dreams and death and marking thereof
she finally showed up in a dream as herself rather than off camera someone something to manage.
when i took out a computer to write i distracted myself with emails and so it is already fading
there was time sitting with her somewhere, curtis at some point had popped past, and he was dressed for halloween, maybe. or at least with a cowl or something. showing her something re an android phone.
I'd been organizing some thing where something was going to happen on the mall and I was up near Archives, waiting. Had told people that was where I'd be. And then Mom was up for joining but I didn't know what I could do with the car. And I was so surprised Mom was up for joining. And somewhere in there I realized I could have bailed on that thing I was organizing and picked her up and watched fireworks from my roof, having parked in the garage. I don't know that it was always supposed to be fireworks in the dream, i think it was originally a show or rally.
Too much fades.
I'd been up in the night a few times, with rejoining sleep difficult. Thinking about things I had known needed to happen but life would distract and they never did. Thinking about what might have gone differently if, say, the valve had started to go south in a facility where everybody walked somewhere to get to dinner. It's 6 months out now, and I still keep forgetting she's gone.
It would have been nice, in the dream, to have fetched her, let her be with me and my friends. Old habits, probably good ones at the time -- my friends don't know her because I kept a buffer between her and them. I could have let her know them without giving her contact information, though, perhaps. Then I'd have shared stories to return to.
I went to a shiva call on Monday. Horrifying thing. Did I write about dancing at Maplewood for New Years? I'd learned of it back in July and decided it was fitting to be where my grandmother lived out the end of her life*. Roger and I joined as extra dancers to seed the dance floor and dance with mostly ladies; there were supposed to be another 5 guys from his fire department, who didn't show, so Ellen and I did far more leading than following. It went well despite the lack of promised people. It was not as painful as I feared; things would certainly have gone differently for mom if she'd moved into Grandma's apartment after Grandma died, but she would have been on the young side, and she had had her run ins with maplewood while manic. I did hope to get her into an independent living arrangement; starting somewhere with assisted and PT was probably how that would have worked best. But I didn't understand that PT can come to the patient.
But I digress. A few hours after we all left Maplewood (I made it up to NYE at Tom and Barb's at 11:59:46, having left the car in an illegal space on the circle and run in) Roger got the call about his nephew. 15 years old, shining, brilliant, bipolar, and jumped off the pedestrian bridge near maplewood onto the middle lane of the outer loop. There's really no hope from that. Listening to him tell me of this on Monday night, how his friends ran after him when he ran to the bridge and tried to talk him down, I think of the friends and how they are taking it. Just now, writing, I wonder if there was a driver.
The house was packed on Monday. Many young people were wearing bow ties; Noah had learned to tie a bow tie from Roger, then later had asked for Roger's ties since he didnt' wear them, and wore bow ties to school every day. I commented that getting away with that speaks to how popular he must have been. "well he didn't care what people thought." Yeah, but he also didn't catch hell for it. In any case, Walter Johnson high school, on the first day back from break, was full of bow ties. One girl said "everybody" was wearing one, and that might be so - she showed pictures of the leadership group, the concert choir, and bunches of others. Kid played 3 instruments, and the self portraits up on the wall were lovely. When I later met the dad, I told him I knew Roger, and that the sheer numbers of people here are testament to how loved Noah was.
A rabbi came from Beth Ami for minyan. Everything in the book was transliterated, and there were many english bits in the short service. It was a comforting service. I'd ended up perched on the edge of the couch, later finding out it was the grandmother whose book I was looking at (at some point I had told her not to try to angle it for me) and hence was directly across from the parents. Seeing them holding one another - it nearly brought tears. The dog was remarkably not freaked out, and went to them.
Roger had been one of 7 people who spoke at the funeral on Sunday. The fire department had come, since Noah's brother also volunteers with them. When asked, the rabbi figured that the configuration they'd put the sanctuary and expansion in could seat 600 so he figured 700 had been there. The family is set for food through February.
This whole last part, presuming I post to LJ, has been an odd digression. There is reason I went here, possibly just because it was on my mind, but possibly because I still have to figure out what I'm doing for a memorial. And what scares me is how few people might be there. I need to figure out how to force myself back into trying to reach people...
And I probably need to get off the computer, too.
* i am thinking to write a note to the lady i met who has her apartment -- she'd made a comment about spooky and grandma's ghost; perhaps telling her that Grandma had spent a while in Nursing downstairs before she died would be a help.
when i took out a computer to write i distracted myself with emails and so it is already fading
there was time sitting with her somewhere, curtis at some point had popped past, and he was dressed for halloween, maybe. or at least with a cowl or something. showing her something re an android phone.
I'd been organizing some thing where something was going to happen on the mall and I was up near Archives, waiting. Had told people that was where I'd be. And then Mom was up for joining but I didn't know what I could do with the car. And I was so surprised Mom was up for joining. And somewhere in there I realized I could have bailed on that thing I was organizing and picked her up and watched fireworks from my roof, having parked in the garage. I don't know that it was always supposed to be fireworks in the dream, i think it was originally a show or rally.
Too much fades.
I'd been up in the night a few times, with rejoining sleep difficult. Thinking about things I had known needed to happen but life would distract and they never did. Thinking about what might have gone differently if, say, the valve had started to go south in a facility where everybody walked somewhere to get to dinner. It's 6 months out now, and I still keep forgetting she's gone.
It would have been nice, in the dream, to have fetched her, let her be with me and my friends. Old habits, probably good ones at the time -- my friends don't know her because I kept a buffer between her and them. I could have let her know them without giving her contact information, though, perhaps. Then I'd have shared stories to return to.
I went to a shiva call on Monday. Horrifying thing. Did I write about dancing at Maplewood for New Years? I'd learned of it back in July and decided it was fitting to be where my grandmother lived out the end of her life*. Roger and I joined as extra dancers to seed the dance floor and dance with mostly ladies; there were supposed to be another 5 guys from his fire department, who didn't show, so Ellen and I did far more leading than following. It went well despite the lack of promised people. It was not as painful as I feared; things would certainly have gone differently for mom if she'd moved into Grandma's apartment after Grandma died, but she would have been on the young side, and she had had her run ins with maplewood while manic. I did hope to get her into an independent living arrangement; starting somewhere with assisted and PT was probably how that would have worked best. But I didn't understand that PT can come to the patient.
But I digress. A few hours after we all left Maplewood (I made it up to NYE at Tom and Barb's at 11:59:46, having left the car in an illegal space on the circle and run in) Roger got the call about his nephew. 15 years old, shining, brilliant, bipolar, and jumped off the pedestrian bridge near maplewood onto the middle lane of the outer loop. There's really no hope from that. Listening to him tell me of this on Monday night, how his friends ran after him when he ran to the bridge and tried to talk him down, I think of the friends and how they are taking it. Just now, writing, I wonder if there was a driver.
The house was packed on Monday. Many young people were wearing bow ties; Noah had learned to tie a bow tie from Roger, then later had asked for Roger's ties since he didnt' wear them, and wore bow ties to school every day. I commented that getting away with that speaks to how popular he must have been. "well he didn't care what people thought." Yeah, but he also didn't catch hell for it. In any case, Walter Johnson high school, on the first day back from break, was full of bow ties. One girl said "everybody" was wearing one, and that might be so - she showed pictures of the leadership group, the concert choir, and bunches of others. Kid played 3 instruments, and the self portraits up on the wall were lovely. When I later met the dad, I told him I knew Roger, and that the sheer numbers of people here are testament to how loved Noah was.
A rabbi came from Beth Ami for minyan. Everything in the book was transliterated, and there were many english bits in the short service. It was a comforting service. I'd ended up perched on the edge of the couch, later finding out it was the grandmother whose book I was looking at (at some point I had told her not to try to angle it for me) and hence was directly across from the parents. Seeing them holding one another - it nearly brought tears. The dog was remarkably not freaked out, and went to them.
Roger had been one of 7 people who spoke at the funeral on Sunday. The fire department had come, since Noah's brother also volunteers with them. When asked, the rabbi figured that the configuration they'd put the sanctuary and expansion in could seat 600 so he figured 700 had been there. The family is set for food through February.
This whole last part, presuming I post to LJ, has been an odd digression. There is reason I went here, possibly just because it was on my mind, but possibly because I still have to figure out what I'm doing for a memorial. And what scares me is how few people might be there. I need to figure out how to force myself back into trying to reach people...
And I probably need to get off the computer, too.
* i am thinking to write a note to the lady i met who has her apartment -- she'd made a comment about spooky and grandma's ghost; perhaps telling her that Grandma had spent a while in Nursing downstairs before she died would be a help.