Life on the west side...
It's a tough adjustment, thats for sure. I suppose that there are many different psochological "ism's" that come from moving back to your home town, and I can safely say that I suffer from quite a few. Just driving around Burien conjures up old memories, some pleasent, some not so pleasent.
Back at school I felt like I had it all. Good friends, good times, and plenty of money to go around. I felt like the world was my oyster. I had no fear of what was to come because, from my zen-like state that I had going for me towards the end of college, nothing could bring me down. There is no reason to worry about anything because, one way or another, everything works itself out. I was consciously bringing myself into a state of fluidness. To approach the world with the properties of water, letting the course of events steer me in a direction and constantly moving and being active. This is still my goal: Not to be bothered by the restrictions of life, gain fun and exciting experiences, stick to my principles, and want for nothing.
Didn't really pan out, it seems.
Being back at home is nice, a great stepping stone for sure, but I can't help finding myself thinking about petty things. Such as why do I have this feeling of being afraid to run into old friends? Is it because I am fearful that they will be "doing better than me"? That doesn't seem right. Or could it be that I don't want to restart any old friendships that could be akward now? Maybe, but it's no reason to want to avoid people.
Also I feel that when I see places that remind me of past events, my thoughts always stray towards "should-haves" and "what-ifs". I hate that. I don't want to think that way about anything. There is no reason to.
Tese thoughts could just be spurred by the fact that I haven't done anything yet. I'm still waiting to hear back from Burien Toyota on wether I have a job. Unemployment. It's a pretty new concept for me. I'm not saying that to boast, it's that I don't have anything to do during the day. And therin lies the biggest problem of all.
I have always admired my friends for being a pretty eclectic and intelligent group of people, and I am very happy to feel welcomed into their ranks. The past few weeks however have brought many a relizations to light. As I am sure anyone who is leaving college would do, I have been feeling very nostalgic for my time at Central, and while school wound down for the last time and I found myself with less and less to do during the day, my observations that usually are projected to the world around me turned inward. I began to feel an interesting and maddening sensation greatly amplified in comparison to graduating from high school: That I had, for the most part, wasted my college experience.
This was supposed to be a time in which a person discovers what he enjoys and is talented at. However when I think about just what it is that I enjoy and am talented at, I draw a blank. It is stupid and irrational to think so, but I can't shake the feeling that I am somehow behind the curve, a late bloomer, an unpassionate person. Also, I have found myself feeling jealousy of my friends for having activities and dreams that are interesting and unique. Corey and Mike have their love of music and are doing their best to become professional musicians, Jay has talents and connections in the feild of filming and soundwork and has aspirations to make documetaries on his religious studies. Grant Bridget and Kasey all have plans to continue their education in different specific feilds of the law and politics and psychology. The list goes on and on. Hell, I am even jealous of Byron's aspireations to structure his life around a family. It's not something I would ever think about doing myself, but dammit, he knows what he wants out of life just as it seems all of my other friends do. It makes me feel like Edward Norton in The Italian Job, the guy who doesn't have any ideas of his own and just buys everyone else's dreams.
Perhaps my notion of being like water is a double edged sword. Constantly changing directions when the slightest bit of opposition is set in my path to the point in which I begin to swirl around in place, sucking myself down into a whirlpool of my own complacency.
Ah, it's not that bad. I get the feeling that I am having the same sensations that just about everyone feels when they leave college. These feelings of getting a late start on what I want to do with my life is probably nothing out of the ordinary, just the usual jitters of a post graduate attemting to find a niche in life that he can enjoy, a small corner of the rat race to call his own. Then again, there it is: Just another classic, uninteresting case to come along.
I'll be fine. Its all a matter of getting out there, finding that first job that will perhaps lead me to another opportunity, a better opportunity that I haven't even considered yet. Just keep moving foreward and opportunity will present itself, steering you in the path that you are supposed to travel upon.
Hm... Not unlike water.
Back at school I felt like I had it all. Good friends, good times, and plenty of money to go around. I felt like the world was my oyster. I had no fear of what was to come because, from my zen-like state that I had going for me towards the end of college, nothing could bring me down. There is no reason to worry about anything because, one way or another, everything works itself out. I was consciously bringing myself into a state of fluidness. To approach the world with the properties of water, letting the course of events steer me in a direction and constantly moving and being active. This is still my goal: Not to be bothered by the restrictions of life, gain fun and exciting experiences, stick to my principles, and want for nothing.
Didn't really pan out, it seems.
Being back at home is nice, a great stepping stone for sure, but I can't help finding myself thinking about petty things. Such as why do I have this feeling of being afraid to run into old friends? Is it because I am fearful that they will be "doing better than me"? That doesn't seem right. Or could it be that I don't want to restart any old friendships that could be akward now? Maybe, but it's no reason to want to avoid people.
Also I feel that when I see places that remind me of past events, my thoughts always stray towards "should-haves" and "what-ifs". I hate that. I don't want to think that way about anything. There is no reason to.
Tese thoughts could just be spurred by the fact that I haven't done anything yet. I'm still waiting to hear back from Burien Toyota on wether I have a job. Unemployment. It's a pretty new concept for me. I'm not saying that to boast, it's that I don't have anything to do during the day. And therin lies the biggest problem of all.
I have always admired my friends for being a pretty eclectic and intelligent group of people, and I am very happy to feel welcomed into their ranks. The past few weeks however have brought many a relizations to light. As I am sure anyone who is leaving college would do, I have been feeling very nostalgic for my time at Central, and while school wound down for the last time and I found myself with less and less to do during the day, my observations that usually are projected to the world around me turned inward. I began to feel an interesting and maddening sensation greatly amplified in comparison to graduating from high school: That I had, for the most part, wasted my college experience.
This was supposed to be a time in which a person discovers what he enjoys and is talented at. However when I think about just what it is that I enjoy and am talented at, I draw a blank. It is stupid and irrational to think so, but I can't shake the feeling that I am somehow behind the curve, a late bloomer, an unpassionate person. Also, I have found myself feeling jealousy of my friends for having activities and dreams that are interesting and unique. Corey and Mike have their love of music and are doing their best to become professional musicians, Jay has talents and connections in the feild of filming and soundwork and has aspirations to make documetaries on his religious studies. Grant Bridget and Kasey all have plans to continue their education in different specific feilds of the law and politics and psychology. The list goes on and on. Hell, I am even jealous of Byron's aspireations to structure his life around a family. It's not something I would ever think about doing myself, but dammit, he knows what he wants out of life just as it seems all of my other friends do. It makes me feel like Edward Norton in The Italian Job, the guy who doesn't have any ideas of his own and just buys everyone else's dreams.
Perhaps my notion of being like water is a double edged sword. Constantly changing directions when the slightest bit of opposition is set in my path to the point in which I begin to swirl around in place, sucking myself down into a whirlpool of my own complacency.
Ah, it's not that bad. I get the feeling that I am having the same sensations that just about everyone feels when they leave college. These feelings of getting a late start on what I want to do with my life is probably nothing out of the ordinary, just the usual jitters of a post graduate attemting to find a niche in life that he can enjoy, a small corner of the rat race to call his own. Then again, there it is: Just another classic, uninteresting case to come along.
I'll be fine. Its all a matter of getting out there, finding that first job that will perhaps lead me to another opportunity, a better opportunity that I haven't even considered yet. Just keep moving foreward and opportunity will present itself, steering you in the path that you are supposed to travel upon.
Hm... Not unlike water.