First impressions and body language in communication
This entry has been motivated by a conversation I've had with a good friend of mine last Friday night. We were sitting at the bar and discussing our various friendships, and how going to university, choosing different paths in life and all changed those. Then, he went on to say that he was thankful that I always accepted hanging out, whenever he called, one of the reasons for that being that, out of his 4 or 5 "most regular friends", as I'd call them, I am his girlfriend's favorite.
Now, I know I'm quite the irresistible charismatic charmer and all(kidding, here), but the declaration surprised me a bit. For a while, I was certain his girlfriend despised me, for some reason. Or reasons. Actually, I firmly believed she did not enjoy my presence at all, up until last January, when we officially declared a truce for the year of 2006(we were drunk). From then on, we actually got along quite fine, and I believe she even got highly motivated in befriending me on her boyfriend's birthday, when I showed up a good 30 minutes in advance and helped making the final preparations (I'm a nice guy like that). But the favorite? I would've sworn her favorite friend of his was Kevin. They knew each other long before we got introduced, and he also showed up pretty regularly, he's one of the "very loyal bunch", as I'd call us. Man, I like tagging my friend's friends, who also happen to be MY friends.
But yeah, back to the point...He explained that she liked the whole "friendly dissing" deal we had going, since we can pretty much throw any insult at each other, knowing it's no serious business, and then have a shooter for it. Y'know, just like with every other one of my friends. I was flattered, and I told him that I used to believe she hated me. And that brought forward the point that makes the essence for this already potentially painfully long entry : He told me that his girlfriend used to think that I was the one who hated her.
Huh? Okay, so, back when I thought she didn't like me, I kinda acted indifferent, threw in a few smartass lines, but it was said in a very sarcastic, I'm not serious, no hating from me way. I usually play that game with most of my new friends, y'know, when they don't show signs of abhorring me. It's just a simple way of introducing them into the gang.
As in, "y'know, once you pass the painfully obvious VT hates you and acts like a smartass around you test, you're in. No joke!". As a side note for later in the entry, I'd like to add that I don't play this one on girls, except, of course, for that friend's girlfriend, but only because she either disliked me at first, or was playing the very same game herself, to begin with(which, in light of the conversation, seemed to be the case...although we probably both were too good actors to realize it...Shame on me).
But that wasn't it...no, no, no...He then went on to say that his brother thought I hated him. Now, that disturbed me. I'd seen his brother the previous week, had talked with him a bit, and most things seemed fine. The kid's about 18, pretty mature for his age, smarter than most 17-year-olds that I know, and he jokes around a lot, which would make him a perfect candidate for the "happy night at the strip-club with your brother's friends as soon as you turn 18, I'm the one who pays the first dance" deal.
It turns out his brother was telling him and his parents about "this one friend of his" who was strangely antipathetic to him, and seemingly despised him for a reason he ignored. I was in total disbelief, and my friend said that he felt the very same way when said conversation took place. He told me he was quick to set the record straight with the family, that there was no ill feelings between us. I told him I'd gladly clear things up with his brother next time I'd be at their place.
We kept on talking, had a few beers and then joined the girls on the dance floor...basically, a quiet Friday night at a quiet bar in Lévis. However, the whole "hate-magnet" deal made me uncomfortable. Was it typical of this one friend's relations, or was I really an asshole in disguise, owner of a loathe-inducing aura I couldn't even sense? I went to work on Saturday, as usual, paying specific attention to all of my co-workers on that day, trying to remember the early days of our working together. Nope, couldn't sense anything there. They all seemed to love me at first sight. Except Jessica, but I remembered her telling me that she used to be intimidate by me, that she was just shy around me at first, last Summer. Even my current "apprentice", the girl I'm training, who's only been there for 3 weeks, seems to be quite fond of me. We spend our breaks joking about random stuff.
So...it can't be the image that I project in a professional environment...therefore, I'm not an asshole, per se. Or I'm just so good at hiding it when money's on the line. I'd like to think it's not the latter possibility, as I really enjoy all of my current "professional" relationships, and I tend to act as natural as possible when around my co-workers. So, it must be in 2nd-degree friendly relationships(as in, you're related to my friend in this way or that way, but you're not exactly my friend). Yeah, I just made that up.
In order to make sure, I wanted to check out if other people had had that feeling that I hated them. The opportunity presented itself on Saturday night, when I went over to another friend's place to watch a few DVDs. After the movies, we had a snack, and I told this friend about the whole girlfriend-little brother hate deal. His girlfriend was present, and she kinda jumped at the story, even laughed. She said "You know what...I thought you hated me too, at first". I looked at her boyfriend, just to make sure, and asked if that was true. She's the kind who jokes around a lot, so, I needed confirmation. He said she was right, she'd asked him if I disliked her and he laughed it off, explaining that I probably was joking. Thing is...I don't do the whole "smartass" deal with friends' girlfriends.
So, it can't be something that I said. Now, that leaves very few options...the facts here are:
- Some people who aren't my friends and who meet me have a tendency to believe I dislike them.
- They never tell me straight to my face(I guess that's understandable. I wouldn't tell a friend of my friend I hated their guts, except in a joking tone, since that'd complicate things a bit around the social network)
- They usually tell the person they're linked to me with about their belief.
As for me:
- I don't consciously act like an asshole to anybody, except for a few college snobs I wouldn't want to be associated with in any way, shape or form. I'd rather avoid them than be around and resort to acting like an asshole in their presence to make my point known.
- I know I have a tendency to joke around a lot and tease people to create a relaxed mood. That trait isn't forcedly applied in the "smartass gimmick", because I reserve it for potential friends, not nameless acquaintances.
- I've been told I'm a credible actor, which I still highly doubt, today. I may doubt it, but I did convince the first friend's girlfriend that I hated her, when simply playing a game.
- I don't walk around with a mirror, I don't study my own movements and it shows when I watch tapes of wrestling practices!
The last fact probably is the most important one...I'm starting to wonder if I don't give off a negative message via body language. I mean, seriously...if 3 people of my entourage are, or have been convinced, at some point, that I hate/d them, when it clearly isn't/wasn't the case, then, there is something wrong, and it's not a verbal communication problem. What's left, then? Facial action and general body language. Maybe I'm too comfortable around my friends (I know I'm incredibly shy when I'm by myself) and it sends the message that "the place is full, go away, you're ruining the fun, you've not been integrated to the crew". That, or, even though my joking definitely has a "joking" tone to it(voice), the face says otherwise, and people feel like I'm insulting them(although I joke to my friends in a much nastier, dirtier way. I mean, they are my friends, after all!).
One thing is for sure, though...I've been working on my image, my overall appearance, a shitload since the Summer. I've always felt it was my big weakness, and since I've been having a lot of time to work on it, that's what I've been trying to improve. Now, I'm not gonna let some random factor break all the work I've done these past few months. I will discover what it is that's wrong with my way of interacting with pseudo-strangers, if it means I gotta ask whoever's accompanying me in public places to tape me with a god damn handy-cam, and I'm gonna correct it.
I am a fucking gentleman, and I'll be damned if everyone I come into contact with doesn't realize it by the time our first encounter is over.
Now, I know I'm quite the irresistible charismatic charmer and all(kidding, here), but the declaration surprised me a bit. For a while, I was certain his girlfriend despised me, for some reason. Or reasons. Actually, I firmly believed she did not enjoy my presence at all, up until last January, when we officially declared a truce for the year of 2006(we were drunk). From then on, we actually got along quite fine, and I believe she even got highly motivated in befriending me on her boyfriend's birthday, when I showed up a good 30 minutes in advance and helped making the final preparations (I'm a nice guy like that). But the favorite? I would've sworn her favorite friend of his was Kevin. They knew each other long before we got introduced, and he also showed up pretty regularly, he's one of the "very loyal bunch", as I'd call us. Man, I like tagging my friend's friends, who also happen to be MY friends.
But yeah, back to the point...He explained that she liked the whole "friendly dissing" deal we had going, since we can pretty much throw any insult at each other, knowing it's no serious business, and then have a shooter for it. Y'know, just like with every other one of my friends. I was flattered, and I told him that I used to believe she hated me. And that brought forward the point that makes the essence for this already potentially painfully long entry : He told me that his girlfriend used to think that I was the one who hated her.
Huh? Okay, so, back when I thought she didn't like me, I kinda acted indifferent, threw in a few smartass lines, but it was said in a very sarcastic, I'm not serious, no hating from me way. I usually play that game with most of my new friends, y'know, when they don't show signs of abhorring me. It's just a simple way of introducing them into the gang.
As in, "y'know, once you pass the painfully obvious VT hates you and acts like a smartass around you test, you're in. No joke!". As a side note for later in the entry, I'd like to add that I don't play this one on girls, except, of course, for that friend's girlfriend, but only because she either disliked me at first, or was playing the very same game herself, to begin with(which, in light of the conversation, seemed to be the case...although we probably both were too good actors to realize it...Shame on me).
But that wasn't it...no, no, no...He then went on to say that his brother thought I hated him. Now, that disturbed me. I'd seen his brother the previous week, had talked with him a bit, and most things seemed fine. The kid's about 18, pretty mature for his age, smarter than most 17-year-olds that I know, and he jokes around a lot, which would make him a perfect candidate for the "happy night at the strip-club with your brother's friends as soon as you turn 18, I'm the one who pays the first dance" deal.
It turns out his brother was telling him and his parents about "this one friend of his" who was strangely antipathetic to him, and seemingly despised him for a reason he ignored. I was in total disbelief, and my friend said that he felt the very same way when said conversation took place. He told me he was quick to set the record straight with the family, that there was no ill feelings between us. I told him I'd gladly clear things up with his brother next time I'd be at their place.
We kept on talking, had a few beers and then joined the girls on the dance floor...basically, a quiet Friday night at a quiet bar in Lévis. However, the whole "hate-magnet" deal made me uncomfortable. Was it typical of this one friend's relations, or was I really an asshole in disguise, owner of a loathe-inducing aura I couldn't even sense? I went to work on Saturday, as usual, paying specific attention to all of my co-workers on that day, trying to remember the early days of our working together. Nope, couldn't sense anything there. They all seemed to love me at first sight. Except Jessica, but I remembered her telling me that she used to be intimidate by me, that she was just shy around me at first, last Summer. Even my current "apprentice", the girl I'm training, who's only been there for 3 weeks, seems to be quite fond of me. We spend our breaks joking about random stuff.
So...it can't be the image that I project in a professional environment...therefore, I'm not an asshole, per se. Or I'm just so good at hiding it when money's on the line. I'd like to think it's not the latter possibility, as I really enjoy all of my current "professional" relationships, and I tend to act as natural as possible when around my co-workers. So, it must be in 2nd-degree friendly relationships(as in, you're related to my friend in this way or that way, but you're not exactly my friend). Yeah, I just made that up.
In order to make sure, I wanted to check out if other people had had that feeling that I hated them. The opportunity presented itself on Saturday night, when I went over to another friend's place to watch a few DVDs. After the movies, we had a snack, and I told this friend about the whole girlfriend-little brother hate deal. His girlfriend was present, and she kinda jumped at the story, even laughed. She said "You know what...I thought you hated me too, at first". I looked at her boyfriend, just to make sure, and asked if that was true. She's the kind who jokes around a lot, so, I needed confirmation. He said she was right, she'd asked him if I disliked her and he laughed it off, explaining that I probably was joking. Thing is...I don't do the whole "smartass" deal with friends' girlfriends.
So, it can't be something that I said. Now, that leaves very few options...the facts here are:
- Some people who aren't my friends and who meet me have a tendency to believe I dislike them.
- They never tell me straight to my face(I guess that's understandable. I wouldn't tell a friend of my friend I hated their guts, except in a joking tone, since that'd complicate things a bit around the social network)
- They usually tell the person they're linked to me with about their belief.
As for me:
- I don't consciously act like an asshole to anybody, except for a few college snobs I wouldn't want to be associated with in any way, shape or form. I'd rather avoid them than be around and resort to acting like an asshole in their presence to make my point known.
- I know I have a tendency to joke around a lot and tease people to create a relaxed mood. That trait isn't forcedly applied in the "smartass gimmick", because I reserve it for potential friends, not nameless acquaintances.
- I've been told I'm a credible actor, which I still highly doubt, today. I may doubt it, but I did convince the first friend's girlfriend that I hated her, when simply playing a game.
- I don't walk around with a mirror, I don't study my own movements and it shows when I watch tapes of wrestling practices!
The last fact probably is the most important one...I'm starting to wonder if I don't give off a negative message via body language. I mean, seriously...if 3 people of my entourage are, or have been convinced, at some point, that I hate/d them, when it clearly isn't/wasn't the case, then, there is something wrong, and it's not a verbal communication problem. What's left, then? Facial action and general body language. Maybe I'm too comfortable around my friends (I know I'm incredibly shy when I'm by myself) and it sends the message that "the place is full, go away, you're ruining the fun, you've not been integrated to the crew". That, or, even though my joking definitely has a "joking" tone to it(voice), the face says otherwise, and people feel like I'm insulting them(although I joke to my friends in a much nastier, dirtier way. I mean, they are my friends, after all!).
One thing is for sure, though...I've been working on my image, my overall appearance, a shitload since the Summer. I've always felt it was my big weakness, and since I've been having a lot of time to work on it, that's what I've been trying to improve. Now, I'm not gonna let some random factor break all the work I've done these past few months. I will discover what it is that's wrong with my way of interacting with pseudo-strangers, if it means I gotta ask whoever's accompanying me in public places to tape me with a god damn handy-cam, and I'm gonna correct it.
I am a fucking gentleman, and I'll be damned if everyone I come into contact with doesn't realize it by the time our first encounter is over.