[fic] It's Not Supposed to Make Sense... (mildly btvs extreme AU!!)
Chapter One:
MIS-EN-SCENE
Okay, okay I had to write this, I desperately needed to get this CRAP out of my system. (That's right, folks, what follows is pure hogwash, horses' shoes, bovine secretions...C-R-A-P spells embarrassing trash that should never ever ever make it out in the real world..I need to flush this out (ha! a joke!) Ahem. Anyway, here goes...nothing. Really. Hot gas. The bad kind. Really. Okay...but ambulances and psychiatrists are standing by...
Cliched, tired and poorly abused plot device ahead! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! DANGER!!!!
Note: the main character's name is not my name, but...you know...
VBG
VTpina
Disclaimer: I (thankfully) do not own any of the characters, not even my own. Well, I don't even HAVE any characters, per say, 'characters', PER SAY. VBG
Timeline: heck if I know. 2000??
Rating: PG-13, may go to R?? who knows..
Pairing: our favorite bleached wonder with...I'm too embarrassed to even say...:shakes head:
Genre: Humor (it has to be)
P.S.- Before you even read this...
I am sorry.
Very
Very.
Sorry.
I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES..."We can't run, can we?"
:click:
'Anita!'
'Ceell- lebrate good times, C'mon! It's a celebration! Ceelll -lebrate good times C'mon!"
:click:
'D-D-D-D-Da- Dora! D-D-D-D-Da- Dpra! Dora Dora Dora the Explorer!!! DORA!!!'
:click
'Happy, happy, joy, joy! Happy, happy joy!"
:click:
"Vamos, vamos, vamos Mexicanos! Vamos a triunfar! Si se puede! Si se puede!"
:click:
'Anita!"
"What is that supposed to mean?!"
"What do you think?"
'Anita!"
"an incredible ambassador for our country.."
"Anita!'
:click:
"Make your house a Maxwell house!"
:click:
:pop:
"You're beneath me."
BeneathmeBeneathmeBeneathmebeneathmebeneathmebeneathmebeneathmebeneathmebeneathmeeeeeeeee pop, popopopopopoppopopopopopopopopopopopop":static: click:clickclickclickstaaaattttttiiiiccccccccccc....
'"The insurance companies have laywers working hard on their side, and so should you."
Anita sat up with a gasp and screamed. Her heart was pounding, and her head was going to fall off. A wave of nausea hit her head and she quickly found herself flat on her back desperately trying to calm her jangling senses. Her head, which currently felt like one thousand times denser than lead, was currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon, Io.
Oooh. Anita moaned. She couldn't remember feeling so..so..mush. Disoriented. Tiured.
Anita tried vainly to lift her head, got as far as her elbows then plopped right back down with an 'Ugh.' What happened? She stiffened. Where am I? She wondered. From the mush of her mind, she remembered her sister looking at her in shock blathering about alcohol and cognac and how much did she drink and where di she get that bottle and through fastly blurring eyes blinking at a 40 oz. glass which was once full, now a good 3/4 gone with a little bit of ice left. Ooops. I could have swotn it was fruit concentrate...she foggily thought. 'Although it did have a funny minty taste and kind of...bitter?" she mukmbled. Was that my voice? she wondered.
'Anita!'
O man alive, for the love of...
"WHAT??!!' Anita's ears screamed in protest to all the ringing and sent messages to the brain to stop processing at once which caused an already fogged up brain adding even more clutter and noise and ringing, ringing...
The mosh pit in her headache was joined by a chorus of clanging bells.
I am never, ever, ever drinking by accident again, she vowed. Lesson #429471-5: Alcohol and me defi8nitely do not mix. Anita's stomach agreed and promptly turned to mush.
"Ooooo...boy..." she moaned.
C'mon. C'mon. Got to get up. she thought. One, two,...
Ugghhhhh! she moaned as she rolled over onto her stomach.
Okay. That didn't work. She peered over the edge of the bed.
Her eyes blurring she was shocked to look at deep blue carpet. Funny, I thought I had hardwood...
Wait a minute. This isn't my bed! she thought with a start.
"Anita!" A woman's voice.
With mounting anxiety she slowly looked up and instantly regretted it.
She saw a brown espadrille tapping impatiently and followed it up to see a deep brown leg.
Uh oh. she thought.
Followed by the scowling face of her sister.
"Hi Rachel!" she cheerily said.
Her sister's eyes turned to ice.
"What's up?" she almost laughed at her own joke if her head wasn't threatening to explode...
Her sister looked at her with what can only be described as 'fierce'.
"What are you doing?"
Doing? Anita thought. I've just been...
Talk to the hotdog, it can read your mind!
Huh? she thought. Who's singing?
It's a frisky feeling that is so delicious!
She glanced up to realize the television was on full blast showing a cow, a pig-tailed Minnie Mouse female host with a panda surrounded by children in brightly colored camping outfits.
Funny, I don't remember watching....
A memory flashed. Her sister's conference. The Radisson Hotel. Their hotel room. That's why the carpet is blue!! she triumphantly thought. 'Uh, nothing" she quickly said, turning off the television. Pretending to lie back down for more sleep she asked, "Hey how was the meeting?" Now, if I can just figure out what day it is...
Her sister huffed. "It went well, but don't change the subject. What are you doing? I've been trying to wake you up for the past hour and you've been out cold. Just what did you drink last night?"
Drink? Anita thought.
"Well..."Anita hedged.
"Nevermind. Look, this is my first day off from that stupid meeting, and I want to go out and see the sights! We've got be in the hotel lobby by 10 so we can take a tour of Los Angeles! Now get moving!"
"Uh..."
"Or are you staying here all day by yourself?" she asked innocently as she closed the bathroom door.
"I'm awake! I'm awake! I'm coming! I'm coming!!" Anita frantically shouted as a surge of adrenaline hit her system and she got caught in the sheets resulting in her falling over the side of the bed landing in a thump on the floor. Oof.
She looked at the clock: 9:30.
Crap.
~*~