blaugh
So I feel like hell today. I just didn't sleep very well I guess.
So far things have been very unproductive since my return. I should be busting out a submission for a conference right now (that I was going to do last night and didn't), but instead I'm writing this. I guess I'm just in one of those moods where I feel like I need to do this before I can move on to my work.
I've been a little annoyed as of late. I just feel like I'm being inundated on all sides that I should drive instead of fly. Yet, I'm the one that has to pay (well, unless I go to gso, and then Jermaine helps) and more importantly, I'm the one that has to stay awake on the road. It's much more dangerous for me to drive than to fly. I guess I really spoiled my family by the years of 12+ hour drives by myself. YES, I can effectively drive all of that, on my own withouth problems, BUT I JUST DON"T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE. It's so exhausting. I need a day to recupperate after each drive, and I just can't afford that anymore. Why don't people get that? I need to be able to work when I get back. I just feel like I can't please anyone.
They worry more when I'm on a plane than when I'm on the road. "That's very expensive, isn't it?" "What if something goes wrong?" "Don't you get tired of flying?" If my car didn't have 195xxx miles right now, I'd drive more, but the 200xxx is qickly approaching and it scares me. I really just don't know how much my car has left in it. And there is absolutely NO WAY that I can afford any semblance of a new car. Plane tickets are cheaper than car payments and insurance on new cars. And the driving just exhausts me.
I'm kind of agitated with my family because I always have to go see them. They never come see me. They didn't come see me last summer because they couldn't afford to drive because they redid the bathroom. Let me repeat that: they couldn't afford to DRIVE?!!?!?! Sure they have to pay for hotels, but still. Y'know, they say they can't afford to drive to see me, and then complain when I want to fly because I don't want to do the drive alone anymore. I have really been contemplating just not going home. No one thinks that maybe I can't really afford the drive either. I mean, dad has been having serious back problems that would make it really hard for him to do the drive -- that's fine, by all means, I understand the pain of doing the drive. They seem to think I'm so much closer now than before, but I'm not. I've shaved off 2 or 3 hours. It's still a 10 hour drive. I'm still a complete zombie when I walk through the door. Even if I have to sit in an airport for a 3 hour layover, I can get something done. When I fly, I can do work on the plane and in the airport. When I drive, I'm shot.
I guess this wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't feel like the people who expect me to have unlimited energy had unlimited energy themselves. But it's far from it. You'd think that people who are always exhausted and tired from work would be sympathetic when I say that I can't handle the drive this time. You'd think that someone who would need 2 days to make the trip would understand what a waste of time driving is. I really just want to call home right now and yell, but everyone is at work there. And you'd think that if someone were concerned with how expensive it is for me, that they'd try to help me out, but no. Yes, it is absolutely cheaper for me to visit them than for them to visit me. But they're not helping out with getting me home, so why the fuck should they care? And then there is the nerve to say "why don't you come home more often?" I'm just really sick of it. I am really, seriously, considering not going home for Christmas, just to get my point across. Unfortunately, that's not really an option because I have to get fitted for my dress for the wedding.
I'm just so frustrated. I don't know what to do. I've had this conversation with my mom before and I'm tired of having it again.