Time is tightening

[vstarkweather]

I laid in bed last night unable to power down long enough to lose inertia. I had what seemed to be one of those acid flashbacks they always used to warn us about. When's the last time I took LSD? Probably 26 years ago. But there it was. The neighborhood husky bayed at nothing in particular, some gargoyle embroiled in its own concupiscence. I

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[vstarkweather]

Well, I wasn't trying to freak anyone out. It really did happen, and that was only a portion of it. It probably lasted 2 minutes, and it wasn't a dream state or that fuzzy zone between sleep and awake. I think it was just a brain fart of sorts, all the stresses of the day boiled up the spout and blew out into my consciousness. It came, it went. Veni, vedi, veci. Uh, or whatever. Did I enjoy it? No, I just experienced it. It was not particularly pleasant. It left me actually feeling sad, like a reminder of my past mistakes and misspent youth.

I figured out one time that I took LSD about 25 times. Most of the the doses were small. These stupid little blotters that used to flood the street called "Painted Lady". When I first took them, they seemed intense enough. But over time, they seem to lose their pizazz. Maybe it's like your tent analogy: the pole seemed to get shorter with successive doses. After a while, I stopped enjoying it, and finally quit doing it altogether. I realized I could take more than one dose (and did this on more than one occasion), but this was invariably a mistake, and I could see the road to perdition being laid out before me.

Did I believe myself a little more each time? I'm not sure what that means to you, but it did force me to face my fears. Like I said before, LSD mimics schizophrenia, and what is one of the hallmarks of the schizoid personality? Unrelenting fear and loathing. Nothing was resolved during my lysergic experiences. What brought resolution to my fears was time. Live long enough and wisdom comes (not that I claim to be wise, only a wiseass). I face my fears now on a daily basis, simply because I have to. People depend on me, so I can't afford the luxury of succumbing to those fears. One learns to resolve, cope, deal with, accept, get over it. Like the guy in "A Beautiful Mind", the fears never leave, you just learn to push them aside. To do otherwise is to fall into the vortex.

--V