I'm Broken - by John Shean
I look into the mirror and see only a broken reflection of myself looking back. A darkness welling from the pit of my soul; Threatening to swallow me whole if I allow it. The darkness takes the form of my failures, my regrets and my shame, haunting my like a ghost from my past. Mocking me, taunting me, Telling me that I will never survive on my own without the help of others yet I will burden others to the point that they will never help me. " What shall I do?" I ask myself, but my reflection says nothing but mocks my words almost sheepishly. As if knowing what to do but not telling me. I begin to cry wanting an answer but.. Nothing comes. I feel the darkness begin to grow more and more each day. I do nothing but watch it consume me slowly; allowing it to take away my interests, my passion, and my dreams till I am an empty shell of what I once was.. I am broken
I stay away from everyone, I'm afraid of allowing them to know me, knowing the true me, knowing my mistakes, my failures, my problems. They are only mine to bear. I had that which I called friends once. But one by one they disappeared. They seen the broken reflection and become afraid of me. Keeping their distance from me like I was going to hurt them or something. Friends, Family, people I just met.. Once wanting me to be around them, now only begging me to go away. I wish I could... As the darkness begins to consume of me again I think of just that.."going away" Giving everyone a sense of peace knowing that I no longer walk the earth near them. Maybe by doing so I'll do something right for a change, I'll make other people happy for once. Too many times I am thought of as "selfish", and "childish"... Maybe I am? Maybe the child inside me has yet to be consumed in by the darkness? I'll wait then. I want to be broken.
May 12th, December of 2012, The end.. It's what I'm afraid of yet a part of me longs for.. " The end.." It's like waiting for the end of a movie that has been going on for so long. A part of you wants it to go on forever yet a part of you wishes it wouldn't. I partly fear the end. What will happen to us? Will there be a heaven, a judgement? Or is that all just a fairytale? a broken lucid dream that they weave into your head that " God loves you." and " God forgives if you allow him to." What if there Isn't a god? What if there is no god... If there was a God, would he allow a boy to be born with such defects and be allowed to grow up? Is that some sort of challenge? To be born with a problem that you must overcome.. Sometimes I wonder if this "god" is nothing but a nerd playing The Sims with a sick sense of humor... When I become emotional I become a whole other person, like day and night. My mood changes, I become defensive as if I was being attacked and must defend myself. Maybe this is what others see when they look at me... Maybe this is why they want me to just " Go away".. But i can't help it when I become my own reflection of myself. He knows when I'm being hurt and wants them to go away, to leave me alone and stop hurting me. To believe me when I say " it's not my fault" and to care when I try to help others other then myself.. But all he sees is people screaming and complaining at me as if It was all my fault, people not believing me and treating me as if I was only caring for myself when I go out of my way to do otherwise, and treat my anguish as being silly and childish.. He hates that... he knows I am not broken, It is everyone else that is broken because they don't understand me. But I still see myself as broken for what was done to me ... And no one yet knows because I will not tell them.. I'm afraid to.. I've picked up the pieces of my broken mirror so many times and attempted to fix it but every time it shatters again, leaving shards of my life scattered at my bare feet. The shards waiting to cut me as I walk as if reminding me that I have failed them, I have failed myself... I no longer wish to pick up the pieces anymore.. I just look at the broken reflection as it mocks me again and feel broken myself...
john shean
I stay away from everyone, I'm afraid of allowing them to know me, knowing the true me, knowing my mistakes, my failures, my problems. They are only mine to bear. I had that which I called friends once. But one by one they disappeared. They seen the broken reflection and become afraid of me. Keeping their distance from me like I was going to hurt them or something. Friends, Family, people I just met.. Once wanting me to be around them, now only begging me to go away. I wish I could... As the darkness begins to consume of me again I think of just that.."going away" Giving everyone a sense of peace knowing that I no longer walk the earth near them. Maybe by doing so I'll do something right for a change, I'll make other people happy for once. Too many times I am thought of as "selfish", and "childish"... Maybe I am? Maybe the child inside me has yet to be consumed in by the darkness? I'll wait then. I want to be broken.
May 12th, December of 2012, The end.. It's what I'm afraid of yet a part of me longs for.. " The end.." It's like waiting for the end of a movie that has been going on for so long. A part of you wants it to go on forever yet a part of you wishes it wouldn't. I partly fear the end. What will happen to us? Will there be a heaven, a judgement? Or is that all just a fairytale? a broken lucid dream that they weave into your head that " God loves you." and " God forgives if you allow him to." What if there Isn't a god? What if there is no god... If there was a God, would he allow a boy to be born with such defects and be allowed to grow up? Is that some sort of challenge? To be born with a problem that you must overcome.. Sometimes I wonder if this "god" is nothing but a nerd playing The Sims with a sick sense of humor... When I become emotional I become a whole other person, like day and night. My mood changes, I become defensive as if I was being attacked and must defend myself. Maybe this is what others see when they look at me... Maybe this is why they want me to just " Go away".. But i can't help it when I become my own reflection of myself. He knows when I'm being hurt and wants them to go away, to leave me alone and stop hurting me. To believe me when I say " it's not my fault" and to care when I try to help others other then myself.. But all he sees is people screaming and complaining at me as if It was all my fault, people not believing me and treating me as if I was only caring for myself when I go out of my way to do otherwise, and treat my anguish as being silly and childish.. He hates that... he knows I am not broken, It is everyone else that is broken because they don't understand me. But I still see myself as broken for what was done to me ... And no one yet knows because I will not tell them.. I'm afraid to.. I've picked up the pieces of my broken mirror so many times and attempted to fix it but every time it shatters again, leaving shards of my life scattered at my bare feet. The shards waiting to cut me as I walk as if reminding me that I have failed them, I have failed myself... I no longer wish to pick up the pieces anymore.. I just look at the broken reflection as it mocks me again and feel broken myself...
john shean