I Want To Grow Up
"Tell me how you never fealt delicate or innocent..." "Just shut your mouth. How dare you say I go about things the wrong way. I am human and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does..."
Sombody help me. I've been miserable and I've been pushing people away and I've been making short-lived strives towards a better life than this. I cause those around me great pain because I seem to lack the essential ability to control my emotions or my life or... Fuck.. I can't even keep up my train of thought right now.
I don't know whether to feel abandoned or encouraged or what. But I sure as hell feel alone in this. I don't want my pain anymore. I want to grow up and go away, somewhere far away from here where no one knows me and where they don't have the kind of vested interest in my life that makes them want to control me out of having my best interest at heart. I'm not bipolar, folks. I don't have turrets or epilepsy or any of that bullshit. I'm not co-dependent, I don't do any drugs, and (sorry to disappoint) I don't have meaningless, dangerous or promiscuous sex.I'm just a struggling, ambitious, scared 20 year old girl who wants (and needs) to be a strong, indipendant, healthy, happy 21 year old woman. I'm not afraid of hard work. I'm not afraid of intimacy. And I'm not afraid of myself. But I am still in my own way.
I got up today with the goal of turning in some job applications and guess what? I made all the necessary phone calls and I asked all the right questions and I did all I could do for today. And this time next week, I'm still not gonna have a fuckin job. I need new references. I need better organization skills. I need more self-confidence. I need a new life. And I need it a few months ago. If true change comes from within, I've already done the hard part. So why don't I feel any better?
Sombody help me. I've been miserable and I've been pushing people away and I've been making short-lived strives towards a better life than this. I cause those around me great pain because I seem to lack the essential ability to control my emotions or my life or... Fuck.. I can't even keep up my train of thought right now.
I don't know whether to feel abandoned or encouraged or what. But I sure as hell feel alone in this. I don't want my pain anymore. I want to grow up and go away, somewhere far away from here where no one knows me and where they don't have the kind of vested interest in my life that makes them want to control me out of having my best interest at heart. I'm not bipolar, folks. I don't have turrets or epilepsy or any of that bullshit. I'm not co-dependent, I don't do any drugs, and (sorry to disappoint) I don't have meaningless, dangerous or promiscuous sex.I'm just a struggling, ambitious, scared 20 year old girl who wants (and needs) to be a strong, indipendant, healthy, happy 21 year old woman. I'm not afraid of hard work. I'm not afraid of intimacy. And I'm not afraid of myself. But I am still in my own way.
I got up today with the goal of turning in some job applications and guess what? I made all the necessary phone calls and I asked all the right questions and I did all I could do for today. And this time next week, I'm still not gonna have a fuckin job. I need new references. I need better organization skills. I need more self-confidence. I need a new life. And I need it a few months ago. If true change comes from within, I've already done the hard part. So why don't I feel any better?