You are flesh and blood and you are my memory
I can only say that things got stranger this past week. Honestly, I am just not sure that anything I am doing right now is good for me or the people involved. Mostly, I am just numb and stubbling through.
The Highschool Sweetheart is moving back to Maine with her son due to the abuse that occured her at the local autism school. It really was the best choice. She is taking about 6 months to a year to get it together and get him the therapy he needs. She also confided that she has fallen in love with me from the time we have spent recently. I honestly can say that love is beyond me now.
The Stylist is not subtle in the fact that she want whatever we are doing to be on a more serious level. I have said time and time again that there is a line I will not cross. I will not sleep with ANYONE until I feel like there is ONLY one I would sleep with.
The Other is trying to work out her issues. I have stated time and time again that I should be no bearing on the things in her head. How can I effect another when I can not heal myself? Yet I am astounded by her intellect. A rare feat.
My one upside was I-Bar with the student. She IM'd me after I got back from the highschool sweetheart and asked if I wanted to join her and her friends. I was in no shape to drive since I had already taken my painkiller, so she picked me up on the way. Very good time, despite the two whackadoo chicks that hit on me. One didn't even tell me her name as she tried to kiss me. The other sent her friend, and honestly she was so drunk I doubt she realized I was a girl. Fended off a drunk Irish dude trying to pick up the student. Now I have seen first hand the older guys that try to pick up on her. HEHEHHEHE
And then there is you. You are the one haunting me and the one I can do nothing about. I am moody and distant. You would be to if a ghost was ricocheting around your head. I know, we are where we are with little hope of our situation changing. What I am finally getting is that it will never. And while I was dealing with the grief of losing you and not being able to have you as that partner/equal/best friend, this new shade of grief is that fact that it will never happen.
Part of me wants to scream and damn you for that because it would be so much easier for me to say that you are keeping this from working. But it would just be bitter angry words spewing forth without the substance needed. What I really want to say is this. "If we hurt so much and lean so much and are drawn, why are we every where else and our energies on every one else?"
And yes this would be why I am emotionally unavailable. I need to have some sort of salve.
The Highschool Sweetheart is moving back to Maine with her son due to the abuse that occured her at the local autism school. It really was the best choice. She is taking about 6 months to a year to get it together and get him the therapy he needs. She also confided that she has fallen in love with me from the time we have spent recently. I honestly can say that love is beyond me now.
The Stylist is not subtle in the fact that she want whatever we are doing to be on a more serious level. I have said time and time again that there is a line I will not cross. I will not sleep with ANYONE until I feel like there is ONLY one I would sleep with.
The Other is trying to work out her issues. I have stated time and time again that I should be no bearing on the things in her head. How can I effect another when I can not heal myself? Yet I am astounded by her intellect. A rare feat.
My one upside was I-Bar with the student. She IM'd me after I got back from the highschool sweetheart and asked if I wanted to join her and her friends. I was in no shape to drive since I had already taken my painkiller, so she picked me up on the way. Very good time, despite the two whackadoo chicks that hit on me. One didn't even tell me her name as she tried to kiss me. The other sent her friend, and honestly she was so drunk I doubt she realized I was a girl. Fended off a drunk Irish dude trying to pick up the student. Now I have seen first hand the older guys that try to pick up on her. HEHEHHEHE
And then there is you. You are the one haunting me and the one I can do nothing about. I am moody and distant. You would be to if a ghost was ricocheting around your head. I know, we are where we are with little hope of our situation changing. What I am finally getting is that it will never. And while I was dealing with the grief of losing you and not being able to have you as that partner/equal/best friend, this new shade of grief is that fact that it will never happen.
Part of me wants to scream and damn you for that because it would be so much easier for me to say that you are keeping this from working. But it would just be bitter angry words spewing forth without the substance needed. What I really want to say is this. "If we hurt so much and lean so much and are drawn, why are we every where else and our energies on every one else?"
And yes this would be why I am emotionally unavailable. I need to have some sort of salve.