I Return...
But to what? And for what reason do I return? Well first of all to everyone who has had a birthday in the past that I missed, you have my fullest apologies and Wishes that your birthday was a good one. Now why I came back was sorta simple. I dunno, I just wanted to see how many were still on this site and if so what were they up to. From what I read from some; their a lot worse for wear then I am right now. To those peeps all I can afford to give them is tight fluffy hugs and my condolences. I wish I could give more I honestly do :( From the start I was not very enthusiastic about starting a web journal. For the most part my life is hardly glamorous or exciting which I kind of proven honestly. Secondly I'm not really the type of person to tel others how I'm feeling.. I mostly keep everything that bothers me bottled up inside which I know isn't a good thing to do but eh, neither is how I deal with stress which is definitely something I don't feel like anyone should know about... For the most part I live with my brother and his growing family of now four girls and a wife whom I don't in the least bit get along with. Why do you ask? Because maybe I'm just stupid. Maybe I'm just a waste of everyone's time and money and deserve a reserved spot in hell for being so. Or maybe it is because I spit in god's eye.. And he blinked. Don't get me wrong. I had a job, I lived with my late mother who was ill and while working with two jobs, one being a government job which wasn't totally bad and payed well and the other a low paying, shit job at Target. I lost the first one because my mother decided to be an animal hoarder which soon became too much to handle which effected the house and myself. So I got fired from the Govt. job sue to getting completely yelled at by my boss who I could tell didn't like me anyways for smelling like a wet dog.. even when I showered.. So I took a low ranked job doing what I could at Target and despite some set backs I was doing alright.. although things with my mother weren't. I knew she was going to pass away; I just didn't want to accept it. It was taking a toll on me mentally until it too became too much when my mother finally passed from this existence and I lost my job there due to negligence.. No one gotten hurt from it; I just misplaced the keys to the Cart Machine one too many times then they were comfortable with. They did offer Grievance for my loss but grievance wasn't going to pay the bills I owed, or the expenses that in my mother's illness she didn't pay and I was sued for.. So now with no where else to go my brother offered me shelter with him and him. I didn't wish for it due to previously living with him and his wife ended badly; but at the time I was choice less. I had no where else available. Honestly I am not really good at living on my own after a failed attempt to live in an apartment on my own which led to bills I was also being sued for. Living with my brother has been.. Um, the best word I can describe it in would be disastrous. Several instances of verbal fights breaking out; being blamed for stuff I didn't do; getting bitched at every day over the same shit like if I was some sort of complaint department. Having no opinion and no privacy since they moved into a smaller more affordable home I sleep on the couch while they took my bedroom furniture... MY FURNITURE!! Hell even friends whom I would talk to online would overhear stuff that made then wonder why I didn't just up and leave. I would love to just leave but to where... And how?... One would think by now that I would have a job a car to get around in and a decent paycheck or something right? Nope.. When I had a car no one was hiring and despite my brother and sister in law if I even want to call her that says I HAD BEEN LOOKING >.<.. But now the car is gone due to needing stuff for the windows among other things it needed. I can't look for a job and even if I did I couldn't look because of needing to jump through hoops like some trained circus poodle over disabilities I never knew I had to begin with. and My brother has "plans" in place that I am declined to talk about publicly that involve going down to FL. and getting myself settled there... But that is a big if and quite frankly I have growing doubts I am going to make it that far... I don't really have much influence to completely shut down and commit seppiku somewhere to just finally end the madness that has been my life. But honestly, the will to go on is faded and like a lit candle; has blown out. Right now I feel I'm just set adrift in space with no method or strength to move. My days are thus: I wake up get on either the x box or the computer, or help round the house if asked or needed; take showers if on schedule and continue until bedtime at 11pm.. Yep got a curfew too; though I'm not too spiffed about that. By that time; I'm pretty exhausted anyways and I'm beginning to look forward to sleep.. it's pretty much my only true escape. So yeah, that is what's been going on in my life. I honestly do not call much of my existence a "life"...I'm not really "living" anymore... I'm just.. existing... For what reason only god knows... And Unless this 2012 thing comes to pass; I have a 50 or more year waiting period to find out. Another reason I haven't written anything on here; I really honestly doubt anyone truly gives half a crap about my "existence"; I sure don't. But I'm sure there is going to be those who do read this who would probably think I've become the most ungrateful asshole on the planet. That despite what I went through I should count my blessings that I am not some of these other poor souls who are much worst off then me and that I should be kissing their ass for what they were kind enough to offer me. And you know what? Your half right. I do care that they kept me from ending up on the side of the street. I do care that I'm not eating from a garbage can right now. And I have made attempts to show my appreciation to them by being there in case they needed anything, Offer my help, to go out if someone needed something from the nearby store. Small things I know but it's something I didn't have to do. It's something I didn't have to agree to. I could just be that total douche bag and not do shit for anyone but myself. But I do it anyways because hell. they did give me a roof over my head and what little food and drink they could afford to give me. But if apparently that isn't enough for the reader then here's two more your definitely not going to like .. FUCK YOU! I'm done here...