which is genuinely frightening and really takes a toll on my body and mind, but now that I'm aware of it I can try to deal with it.
The rest I'm gonna sum up as shortly as I can, to make this as painless as possible.
Current Mental Health: Work in Progress. Asperger's, chronic depression and anxiety, probable PMDD.
Current Physical Health: Mostly Okay. Possible liver damage, acid reflux, possible IBS, cholesterol in management, and, again, probable PMDD.
Current Politics: Fuck Trump. Pro-BLM and pro-PP. Mad at Susan Sarandon. Mad at pretty much everyone, really. Single payer now, please.
Current Fandoms: HO HO HO WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW
Past Fandoms: Had to Give Up on a fandom for real for the first time, and now I struggle to even enjoy Sherlock (though that's partly due to the treatment of Mary in S4E1; haven't managed to make it past that yet honestly). If you're thinking about watching it or engaging with the fandom, try watching it but stop when it starts to become frustrating, and keep the fandom at an arm's length. There are kind and talented people still (probably) there, but they are a few guppies in a pond of piranhas.
Current TV Shows: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Steven Universe, iZombie, The Voice US; trying out a few others and trying to get back into some (Face Off, Doctor Who, etc). Really looking forward to Runaways on Hulu.
Past TV Shows: Hannibal, Pushing Daisies, and Orphan Black are all amazing and you should watch them in their entirety.
Movies: Still love My Neighbor Totoro so much it hurts a little bit. Inglourious Basterds remains awesome. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a nice, lesser-known gem. Marvel is doing a pretty good job (though it's struggling with first sequels, it seems to come back with third installments; Guardians of the Galaxy 2 was awesome, though).
Current Celebrity Crushes: Still kinda crushing on Robert Downey Jr. in spite of myself. Jennifer Lawrence and Michelle Rodriguez make all of me happy. Donald Glover is massively underrated. Hugh Dancy needs more chances to add good films to his repertoire. Mads Mikkelsen is more than just a villain. Tatiana Maslany should play all of the roles. I'm a little embarrassed about how much I like Zendaya, but... I really like Zendaya. Bryan Fuller is my writing idol.
Current Music: God I've fallen out of sync with music lately. I still like a lot of stuff but I rarely get to choose what I listen to, and rarely listen to stuff on my own. Sia, Florence and the Machine, OK Go, Fitz and the Tantrums, Regina Spektor... uh... Barns Courntey is pretty cool, and Alessia Cara seems to do stuff I like?
Current Comics: I'm not reading anything consistently at the moment. I know there's good stuff, but it's just fallen by the wayside. Oglaf is a great adult comic online, though.
Current Pets: Two dogs; Benson passed away some months ago. Three cats in the house, one of them my cat, who is my precious little princess with a terrible attitude who keeps me alive some days; we just had to put down Emily this week. Three fish tanks - I don't even know, honestly.
Current Games: Dream Daddy, except my laptop died so not really current anymore I guess.
Current Work: Sucks. Seeking to replace it. Major factor in my depression and anxiety.
Current Books: Honestly, the only thing I've read recently that wasn't fanfiction or otherwise online is Romeo and/or Juliet by Ryan North. It's fun! Well, that and For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality by Lonnie Barbach. It's a different kind of fun.
Current VARIOUS HOBBIES: Bath and body stuff (perfume, soapmaking, candles, incense, sugar scrubs, bath bombs, etc; casually, though, because I have no money), writing (as always, though I suffered an eight-month writer's block), planning excessively extravagant Christmas stuff I will probably never be able to execute.
Miscellaneous: My older brother got married about two years ago. My younger brother's getting married in a little over half a year. I'm still living la vida lonely. Still living with my parents due to aforementioned financial and mental health issues. Still miss a lot of people who I used to interact with on here, especially my Cardboardia peeps.
Last Thoughts: If you are thinking of hurting yourself, even passively (i.e. "It would be better if I wasn't around." or "I don't want to kill myself but I wish I didn't exist."), please seek help. It's not as scary as it seems, and you aren't alone at all. The other people you meet can actually be pretty awesome. Don't discount therapy or medication because you've tried it before; they're both sort of like clothes with no size labels or measurements, and there are a lot of bad fits, but good fits are real good. Getting a diagnosis kind of sucks at first, but once you have it, you can start to make sense of things and make your life easier.
Updates are below the cut, but be forewarned that there's some heavier mental health shit there. If you don't think you can handle it, that's fine. We probably haven't talked in ages. See the above re: my current existence (reminder: I am alive. Heart beating. Neurons firing. Et cetera.) and take peace in that, then keep your own health in mind.
First and foremost, I thought I'd just get it out of the way and mention that a little over a month ago all that anxious-depressive stuff I used to post about frequently here came to a head. After about eight months of being severely depressed, I tried to kill myself. Obviously, I did not succeed, but I now know what the inside of a hospital psych ward looks like. I'm on new meds and in the middle of an intensive outpatient therapy program right now, though, so I'm on the right path. I probably have Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, which is genuinely frightening and really takes a toll on my body and mind, but now that I'm aware of it I can try to deal with it.
The rest I'm gonna sum up as shortly as I can, to make this as painless as possible.
Current Mental Health: Work in Progress. Asperger's, chronic depression and anxiety, probable PMDD.
Current Physical Health: Mostly Okay. Possible liver damage, acid reflux, possible IBS, cholesterol in management, and, again, probable PMDD.
Current Politics: Fuck Trump. Pro-BLM and pro-PP. Mad at Susan Sarandon. Mad at pretty much everyone, really. Single payer now, please.
Current Fandoms: HO HO HO WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW
Past Fandoms: Had to Give Up on a fandom for real for the first time, and now I struggle to even enjoy Sherlock (though that's partly due to the treatment of Mary in S4E1; haven't managed to make it past that yet honestly). If you're thinking about watching it or engaging with the fandom, try watching it but stop when it starts to become frustrating, and keep the fandom at an arm's length. There are kind and talented people still (probably) there, but they are a few guppies in a pond of piranhas.
Current TV Shows: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Steven Universe, iZombie, The Voice US; trying out a few others and trying to get back into some (Face Off, Doctor Who, etc). Really looking forward to Runaways on Hulu.
Past TV Shows: Hannibal, Pushing Daisies, and Orphan Black are all amazing and you should watch them in their entirety.
Movies: Still love My Neighbor Totoro so much it hurts a little bit. Inglourious Basterds remains awesome. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a nice, lesser-known gem. Marvel is doing a pretty good job (though it's struggling with first sequels, it seems to come back with third installments; Guardians of the Galaxy 2 was awesome, though).
Current Celebrity Crushes: Still kinda crushing on Robert Downey Jr. in spite of myself. Jennifer Lawrence and Michelle Rodriguez make all of me happy. Donald Glover is massively underrated. Hugh Dancy needs more chances to add good films to his repertoire. Mads Mikkelsen is more than just a villain. Tatiana Maslany should play all of the roles. I'm a little embarrassed about how much I like Zendaya, but... I really like Zendaya. Bryan Fuller is my writing idol.
Current Music: God I've fallen out of sync with music lately. I still like a lot of stuff but I rarely get to choose what I listen to, and rarely listen to stuff on my own. Sia, Florence and the Machine, OK Go, Fitz and the Tantrums, Regina Spektor... uh... Barns Courntey is pretty cool, and Alessia Cara seems to do stuff I like?
Current Comics: I'm not reading anything consistently at the moment. I know there's good stuff, but it's just fallen by the wayside. Oglaf is a great adult comic online, though.
Current Pets: Two dogs; Benson passed away some months ago. Three cats in the house, one of them my cat, who is my precious little princess with a terrible attitude who keeps me alive some days; we just had to put down Emily this week. Three fish tanks - I don't even know, honestly.
Current Games: Dream Daddy, except my laptop died so not really current anymore I guess.
Current Work: Sucks. Seeking to replace it. Major factor in my depression and anxiety.
Current Books: Honestly, the only thing I've read recently that wasn't fanfiction or otherwise online is Romeo and/or Juliet by Ryan North. It's fun! Well, that and For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality by Lonnie Barbach. It's a different kind of fun.
Current VARIOUS HOBBIES: Bath and body stuff (perfume, soapmaking, candles, incense, sugar scrubs, bath bombs, etc; casually, though, because I have no money), writing (as always, though I suffered an eight-month writer's block), planning excessively extravagant Christmas stuff I will probably never be able to execute.
Miscellaneous: My older brother got married about two years ago. My younger brother's getting married in a little over half a year. I'm still living la vida lonely. Still living with my parents due to aforementioned financial and mental health issues. Still miss a lot of people who I used to interact with on here, especially my Cardboardia peeps.
Last Thoughts: If you are thinking of hurting yourself, even passively (i.e. "It would be better if I wasn't around." or "I don't want to kill myself but I wish I didn't exist."), please seek help. It's not as scary as it seems, and you aren't alone at all. The other people you meet can actually be pretty awesome. Don't discount therapy or medication because you've tried it before; they're both sort of like clothes with no size labels or measurements, and there are a lot of bad fits, but good fits are real good. Getting a diagnosis kind of sucks at first, but once you have it, you can start to make sense of things and make your life easier.