All good things...
Dear Diary,
Well a lot has happened since I last started typing my life.. I had to go through a lot of losses in some time lately.. First being my father Gene. My father was a stubborn individual who thought that he was always right and knew all the answers. You couldn’t argue with him or try to correct him. He would either shut you up or walk away and ignore you.. Or both.. He was also abusive. I remember some of the many times he struck me or emotionally trying to get to me saying that “ He was the only one that could put up with me or give me work.” In a way though it made me stronger I guess. I don’t get as upset when people try to insult me like I used to. Honestly I don’t give a rats ( edit) about what others think about me… Okay I lied, I still do somewhat..
The second person that passed that was close to me was Leonard Kleinberg. I met him while mom was working for UCP [ United Cerebral Palsy ] He taught me to play pool like a pro and knew a way to make me laugh. He was like a second father to me. He always wanted me to work smarter and not harder and that made me smirk a bit now when I thought of it. His health started to fade due to his weight and when he passed it was a loss for us all. He was a highly intelligent man who once worked for NASA and other government programs. He was an inventor and wanted me to follow in his footsteps. Unfortunately for him I haven’t… I’m sorry Lenny..
There were other members of the family that passed that were close but it was so long ago when I was a little child that I haven’t had the chance to really become that close to them. My grandma-ma Goola, My aunt Titi Fina, Aunt Nelly.. Don’t get me wrong though. Even though I wasn’t as close to them as my mom or other family members were I still have memories of them. And will still miss them. Then there is the final loss recently that will forever change me.. Mom.
Magdalina Ortiz. My mothers maiden name. She gave birth to me and had to deal with so much with me and the rest of her family. She was a strong willed woman with a lot of pride behind her. She always told me stories of her family and her childhood and how she didn’t want to end up like her mom. I never knew Grandma enough, but mom had her drawbacks.. She wasn’t as abusive as dad was but It doesn’t mean she didn’t lay a hand on me.. Or find something to throw at me like a slipper or something else. She used to have a problem with drinking and smoking too much.. She would go through a bottle of Southern Comfort within a week. And a pack of cigarettes every three days. I worried for her health cause I know it couldn’t be good for her to be drinking and smoking so much. It was the reason why I never started smoking and laid off drinking. I want to lead a more healthier life without the need for foreign substances controlling me. But even through the bad times I knew one thing.. My mom would always be there to protect me. If I could say anything about mom was that she was protective of her children and would give her lifeblood for them. I knew that if I was in trouble or if I had a problem I could turn to her to give me advice or comfort to make me feel better. Though perhaps because of that it made me too dependant on
people. Too dependant on comfort from others. Instead of finding comfort in the one person that matters the most… Myself…
I know I have problems. Emotional problems, mental problems. Even physical problems.. Like my constantly bothersome neck. Having to pop it every time it stiffens up is annoying as it is painful. But I think my biggest problem is that I lost my self respect. I lost my courage to believe in myself and believe in others that want to help me. I don’t know. I just feel a part of me died and I can’t seem to get it back.. Maybe it cause I feel I was a failure up till now. Because of it I lost so much.. It was then I realized that I was holding myself back. No one can help me if I cannot even help myself.. I spent so much time depending on others to do my life for me. I think a part of it is cause I allowed what my dad said to me to heart. That I couldn’t do anything on my own and that I would need someone or something to do it for me. Well there’s no one now other then my brothers to depend on.. I need to learn to depend on myself for once in my life.. I want to be an artist, I want to start my own web comic. I want to become famous someday… And I cannot do it by just hoping it would come to me. I need to step up and do something about it. I need to make a change.. Mom, dad, Lenny. I’m going to learn from my mistakes and not make the same mistakes I’ve made since I was young. I’m going to stop expecting others to make my life for me. I’m going to start taking responsibility in myself and my future. No matter how hard my life gets; And I know that it will not be easy. But for you all looking down at me from above. I promise you all three words… I WILL SURVIVE!
And to all my friends and family who believe in me And Jaimie, The woman that believed in me the most.. Thank you :)
Sincerely,
John Shean