What If?: Strangers in the Night. Chapter Five.
Written by: lady_lilith and lady_death.
Title: What If?: Strangers in the Night. Chapter Five.
Fandom: National Hockey League, AR.
Characters: Ed Jovanovski, Chris Drury.
Word Count: 3,957.
Rating: PG.
Summary: The best way to finish a bad day.
Author's Notes: This is set on May 11, 2009. The Yankees spent the day traveling between Baltimore and Toronto. A phone call. This is an AR.
Stretches for his phone, having forgotten to leave it close by. Snappish, "Yeah?"
"Uh... hi."
"Oh. Chris?" His tone softens, "Didn't realise it was you."
"Was this a bad time?"
"No. Just had a shit day at the office."
"What happened?"
"Stupid rookie shit. Didn't keep my focus and I let some half-assed kid graze me. He was jonesing for a score and the withdrawals made him stupider than nature already did."
"Graze you?"
"He had a knife, not much more than a piece of crap pocket knife. It just caught me on the side. I'm fine, but pissed that I let it happen in the first place. I also liked that shirt he ruined."
"A knife?!"
"I'm telling you it was a flimsy little thing. We had the guy in cuffs in a minute flat, no big deal."
"Someone cut you with a knife?!"
"Scratched me. He's lucky he chose to jump two cops. We're restrained by the law from kicking the shit out of him."
"Did you need stitches?"
"Couple of butterfly stitches patched me up fine."
"Stitches, plural!"
"They aren't real stitches, they're fancy bandaids out of the first aid kit."
"But still."
"It only stings enough to be a goddamn nuisance."
"Did you go to a doctor?"
"One of the emergency responders checked it out for me. I hate hospitals."
"You should go to the ER."
"I don't need to go to the ER for a fuckin' scratch. I have my tetanus shot."
"It's a cut."
"Don't you get cuts in baseball all the time? Shards of bats flying everywhere."
"Yes, but that's not with a knife."
"It wasn't a 98 mph fastball off the knee either."
"Batters are very touchy about that. But still, you don't know what was on that knife."
"You're worrying about me over there? I promise if I start showing signs of anything unusual I'll suck it up and go to the hospital. I'd be more worried if he bit me."
Sighs, "I don't like the idea of you bleeding."
"Ever since the divorce I've had no one to bully me into going to the hospital. Kirstin was an EMT and wouldn't put up with any shit from me."
"You do now. If you need to go, you should go."
"I don't for this. Really. It's not like I'm oozing all over my bed."
"But if you need to, you promise you will?"
"I promise. I have to be here on Friday and I don't plan on being pumped full of antibiotics in a hospital bed that day."
"Good! Because that's a terrible place for a first date."
"It really wasn't the atmosphere I had in mind."
"No, me either. Other than the assault, how did today go?"
"Besides having to work on my supposed day off? We got a lead we had to jump on or lose and it looks like it will actually help us break the case. The good guys went 2-for-2."
"That's good to hear. I suppose I can't know more than that, right?"
"I'm used to it not being the kind of thing people want to listen to. I don't think I told you exactly what a Canadian is doing in New York to begin with."
"Can you? I would like to hear it."
"I can give you some of the generalizations if not the specifics. I work as a liaison officer through the International Operations Branch of the RCMP. We have mounties stationed all around the world at nearly thirty locations. Like I could be in London right now or New Delhi. As a liaison officer I get to play glorified go between for Canada and my host country. It's important to keep up good relations because without the US' cooperation I have no jurisdiction here, even when the case involves Canada's interests. I get to serve as an intelligence officer and provide support in long-term investigations. I have a bunch of day-to-day office crap that gets thrown in there too like offering training to people. Mostly though I got this job because I specialise in human trafficking, especially where organized crime and sex rings are involved."
"So because you're in New York, it means something of that nature is happening there? I know it's silly, but I never pictured Canada as having anything so horrific."
"JFK is the biggest hub for trafficking in the northeastern US."
"Wow. I never would have imagined."
"Because the shit barely gets processed and hardly is given the resources it should. It's only been the past five years that governments have been passing laws to really go after who is in charge of these operations. It pisses me the fuck off. Canada used to deport victims before we could find out when they came into the country or how. These girls need asylum and counseling, not a plane ticket home. The NYPD has a made a big thing about creating an anti-human trafficking unit, which they've been splashing all over the Times. At least they're smart enough to keep detectives names out of it, but that's who I'm working with at the moment."
"At least they're asking for your help, it sounds like they need it."
"I don't mind training their people in this, because half the time it's attitude. They look at the hooker on the corner and think, 'She's just a prostitute'. They never consider she could be a part of something bigger or maybe she never meant to come here in the first place."
"And you're gaining ground in taking down this ring? The one in New York?"
"We got a big break. Of course one of my team thinks the Feds are going to sweep in now and ruin all our hard work."
"Can you stop that?"
"I can try to pull rank if they do cause any trouble. I do understand where they're coming from. Sometimes a province with its own local police gets twitchy when the RCMP offers to help. It's a different perspective being a member of a national police force, you don't tend to need to piss all over your territory. If somebody else can do it better, fantastic. Putting the bad guys away is the point, right? That's the thing with these kinds of cases, it's a crime against everybody. You can't think it begins or ends at the city line or the county line or even the country line. Canada is acting as a depot in this instance, but next time the US could be the pit stop and they could be dumping the cesspool into our backyard."
"So they're not supposed to mind you coming in and you're not supposed to mind if they take over once you've broken it open?"
"Cracked it open. I mind if I get shoved aside and they're like a bull in a china shop trampling all over my work. If they want to work together fine. Really, it comes down to me wanting their resources to act as the sledge hammer that splits it open. That means I chew off another piece of my tongue and play nice so they'll let me play with their toys."
"How well do you handle that?"
"Better than I did when I was younger. I spent three years working as a liaison officer in Miami and the only reasons I left were being a little homesick and not wanting to dance the political tango. Luckily this time, it's higher up brass than me who will get to battle it out."
"That must be a difficult thing to deal with. If you keep the peace, that's something to be proud of. I know I don't enjoy someone else finishing my games."
"On this one they either work with me or call it off, so I have them by the balls."
"That's a good position to be in."
"Mmhmm. It's not too shabby to be the man holding the ace. Do you wish you could always pitch the full game?"
"Everytime I go out there."
"Why don't they let you?"
"I'm getting older. They don't think I should throw 120 pitches anymore."
"Shouldn't the pitcher always be right?"
Laughs, "I wish that were so."
"I heard you pitcher types can be a little high strung. I would have thought they'd want to keep you happy."
"That's a stereotype."
"You mean those sports radio stations can get things wrong? They aren't the gospel?"
"I'm sorry to ruin the illusion."
"You should sue them."
"We leave that for when they share the big lies."
"Giving people false impressions of pitchers is a pretty big one."
"At least there are no strippers involved."
"But was that actually slander?"
Sighs, "No, but I wish it had been."
"You weren't frequenting those places. I can't picture you getting a lap dance from a girl with fake tits."
"No, thank you. Cone-shaped or otherwise."
"Were there even strippers at your bachelor party?"
"No, there weren't. I'm not a 'stripper' type guy."
"Who was your best man? He's supposed to torture you with that whether you enjoy it or not."
"That was a long time ago."
"So long you can't remember the guy?"
"I'd rather not think about that."
"Oh, history between the two of you. If you ever decide to renew your vows, you could have a second bachelor party done right this time."
Laughs, "If my wife has a wedding ceremony now, I'm not likely to be a part of it."
"You haven't even gotten divorced yet. Isn't that putting the horse before the cart, a bit?"
"Not at all. Considering why she's in LA right now."
"You aren't the only person warming her bed?"
"I am not."
"Huh. Do you miss her when she's out there?"
"I miss the kids, but I'm on the road."
"It's tough when work keeps you apart so often."
"It is. They're growing up fast."
"Any future baseball players among them?"
"My daughter, maybe." Laughs.
"Pitcher right? Or are you open minded enough to let her branch out to another position."
"I always cringe when people ask me that. No, she doesn't want to pitch."
"Well she's young and impressionable still. You can always try brainwashing."
"I tried. Her favourite Uncle is to blame."
"I question your techniques if you weren't successful. Uncle?"
"My teammates. They're all 'Uncle somebody'. I tried to explain the Red Sox connection, but she wasn't moved."
"Your daughter not only refuses to become a pitcher, but now she’s taking after a member of the Red Sox? Or like a former member? Isn't that against the rules in your epic war across time and space with each other?"
"Believe me, I feel the shame acutely."
"This has gotta be Damon, right? Are you forced to invite him over for dinner and watch him corrupt your young in person?"
Sighs, "I would like to see you say no when she bats her eyelashes."
"You just give 'em a puppy instead."
"She has a puppy. She named him after him."
What starts as a snicker turns into a full blown laugh.
"Oh stop that, you!"
Tries to take a breath, but by the time he can finally stop laughing he's wheezing.
Sighs, "I can wait."
"It--it's not Fifi at least?"
"I would rather that! I just thank god she's only five. She can grow out of it."
"You think you'd like something like Fifi until you're shouting down the street after it and your kid insists you use its full name, 'Josephina Grand Princess of the Universe'."
"Is this personal experience I hear you speaking from?"
"Oh yeah. I can't wait to find out what Kylie names her horse."
"At least there's less chance you're calling for horses down the street."
"No, but if she decides to show him, they'll announce it to the whole crowd."
"Ah, well, that must be a very proud moment for the Grand Princess of the Universe."
"It will probably be empress by then."
"Of course it will be. Johnny the Puppy is sounding better and better."
"There are plenty of Johnnys in the world. It can grow into a different one once she gets past this phase."
"As long as she doesn't want to change his name, he won't get an identity complex."
"Neh, that's when you get the second dog and your wife threatens to bring in lawyers."
"I can't not give my son a dog."
"You aren't teaching your kids concepts like communal property?"
Laughs, "You haven't met my daughter."
"Sharing is caring."
"That ship has sailed."
"You can bring her back to port if you put in a good effort now before she gets to middle school."
"I do try. Her other parents spoil her too, though."
"Uh...if I'm being way too fucking nosey tell me to shut up or if my ears are playing tricks on me I apologize now. Parents?"
"Our family is... complicated."
"Isn't that the definition of the modern family? I've been trying not to think about what's going to happen if my kids start calling Shane 'dad'."
"I will admit I am grateful for that. Rob is still Uncle, and I think it will stay that way."
"Do you ever get twitchy about someone else raising your kids?"
"Yes, I do. But Rory makes sure they don't spend more time on that coast than this one during my season. I'm grateful for that."
"They're my kids and someone else is tucking them in at night."
"I understand that feeling very much."
"I..." Takes a breath, "I fucking hate it. I try to be the bigger person you know? March along that high road, do what's best for my kids, but part of me wants to go bash some heads in instead."
"I do know. How much do you get to see them?"
"School breaks for the older two. It's hard getting time off and their stuff to match up sometimes."
"It's hard once they're school age, I would assume. I'm dreading it, to be honest, because I'm sure that means they'll stay in California until July. It's difficult."
"How many years do you have with your boy before you have to worry about that?"
"He turned four in May."
"My sympathies. You get out of the terrible threes and then the school system wants to educate them."
"He never had 'terrible' twos or threes. He's a very well behaved boy."
"How did you manage that?"
"Just lucky."
"You didn't pay anyone off? Switch babies at the hospital?"
"Evidently I was a quiet baby too."
"The mother's curse, huh? May your kids be exactly like you."
"If that's so, I'll have to remember to thank her."
"My mother was always yelling that at me along with, 'And someday your kids will treat you like you treat me'. I don't know what she was talking about, I was a saint."
Laughs, "I'm sure you were."
"You're already doubting my statements?"
"Not at all. I believe you were a perfect son."
"I certainly was better behaved once I decided to join up with the mounties."
"I would think so."
"My friends sure didn't appreciate me telling them I couldn't chance having anything that would ruin my application. But after that mama was still telling me my kids would end up terrors and they certainly had their moments as toddlers."
"From what I understand most normal toddlers have those moments. Dylan did for sure. My boy is just an oddity."
"I still think you paid someone off to make that happen. I want that secret so I can pass it on for Coco and Cole."
"I pray whatever I did do, continues with our new baby. If it does, I'll pass along the tips."
"Seriously, music, special food, whatever you did."
Laughs, "I'll take notes."
"You could patent whatever it is and market it to other families."
"I could quit baseball with that income."
"If the lifestyle ever gets to dull for you it would provide a nice retirement."
"A nice retirement has crossed my mind more than once."
"How many years you got in? Do they give you a pin at 15 or 20?"
"Twelve now. I'm told fifteen is a benchmark."
"Do you get something special for it?"
"I hope not."
"You don't want one of those cute ceremonies where everybody pats you on the back?"
Sighs, "I hate those. Leave them for the guys that want the spotlight."
"Oh yeah, you're Mr. I don't do strippers. You probably hate any kind of party they want to throw you, right?"
"I do. I thankfully talked them out of it after that one-hitter last year. I told them if I threw a no hitter, they could have an event."
"An event sounds very open ended. Are you sure you want to give them that much power?"
"I'll be so happy to have thrown one, that yes."
"You'll be too happy to complain, I see. Bet that's an event to see."
"Baseball-wise, it's happened three times in my career."
"You being that happy?"
"Yes, being so happy I didn't mind the parties or the attention."
"What did it take?"
"Winning the World Series."
"Ah, I guess that was a pretty stupid question. You're a team player, it wouldn't have been some individual accomplishment."
"They're nice, but it's nothing even close to the team winning."
"I'd like to see you that excited and happy."
"I would be glad to show you late this October."
"Luckily, I don't have plans to be anywhere, but New York."
"That is very lucky. I'll make sure you have a good seat."
"Like on Friday? I already made sure that'll be my paperwork day."
"Thank you. I'd hate to think about you fending off knives before a game."
"I was more worried about being stuck taking interviews and missing it."
"Taking interviews?"
"Knives are quick. You cuff the guy, you bring him in, toss him in the cage, fill out an incident report and bang out the rest of the forms later. If you have to talk to witnesses for a case, you could get stuck doing that for hours."
"Knives are also dangerous."
"Which is why I'm going to be sitting at my desk all day, writing e-mails, answering the phone with nothing to stop me from punching out on time."
"I like the sound of that very much.
"Pray there aren't any diplomatic incidents involving the RCMP and we're home free."
"I will add that to things I pray for now."
"Every little bit helps."
"I'd like to think so."
"Same time tomorrow?"
"Yes or hereabouts. I enjoy this habit."
"I'm glad I was here to oblige."
"I hope I didn't bore you too much."
"Boring? Chris, you are definitely not boring. Intriguing, fascinating, not boring."
"Thank you. I'm told I don't give interesting soundbites."
"I hope you don't talk to the press like that or I'll be fighting off the line at your door."
Laughs, "No, I promise you, I've never talked to the press this much in my life."
"With what you'd draw, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to compete."
"If all these compliments go to my head, it'll be your fault."
"Little ego boost is good for you, especially when it's true. I have to combat those reporters who think you're boring."
"I like to talk about baseball with them, and nothing else, and they don't appreciate that."
"Are they working for ESPN or the Enquirer?"
"Some days, I can't tell the difference."
"Fuck 'em. You get paid to pitch not to make their jobs easier."
"No scandals for a while would be nice."
"Would it be easier if I got the ticket myself?"
"Not at all. Unless you've provided any illegal substance to anyone on my team."
"You're sure? I don't want to give any nosey reporter anything to trace back to you."
"That I'm providing a ticket to one of Canada's finest? If you'd like to be on the screen, I can tell them you're there."
"Hell no. I wouldn't do that to you and it's not good for the kinds of cases I work."
"Of course. But believe me, it won't do anything to me, inviting a friend. If I kiss you, perhaps."
"Good thing they keep you trapped in that dugout."
"In this case, it is."
"Wouldn't a player walking into the stands cause a big scene?"
"Yes, I think that would make it onto the screen."
"Better behave yourself then."
"Hopefully I'll go nine innings on Monday, so I won't have time for my mind to wander."
"I was hoping I'd get to see that no-hitter."
"I'll do my best."
"You pitch nine innings then I won't have to embarrass myself when I don't know any of your relief guys."
"You'll be watching enough games that you'll get to know them, hopefully."
"I've been told if I don't I'm getting tossed out of New York."
Laughs, "I like your coworkers."
"You should meet them before you give them any ringing endorsements."
"They're fans, aren't they?"
"That gives them a free pass?"
"It gives them a boost."
"Oh well, just because they love you doesn't mean they don't make my life hell." He's smiling as he says it though.
Laughs, "But doesn't it help?"
"We'll see if I don't kill them tomorrow."
"I hope not. I don't think we can talk this long if you're in prison."
"I know how to get rid of the bodies. We'll call it a gang hit."
"That sure sounds like an abuse of power."
"Shhh, I would never do anything like that."
"Oh I'm sure of it."
"Mmhmm, are you trying to entrap me into saying something I shouldn't?"
"Not at all. And if I were, it wouldn't be about murder."
"For my own safety, you better tell me what you would try to get me to say."
"But then it would never work getting you to say it."
"Give me a hint about the subject, since we ruled out murder."
"Perhaps baseball."
"I haven't seen you guys in person so I'm saving up all my comments for after the game."
"That's fair. I accept that."
"I'm better at expressing myself when I can use hand gestures."
"I'll remember that."
"I feel handcuffed only getting to use words."
"Oh now that's an image I could take to bed with me."
"Maybe I'll bring those on the third date."
"I hope I warrant a third date."
"Are you seriously the one who is worried about that here?"
"Of course."
"You warranted a third date in that dive we met in and I didn't have a clue what you did for a living."
Pause, "Why?"
"I don't run my mouth that much to strangers, not even when I'm tired. Getting to know a guy who does that to me in five minutes would take at least three dates."
"Thank you. I felt very comfortable with you. When you live my life that's a rarity."
"It's something a smart guy would hold onto. I like to think I'm at least that smart."
"I'm glad you are."
Teasingly, "You better be worth this third date with these late nights you have me keeping."
"My coaches wouldn't be happy to know I was awake this late. But I enjoy talking to you so much."
"So I should worry about them stringing me up if they find out?"
"I'll make sure it doesn't effect my throwing."
"I don't want the city rioting because of me."
"Tomorrow's conversation will have to be shorter, I'm afraid."
"Big day coming up?"
"Wednesday."
"I promise to make sure you get some sleep."
"Thank you."
"Like you should be right now. Dream well, Chris."
"You too. Good night."
"See you tomorrow." Hangs up.
Title: What If?: Strangers in the Night. Chapter Five.
Fandom: National Hockey League, AR.
Characters: Ed Jovanovski, Chris Drury.
Word Count: 3,957.
Rating: PG.
Summary: The best way to finish a bad day.
Author's Notes: This is set on May 11, 2009. The Yankees spent the day traveling between Baltimore and Toronto. A phone call. This is an AR.
Stretches for his phone, having forgotten to leave it close by. Snappish, "Yeah?"
"Uh... hi."
"Oh. Chris?" His tone softens, "Didn't realise it was you."
"Was this a bad time?"
"No. Just had a shit day at the office."
"What happened?"
"Stupid rookie shit. Didn't keep my focus and I let some half-assed kid graze me. He was jonesing for a score and the withdrawals made him stupider than nature already did."
"Graze you?"
"He had a knife, not much more than a piece of crap pocket knife. It just caught me on the side. I'm fine, but pissed that I let it happen in the first place. I also liked that shirt he ruined."
"A knife?!"
"I'm telling you it was a flimsy little thing. We had the guy in cuffs in a minute flat, no big deal."
"Someone cut you with a knife?!"
"Scratched me. He's lucky he chose to jump two cops. We're restrained by the law from kicking the shit out of him."
"Did you need stitches?"
"Couple of butterfly stitches patched me up fine."
"Stitches, plural!"
"They aren't real stitches, they're fancy bandaids out of the first aid kit."
"But still."
"It only stings enough to be a goddamn nuisance."
"Did you go to a doctor?"
"One of the emergency responders checked it out for me. I hate hospitals."
"You should go to the ER."
"I don't need to go to the ER for a fuckin' scratch. I have my tetanus shot."
"It's a cut."
"Don't you get cuts in baseball all the time? Shards of bats flying everywhere."
"Yes, but that's not with a knife."
"It wasn't a 98 mph fastball off the knee either."
"Batters are very touchy about that. But still, you don't know what was on that knife."
"You're worrying about me over there? I promise if I start showing signs of anything unusual I'll suck it up and go to the hospital. I'd be more worried if he bit me."
Sighs, "I don't like the idea of you bleeding."
"Ever since the divorce I've had no one to bully me into going to the hospital. Kirstin was an EMT and wouldn't put up with any shit from me."
"You do now. If you need to go, you should go."
"I don't for this. Really. It's not like I'm oozing all over my bed."
"But if you need to, you promise you will?"
"I promise. I have to be here on Friday and I don't plan on being pumped full of antibiotics in a hospital bed that day."
"Good! Because that's a terrible place for a first date."
"It really wasn't the atmosphere I had in mind."
"No, me either. Other than the assault, how did today go?"
"Besides having to work on my supposed day off? We got a lead we had to jump on or lose and it looks like it will actually help us break the case. The good guys went 2-for-2."
"That's good to hear. I suppose I can't know more than that, right?"
"I'm used to it not being the kind of thing people want to listen to. I don't think I told you exactly what a Canadian is doing in New York to begin with."
"Can you? I would like to hear it."
"I can give you some of the generalizations if not the specifics. I work as a liaison officer through the International Operations Branch of the RCMP. We have mounties stationed all around the world at nearly thirty locations. Like I could be in London right now or New Delhi. As a liaison officer I get to play glorified go between for Canada and my host country. It's important to keep up good relations because without the US' cooperation I have no jurisdiction here, even when the case involves Canada's interests. I get to serve as an intelligence officer and provide support in long-term investigations. I have a bunch of day-to-day office crap that gets thrown in there too like offering training to people. Mostly though I got this job because I specialise in human trafficking, especially where organized crime and sex rings are involved."
"So because you're in New York, it means something of that nature is happening there? I know it's silly, but I never pictured Canada as having anything so horrific."
"JFK is the biggest hub for trafficking in the northeastern US."
"Wow. I never would have imagined."
"Because the shit barely gets processed and hardly is given the resources it should. It's only been the past five years that governments have been passing laws to really go after who is in charge of these operations. It pisses me the fuck off. Canada used to deport victims before we could find out when they came into the country or how. These girls need asylum and counseling, not a plane ticket home. The NYPD has a made a big thing about creating an anti-human trafficking unit, which they've been splashing all over the Times. At least they're smart enough to keep detectives names out of it, but that's who I'm working with at the moment."
"At least they're asking for your help, it sounds like they need it."
"I don't mind training their people in this, because half the time it's attitude. They look at the hooker on the corner and think, 'She's just a prostitute'. They never consider she could be a part of something bigger or maybe she never meant to come here in the first place."
"And you're gaining ground in taking down this ring? The one in New York?"
"We got a big break. Of course one of my team thinks the Feds are going to sweep in now and ruin all our hard work."
"Can you stop that?"
"I can try to pull rank if they do cause any trouble. I do understand where they're coming from. Sometimes a province with its own local police gets twitchy when the RCMP offers to help. It's a different perspective being a member of a national police force, you don't tend to need to piss all over your territory. If somebody else can do it better, fantastic. Putting the bad guys away is the point, right? That's the thing with these kinds of cases, it's a crime against everybody. You can't think it begins or ends at the city line or the county line or even the country line. Canada is acting as a depot in this instance, but next time the US could be the pit stop and they could be dumping the cesspool into our backyard."
"So they're not supposed to mind you coming in and you're not supposed to mind if they take over once you've broken it open?"
"Cracked it open. I mind if I get shoved aside and they're like a bull in a china shop trampling all over my work. If they want to work together fine. Really, it comes down to me wanting their resources to act as the sledge hammer that splits it open. That means I chew off another piece of my tongue and play nice so they'll let me play with their toys."
"How well do you handle that?"
"Better than I did when I was younger. I spent three years working as a liaison officer in Miami and the only reasons I left were being a little homesick and not wanting to dance the political tango. Luckily this time, it's higher up brass than me who will get to battle it out."
"That must be a difficult thing to deal with. If you keep the peace, that's something to be proud of. I know I don't enjoy someone else finishing my games."
"On this one they either work with me or call it off, so I have them by the balls."
"That's a good position to be in."
"Mmhmm. It's not too shabby to be the man holding the ace. Do you wish you could always pitch the full game?"
"Everytime I go out there."
"Why don't they let you?"
"I'm getting older. They don't think I should throw 120 pitches anymore."
"Shouldn't the pitcher always be right?"
Laughs, "I wish that were so."
"I heard you pitcher types can be a little high strung. I would have thought they'd want to keep you happy."
"That's a stereotype."
"You mean those sports radio stations can get things wrong? They aren't the gospel?"
"I'm sorry to ruin the illusion."
"You should sue them."
"We leave that for when they share the big lies."
"Giving people false impressions of pitchers is a pretty big one."
"At least there are no strippers involved."
"But was that actually slander?"
Sighs, "No, but I wish it had been."
"You weren't frequenting those places. I can't picture you getting a lap dance from a girl with fake tits."
"No, thank you. Cone-shaped or otherwise."
"Were there even strippers at your bachelor party?"
"No, there weren't. I'm not a 'stripper' type guy."
"Who was your best man? He's supposed to torture you with that whether you enjoy it or not."
"That was a long time ago."
"So long you can't remember the guy?"
"I'd rather not think about that."
"Oh, history between the two of you. If you ever decide to renew your vows, you could have a second bachelor party done right this time."
Laughs, "If my wife has a wedding ceremony now, I'm not likely to be a part of it."
"You haven't even gotten divorced yet. Isn't that putting the horse before the cart, a bit?"
"Not at all. Considering why she's in LA right now."
"You aren't the only person warming her bed?"
"I am not."
"Huh. Do you miss her when she's out there?"
"I miss the kids, but I'm on the road."
"It's tough when work keeps you apart so often."
"It is. They're growing up fast."
"Any future baseball players among them?"
"My daughter, maybe." Laughs.
"Pitcher right? Or are you open minded enough to let her branch out to another position."
"I always cringe when people ask me that. No, she doesn't want to pitch."
"Well she's young and impressionable still. You can always try brainwashing."
"I tried. Her favourite Uncle is to blame."
"I question your techniques if you weren't successful. Uncle?"
"My teammates. They're all 'Uncle somebody'. I tried to explain the Red Sox connection, but she wasn't moved."
"Your daughter not only refuses to become a pitcher, but now she’s taking after a member of the Red Sox? Or like a former member? Isn't that against the rules in your epic war across time and space with each other?"
"Believe me, I feel the shame acutely."
"This has gotta be Damon, right? Are you forced to invite him over for dinner and watch him corrupt your young in person?"
Sighs, "I would like to see you say no when she bats her eyelashes."
"You just give 'em a puppy instead."
"She has a puppy. She named him after him."
What starts as a snicker turns into a full blown laugh.
"Oh stop that, you!"
Tries to take a breath, but by the time he can finally stop laughing he's wheezing.
Sighs, "I can wait."
"It--it's not Fifi at least?"
"I would rather that! I just thank god she's only five. She can grow out of it."
"You think you'd like something like Fifi until you're shouting down the street after it and your kid insists you use its full name, 'Josephina Grand Princess of the Universe'."
"Is this personal experience I hear you speaking from?"
"Oh yeah. I can't wait to find out what Kylie names her horse."
"At least there's less chance you're calling for horses down the street."
"No, but if she decides to show him, they'll announce it to the whole crowd."
"Ah, well, that must be a very proud moment for the Grand Princess of the Universe."
"It will probably be empress by then."
"Of course it will be. Johnny the Puppy is sounding better and better."
"There are plenty of Johnnys in the world. It can grow into a different one once she gets past this phase."
"As long as she doesn't want to change his name, he won't get an identity complex."
"Neh, that's when you get the second dog and your wife threatens to bring in lawyers."
"I can't not give my son a dog."
"You aren't teaching your kids concepts like communal property?"
Laughs, "You haven't met my daughter."
"Sharing is caring."
"That ship has sailed."
"You can bring her back to port if you put in a good effort now before she gets to middle school."
"I do try. Her other parents spoil her too, though."
"Uh...if I'm being way too fucking nosey tell me to shut up or if my ears are playing tricks on me I apologize now. Parents?"
"Our family is... complicated."
"Isn't that the definition of the modern family? I've been trying not to think about what's going to happen if my kids start calling Shane 'dad'."
"I will admit I am grateful for that. Rob is still Uncle, and I think it will stay that way."
"Do you ever get twitchy about someone else raising your kids?"
"Yes, I do. But Rory makes sure they don't spend more time on that coast than this one during my season. I'm grateful for that."
"They're my kids and someone else is tucking them in at night."
"I understand that feeling very much."
"I..." Takes a breath, "I fucking hate it. I try to be the bigger person you know? March along that high road, do what's best for my kids, but part of me wants to go bash some heads in instead."
"I do know. How much do you get to see them?"
"School breaks for the older two. It's hard getting time off and their stuff to match up sometimes."
"It's hard once they're school age, I would assume. I'm dreading it, to be honest, because I'm sure that means they'll stay in California until July. It's difficult."
"How many years do you have with your boy before you have to worry about that?"
"He turned four in May."
"My sympathies. You get out of the terrible threes and then the school system wants to educate them."
"He never had 'terrible' twos or threes. He's a very well behaved boy."
"How did you manage that?"
"Just lucky."
"You didn't pay anyone off? Switch babies at the hospital?"
"Evidently I was a quiet baby too."
"The mother's curse, huh? May your kids be exactly like you."
"If that's so, I'll have to remember to thank her."
"My mother was always yelling that at me along with, 'And someday your kids will treat you like you treat me'. I don't know what she was talking about, I was a saint."
Laughs, "I'm sure you were."
"You're already doubting my statements?"
"Not at all. I believe you were a perfect son."
"I certainly was better behaved once I decided to join up with the mounties."
"I would think so."
"My friends sure didn't appreciate me telling them I couldn't chance having anything that would ruin my application. But after that mama was still telling me my kids would end up terrors and they certainly had their moments as toddlers."
"From what I understand most normal toddlers have those moments. Dylan did for sure. My boy is just an oddity."
"I still think you paid someone off to make that happen. I want that secret so I can pass it on for Coco and Cole."
"I pray whatever I did do, continues with our new baby. If it does, I'll pass along the tips."
"Seriously, music, special food, whatever you did."
Laughs, "I'll take notes."
"You could patent whatever it is and market it to other families."
"I could quit baseball with that income."
"If the lifestyle ever gets to dull for you it would provide a nice retirement."
"A nice retirement has crossed my mind more than once."
"How many years you got in? Do they give you a pin at 15 or 20?"
"Twelve now. I'm told fifteen is a benchmark."
"Do you get something special for it?"
"I hope not."
"You don't want one of those cute ceremonies where everybody pats you on the back?"
Sighs, "I hate those. Leave them for the guys that want the spotlight."
"Oh yeah, you're Mr. I don't do strippers. You probably hate any kind of party they want to throw you, right?"
"I do. I thankfully talked them out of it after that one-hitter last year. I told them if I threw a no hitter, they could have an event."
"An event sounds very open ended. Are you sure you want to give them that much power?"
"I'll be so happy to have thrown one, that yes."
"You'll be too happy to complain, I see. Bet that's an event to see."
"Baseball-wise, it's happened three times in my career."
"You being that happy?"
"Yes, being so happy I didn't mind the parties or the attention."
"What did it take?"
"Winning the World Series."
"Ah, I guess that was a pretty stupid question. You're a team player, it wouldn't have been some individual accomplishment."
"They're nice, but it's nothing even close to the team winning."
"I'd like to see you that excited and happy."
"I would be glad to show you late this October."
"Luckily, I don't have plans to be anywhere, but New York."
"That is very lucky. I'll make sure you have a good seat."
"Like on Friday? I already made sure that'll be my paperwork day."
"Thank you. I'd hate to think about you fending off knives before a game."
"I was more worried about being stuck taking interviews and missing it."
"Taking interviews?"
"Knives are quick. You cuff the guy, you bring him in, toss him in the cage, fill out an incident report and bang out the rest of the forms later. If you have to talk to witnesses for a case, you could get stuck doing that for hours."
"Knives are also dangerous."
"Which is why I'm going to be sitting at my desk all day, writing e-mails, answering the phone with nothing to stop me from punching out on time."
"I like the sound of that very much.
"Pray there aren't any diplomatic incidents involving the RCMP and we're home free."
"I will add that to things I pray for now."
"Every little bit helps."
"I'd like to think so."
"Same time tomorrow?"
"Yes or hereabouts. I enjoy this habit."
"I'm glad I was here to oblige."
"I hope I didn't bore you too much."
"Boring? Chris, you are definitely not boring. Intriguing, fascinating, not boring."
"Thank you. I'm told I don't give interesting soundbites."
"I hope you don't talk to the press like that or I'll be fighting off the line at your door."
Laughs, "No, I promise you, I've never talked to the press this much in my life."
"With what you'd draw, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to compete."
"If all these compliments go to my head, it'll be your fault."
"Little ego boost is good for you, especially when it's true. I have to combat those reporters who think you're boring."
"I like to talk about baseball with them, and nothing else, and they don't appreciate that."
"Are they working for ESPN or the Enquirer?"
"Some days, I can't tell the difference."
"Fuck 'em. You get paid to pitch not to make their jobs easier."
"No scandals for a while would be nice."
"Would it be easier if I got the ticket myself?"
"Not at all. Unless you've provided any illegal substance to anyone on my team."
"You're sure? I don't want to give any nosey reporter anything to trace back to you."
"That I'm providing a ticket to one of Canada's finest? If you'd like to be on the screen, I can tell them you're there."
"Hell no. I wouldn't do that to you and it's not good for the kinds of cases I work."
"Of course. But believe me, it won't do anything to me, inviting a friend. If I kiss you, perhaps."
"Good thing they keep you trapped in that dugout."
"In this case, it is."
"Wouldn't a player walking into the stands cause a big scene?"
"Yes, I think that would make it onto the screen."
"Better behave yourself then."
"Hopefully I'll go nine innings on Monday, so I won't have time for my mind to wander."
"I was hoping I'd get to see that no-hitter."
"I'll do my best."
"You pitch nine innings then I won't have to embarrass myself when I don't know any of your relief guys."
"You'll be watching enough games that you'll get to know them, hopefully."
"I've been told if I don't I'm getting tossed out of New York."
Laughs, "I like your coworkers."
"You should meet them before you give them any ringing endorsements."
"They're fans, aren't they?"
"That gives them a free pass?"
"It gives them a boost."
"Oh well, just because they love you doesn't mean they don't make my life hell." He's smiling as he says it though.
Laughs, "But doesn't it help?"
"We'll see if I don't kill them tomorrow."
"I hope not. I don't think we can talk this long if you're in prison."
"I know how to get rid of the bodies. We'll call it a gang hit."
"That sure sounds like an abuse of power."
"Shhh, I would never do anything like that."
"Oh I'm sure of it."
"Mmhmm, are you trying to entrap me into saying something I shouldn't?"
"Not at all. And if I were, it wouldn't be about murder."
"For my own safety, you better tell me what you would try to get me to say."
"But then it would never work getting you to say it."
"Give me a hint about the subject, since we ruled out murder."
"Perhaps baseball."
"I haven't seen you guys in person so I'm saving up all my comments for after the game."
"That's fair. I accept that."
"I'm better at expressing myself when I can use hand gestures."
"I'll remember that."
"I feel handcuffed only getting to use words."
"Oh now that's an image I could take to bed with me."
"Maybe I'll bring those on the third date."
"I hope I warrant a third date."
"Are you seriously the one who is worried about that here?"
"Of course."
"You warranted a third date in that dive we met in and I didn't have a clue what you did for a living."
Pause, "Why?"
"I don't run my mouth that much to strangers, not even when I'm tired. Getting to know a guy who does that to me in five minutes would take at least three dates."
"Thank you. I felt very comfortable with you. When you live my life that's a rarity."
"It's something a smart guy would hold onto. I like to think I'm at least that smart."
"I'm glad you are."
Teasingly, "You better be worth this third date with these late nights you have me keeping."
"My coaches wouldn't be happy to know I was awake this late. But I enjoy talking to you so much."
"So I should worry about them stringing me up if they find out?"
"I'll make sure it doesn't effect my throwing."
"I don't want the city rioting because of me."
"Tomorrow's conversation will have to be shorter, I'm afraid."
"Big day coming up?"
"Wednesday."
"I promise to make sure you get some sleep."
"Thank you."
"Like you should be right now. Dream well, Chris."
"You too. Good night."
"See you tomorrow." Hangs up.