"But you, gird up your loins..."
I doing this self-guided Lenten retreat for Loyola, so for the next five weeks or so, my thoughts on the readings and prayers are going to be mixed in with my usual rantings and ramblings.
Today, the reading was from the first chapter of Jeremiah (my new favorite verse is the subject of this entry) and it's when God calls Jeremiah to be a prophet and speak to the kings and priests of Judah, warning them that unless they come back to God, the Babylonians will have God's permission to invade. Jeremiah, although, when he found this out was scared because he was "only a boy" and not old enough to go about this serious business, but God said he would protect him. For the remainder of the book of Jeremiah, he still remains unsure of God and barely hangs on to his call.
Have I ever backed away from a call? Have I ever been called to do something and said no because I was too scared (or too lazy or too tired or too busy)? I'm sure I have. And by called, I don't mean asked to do something but genuinely felt some pull inside me to do it. Or have I ever ignored that feeling because it doesn't align with what I want?
The one example I can think of is going to Valpo. I'm not sure if I was "called" there, but it seems that everyone else thought it was where I belonged. However, it wasn't where I wanted to belong but I somehow decided to go. Like, I just literally decided to go there and let go of the fight to go to Kenyon. I don't know what pressed me to do it, except the Christmas meeting in Lincoln Park where I met a bunch of New Trier kids (who I know go to school with anyway) but I'm not sure that has entirely enough force to change my mind.
Regardless, I went and I, obviously, left. What was the purpose of that? I think that sometimes to find God's "calling" to you, you need to suffer and struggle. You need to cry and hurt and be angry and scared. And I was all of those things. I was hurting even when I didn't admit it to myself, but everyone else knew. I was angry about things I never even understood. I struggled to get through the semester, even on the "good" days, and I suffered like I never have before at the beginning of second semester. And when I came home, I didn't come home to happiness. I was scared because I didn't know what was wrong with me or what was going to happen to me. I was forced to face things I never faced before. I had to ask for help-- something I never did before.
But it made me stronger. And it made me understand myself, and who I am in comparison to the world around me. I lost a lot of friends, but the ones I gained I know are far better. Had I not gone to Valpo, there would have been a lot of people I wouldn't have met. Had I not left, I never would have met some of my closest friends that I have right now through work. I wouldn't have met the people at Loyola. I probably wouldn't have had a shot at getting into an Ivy League grad school and there's a good chance I wouldn't be studying something I really loved. So, because of all this, and things I'm probably forgetting, was I called to this experience? And if I was, how am I supposed to use this in developing my vocation?
What is God calling me to do now? Where am I going? What am I doing? How am I going to get there?
And will I even make it through?
Today, the reading was from the first chapter of Jeremiah (my new favorite verse is the subject of this entry) and it's when God calls Jeremiah to be a prophet and speak to the kings and priests of Judah, warning them that unless they come back to God, the Babylonians will have God's permission to invade. Jeremiah, although, when he found this out was scared because he was "only a boy" and not old enough to go about this serious business, but God said he would protect him. For the remainder of the book of Jeremiah, he still remains unsure of God and barely hangs on to his call.
Have I ever backed away from a call? Have I ever been called to do something and said no because I was too scared (or too lazy or too tired or too busy)? I'm sure I have. And by called, I don't mean asked to do something but genuinely felt some pull inside me to do it. Or have I ever ignored that feeling because it doesn't align with what I want?
The one example I can think of is going to Valpo. I'm not sure if I was "called" there, but it seems that everyone else thought it was where I belonged. However, it wasn't where I wanted to belong but I somehow decided to go. Like, I just literally decided to go there and let go of the fight to go to Kenyon. I don't know what pressed me to do it, except the Christmas meeting in Lincoln Park where I met a bunch of New Trier kids (who I know go to school with anyway) but I'm not sure that has entirely enough force to change my mind.
Regardless, I went and I, obviously, left. What was the purpose of that? I think that sometimes to find God's "calling" to you, you need to suffer and struggle. You need to cry and hurt and be angry and scared. And I was all of those things. I was hurting even when I didn't admit it to myself, but everyone else knew. I was angry about things I never even understood. I struggled to get through the semester, even on the "good" days, and I suffered like I never have before at the beginning of second semester. And when I came home, I didn't come home to happiness. I was scared because I didn't know what was wrong with me or what was going to happen to me. I was forced to face things I never faced before. I had to ask for help-- something I never did before.
But it made me stronger. And it made me understand myself, and who I am in comparison to the world around me. I lost a lot of friends, but the ones I gained I know are far better. Had I not gone to Valpo, there would have been a lot of people I wouldn't have met. Had I not left, I never would have met some of my closest friends that I have right now through work. I wouldn't have met the people at Loyola. I probably wouldn't have had a shot at getting into an Ivy League grad school and there's a good chance I wouldn't be studying something I really loved. So, because of all this, and things I'm probably forgetting, was I called to this experience? And if I was, how am I supposed to use this in developing my vocation?
What is God calling me to do now? Where am I going? What am I doing? How am I going to get there?
And will I even make it through?