sometimes...
i'm just sad. really, sad isn't the right word. more... disheartened? in a funk? i don't know. it's just that after something amusing was just said or something fun was just done or basically sometimes when i'm just sitting and thinking, i fall into this stage. and usually the next amusing thing said or fun thing done or falling asleep pulls me out of it. but sometimes something amusing isn't immediately uttered, something fun isn't immediately done, and more often than not, i end up doing schoolwork which just sinks me down even lower w/its constant frustrations...
*insert disclaimer here: this is not a personal message to anyone. i swear. do not think because i am saying all this you are not my friend or that you have let me down in any sort of way. i'm not angry at anyone. honest. i'm not writing this to lash out at anyone. there are just some things i have to straighten out for myself. true, i don't have to put this online where all can read it, but hopefully the people who do read it are close enough to me to realize that i'm writing this because i need to. and partly because these are things i could never tell people but maybe they are things that people need to know to understand me and my moodiness (without the awkward "ok..." that would follow if shared in conversation). these aren't things that i expect someone else to have figured out because i barely did myself. and whether or not YOU were here, i would probably still have these fears and thoughts. in fact, i think part of the reason all these things have bothered me is because a) i feel like some of my ties have been cut or at least stretched quite a bit and b) in order to move on from that i'm having to devleop new ties and these insecurities are popping up. i might turn this private after awhile, but for now, just know that i am not doing this so that you'll feel the obligation to say hey to me and see what's up (because if you really understand it, you'll know that's not what i want). in fact, after writing this, i feel a little less hopeless...*
i know i'm a frustrating person. i've lived with me for 20 years and i still haven't figured out why i feel the way i feel sometimes. maybe it's those messed up hormones. damn estrogen and progesterone and who knows what other little neurotransmitters are kicking me in the synapse. i know that i'll sit here and feel sorry for myself and wonder why no one cares when obviously people do care. i know people are just too busy to have time to sit down and wait on me, and even if they do i know that i can be horribly stubborn about being cheered up. i know that other people can't instill happiness or motivation or confidence in me. i know that there are people in the world much worse off than i am. but i also know that knowing all these things doesn't make these spells go away.
so what does? that i don't know, at least not for sure. time for one, although i never know how much. and people around me. and that's the part that helps and hurts me at the same time. i admit it. i need other people. i can be alone if i have to, i could grow up with a dog and a lonely house at night and a table set for one. i've thought about it. i can do it without feeling the need to live with my parents (if they're still around) or to go "settle" for someone to marry. but i don't want to. and if i do end up like that, i want somewhere to go on holidays. i want people who will call me out of the blue to see how i'm doing. i want a whole list of people i think worthy of sending christmas cards to. i want to know that if i get hurt, someone will take care of my dog and come visit me with flowers and a card. i want to know that when i do lose my parents, someone's going to be there telling me that i'm not alone. except as much as i want these things, i don't want it half-assed. and i guess that's where i become this awful snob. because most of the time people aren't half assing it, they just haven't got the time or the means to fulfill the huge ass standard i have. i don't like trusting people, and yet i need them. and it's this horrible mess inside me where i want to tell someone everything i feel and why i'm down but at the same time i don't want to tell them. because what if they think my reasons are so stupid i'm beyond their sympathy? because what if they don't really care and they'll nod and pat my head and then forget about me until i'm down again? because what if they really don't want to be there to bear my burdens and they just happened to get in the way? because what if this isn't the person they thought they knew?
because i have to live with me, every day, day in day out. you don't. and if you're going to, i want it to be because you want to, because you think i'm worthy of your concern and care, because you will drop what you're holding to help me up and because if i fall again you won't give up on me. because i don't just come into your mind when i'm crying for help. because i know i'm difficult. and i don't want to be told that i'm not. i don't want to reach up and have no one else there reaching down to help me. i'd rather not reach up at all. i just want to know that i won't have to go through these things alone, that you won't just be there at the end when all is better but that you'll see me through all the way. not necessarily holding my hand, but helping me up when i do fall. because i will. multiple times. and i hate starting things unless i know that they're going to be done. i can do it alone. just not happily. and if you don't want to be that person, fine, i'll be happy all the time. but it won't be the kind of happiness that leaves me smiling afterwards. it'll be that happiness that comes when something amusing was said or something fun was done, that happiness that once over leaves me feeling empty and *sad*. but if you don't want that shallow happiness, if you want more, you're also going to have to accept the down, the dreary, the stubborn, the frustrating, the insecurities, the petty pity, the mood swings, the tears, the pessimism. the me.
otherwise, you can always see me happy.
*insert disclaimer here: this is not a personal message to anyone. i swear. do not think because i am saying all this you are not my friend or that you have let me down in any sort of way. i'm not angry at anyone. honest. i'm not writing this to lash out at anyone. there are just some things i have to straighten out for myself. true, i don't have to put this online where all can read it, but hopefully the people who do read it are close enough to me to realize that i'm writing this because i need to. and partly because these are things i could never tell people but maybe they are things that people need to know to understand me and my moodiness (without the awkward "ok..." that would follow if shared in conversation). these aren't things that i expect someone else to have figured out because i barely did myself. and whether or not YOU were here, i would probably still have these fears and thoughts. in fact, i think part of the reason all these things have bothered me is because a) i feel like some of my ties have been cut or at least stretched quite a bit and b) in order to move on from that i'm having to devleop new ties and these insecurities are popping up. i might turn this private after awhile, but for now, just know that i am not doing this so that you'll feel the obligation to say hey to me and see what's up (because if you really understand it, you'll know that's not what i want). in fact, after writing this, i feel a little less hopeless...*
i know i'm a frustrating person. i've lived with me for 20 years and i still haven't figured out why i feel the way i feel sometimes. maybe it's those messed up hormones. damn estrogen and progesterone and who knows what other little neurotransmitters are kicking me in the synapse. i know that i'll sit here and feel sorry for myself and wonder why no one cares when obviously people do care. i know people are just too busy to have time to sit down and wait on me, and even if they do i know that i can be horribly stubborn about being cheered up. i know that other people can't instill happiness or motivation or confidence in me. i know that there are people in the world much worse off than i am. but i also know that knowing all these things doesn't make these spells go away.
so what does? that i don't know, at least not for sure. time for one, although i never know how much. and people around me. and that's the part that helps and hurts me at the same time. i admit it. i need other people. i can be alone if i have to, i could grow up with a dog and a lonely house at night and a table set for one. i've thought about it. i can do it without feeling the need to live with my parents (if they're still around) or to go "settle" for someone to marry. but i don't want to. and if i do end up like that, i want somewhere to go on holidays. i want people who will call me out of the blue to see how i'm doing. i want a whole list of people i think worthy of sending christmas cards to. i want to know that if i get hurt, someone will take care of my dog and come visit me with flowers and a card. i want to know that when i do lose my parents, someone's going to be there telling me that i'm not alone. except as much as i want these things, i don't want it half-assed. and i guess that's where i become this awful snob. because most of the time people aren't half assing it, they just haven't got the time or the means to fulfill the huge ass standard i have. i don't like trusting people, and yet i need them. and it's this horrible mess inside me where i want to tell someone everything i feel and why i'm down but at the same time i don't want to tell them. because what if they think my reasons are so stupid i'm beyond their sympathy? because what if they don't really care and they'll nod and pat my head and then forget about me until i'm down again? because what if they really don't want to be there to bear my burdens and they just happened to get in the way? because what if this isn't the person they thought they knew?
because i have to live with me, every day, day in day out. you don't. and if you're going to, i want it to be because you want to, because you think i'm worthy of your concern and care, because you will drop what you're holding to help me up and because if i fall again you won't give up on me. because i don't just come into your mind when i'm crying for help. because i know i'm difficult. and i don't want to be told that i'm not. i don't want to reach up and have no one else there reaching down to help me. i'd rather not reach up at all. i just want to know that i won't have to go through these things alone, that you won't just be there at the end when all is better but that you'll see me through all the way. not necessarily holding my hand, but helping me up when i do fall. because i will. multiple times. and i hate starting things unless i know that they're going to be done. i can do it alone. just not happily. and if you don't want to be that person, fine, i'll be happy all the time. but it won't be the kind of happiness that leaves me smiling afterwards. it'll be that happiness that comes when something amusing was said or something fun was done, that happiness that once over leaves me feeling empty and *sad*. but if you don't want that shallow happiness, if you want more, you're also going to have to accept the down, the dreary, the stubborn, the frustrating, the insecurities, the petty pity, the mood swings, the tears, the pessimism. the me.
otherwise, you can always see me happy.