Dungeon and Dragons Movie
What a horrid movie. I only came in right as one of the villains killed one of the main characters--named Snails--but I honestly don't know why I stayed for the rest. It was bad.
You have Forgettable Hero and his rag-tag party. I don't even know their names. All I know was that they were ridiculous. The elf could've killed someone with her chest; her breastplate was that pointy. The dwarf was laughably stupid. (Actually "laughable" is giving it too much credit. It wasn't funny at all. Just cheesy.) He had a fire-red beard so fake that it looked like they glued a wig to his face, and the only dialogue I heard out of him were stupid looks and grunts. And then there's the magic-using girl who's so obviously the love interest of the boy who hates all mages (and for almost no reason at all).
The acting was horrible. Jeremy Irons is a wonderful actor with performances under his belt such as The Lion King and Die Hard and The Man in the Iron Mask, but here the wild gesticulating and dialogue just made me want to blech. And it wasn't just him! Empress No-Personality and Forgettable Hero were so wooden, it hurt! It makes me wonder if it was just some personal lapse or if the director told them to act like that. It was so bad!
Now, I'm not a DnD guru, but I know enough to know that this had very little to do with DnD at all. There were dragons, yes, and thieves and mages, but at least pretend you're drawing from DnD source materials. This was just a swords and sorcery movie with the DnD name tacked on (kinda like Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, but at least that was a half-decent movie). If I were a DnD guru, I would've been embarrassed by this movie.
I think the only "bad-ass" moment was during the final battle. All the mages are gathered in the tower fending off some dragons sent by the Empress (now why is she attacking the city, again? But I swear, all these defenders are incompetents without someone (Irons) yelling and screaming at them to do something--anything!) But anyway, the tower's about to be hit by a fireball, and Irons throws up this ice shield that made me go, "Oh, that was cool." And then I lapsed back into my disinterested state.
I know I can only go so deep since I saw just the last quarter of it, but that left me no desire to see the movie from the beginning. Let me just spoil the ending for you. That the villains die is a given. Forgettable Hero is going to be knighted (or something or other) by the Empress for saving the realm, but first he and his party visit the grave of their friend. He says his goodbyes, "something magical" happens, elf-girl says something pseudo-profound, and they all fly off in trails of light. The end.
W.
T.
F.
The end?! Where are you going? Aren't you supposed to be knighted or something?
I can't believe I wasted my time on this. Don't waste yours. Don't see this movie. Wooden characters. A predicable plot. Non-sequitor scenes and action sequences. The dialogue and acting are atrocious. The special effects are bad.
Final score: 1.5/10.
You have Forgettable Hero and his rag-tag party. I don't even know their names. All I know was that they were ridiculous. The elf could've killed someone with her chest; her breastplate was that pointy. The dwarf was laughably stupid. (Actually "laughable" is giving it too much credit. It wasn't funny at all. Just cheesy.) He had a fire-red beard so fake that it looked like they glued a wig to his face, and the only dialogue I heard out of him were stupid looks and grunts. And then there's the magic-using girl who's so obviously the love interest of the boy who hates all mages (and for almost no reason at all).
The acting was horrible. Jeremy Irons is a wonderful actor with performances under his belt such as The Lion King and Die Hard and The Man in the Iron Mask, but here the wild gesticulating and dialogue just made me want to blech. And it wasn't just him! Empress No-Personality and Forgettable Hero were so wooden, it hurt! It makes me wonder if it was just some personal lapse or if the director told them to act like that. It was so bad!
Now, I'm not a DnD guru, but I know enough to know that this had very little to do with DnD at all. There were dragons, yes, and thieves and mages, but at least pretend you're drawing from DnD source materials. This was just a swords and sorcery movie with the DnD name tacked on (kinda like Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, but at least that was a half-decent movie). If I were a DnD guru, I would've been embarrassed by this movie.
I think the only "bad-ass" moment was during the final battle. All the mages are gathered in the tower fending off some dragons sent by the Empress (now why is she attacking the city, again? But I swear, all these defenders are incompetents without someone (Irons) yelling and screaming at them to do something--anything!) But anyway, the tower's about to be hit by a fireball, and Irons throws up this ice shield that made me go, "Oh, that was cool." And then I lapsed back into my disinterested state.
I know I can only go so deep since I saw just the last quarter of it, but that left me no desire to see the movie from the beginning. Let me just spoil the ending for you. That the villains die is a given. Forgettable Hero is going to be knighted (or something or other) by the Empress for saving the realm, but first he and his party visit the grave of their friend. He says his goodbyes, "something magical" happens, elf-girl says something pseudo-profound, and they all fly off in trails of light. The end.
W.
T.
F.
The end?! Where are you going? Aren't you supposed to be knighted or something?
I can't believe I wasted my time on this. Don't waste yours. Don't see this movie. Wooden characters. A predicable plot. Non-sequitor scenes and action sequences. The dialogue and acting are atrocious. The special effects are bad.
Final score: 1.5/10.