Call me Prince Batman
I've been reading a lot of Feminist blogs recently on Facebook and whatnot. And I've been going through a lot of personal transitions and thought processes, brought about in a number of ways.
When I was a kid I was a tomboy. I still am. People always assumed I was a lesbian because I had short hair, I spoke my mind, I wore my brother's hand-me-downs and when I played "Disney Princesses" with my other female friends, I was always the prince. I still have short hair. I still dress like a teenage boy most days. I still speak my mind and carry a decent romantic tenor in singing along with Disney songs. People still make bullshit assumptions all the time. And when people think my son is a girl because his hair grows fast or his eyelashes are long or because he's gentle and articulate, I take it as kind of a compliment. I wish we could all judge less and love more. I would love for gender to be seen as more of a sliding scale rather than a stereotype-based binary. But mostly, I just want to live my life the best I can and raise my son the only way I know how. Good on the woman who wrote this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/23/listen-to-your-mother_n_3116946.html?ir=Gay+Voices#slide=953866
And on the subject of a sliding scale for gender: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-hennessy/pronouns-and-cons_b_3114499.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular
I remember when Lee and I were married, there were many times that he would introduce me to people as my male self, Peter (Sometimes going by other names, like "Jack"). Some people took it in stride. Most were confused. Quite a few were uncomfortable and more often than I like to admit, the person who had never met me before would take Lee aside and ask, "Who was that man-hating Dyke you were with?" Pete was, as a man but also as someone who considers himself a proud gay man (who happens to share a female body) was taken aback and insulted by this. (He would reflexively ask, "Really? I mean, the lesbian thing I can kind of get, but do I come off as angry?") Lee's response to this kind of question was priceless: He'd get all up in their closed-minded faces and say either "That 'Dyke' is my wife" or (rarer but not unheard of) "He's my boyfriend." Now-a-days, as a mother, my body is much more identifiable as female, often much to Pete's chagrin. Small children sometimes ask me if I am a boy person or a girl person and I explain that I'm Vidar's mommy. But then one day not too long ago my own son confronted Pete while he was out and said, "Mommy, please don't talk like a man right now." Pete's voice and his masculine presence coming out of my moth was confusing to my son and even scaring him. I never wanted that. Pete, my anima and often my conscience and dearest possible friend, was heartbroken. He didn't come out for weeks after that, and didn't come out as often or with the same level of confidence as he had before. He still has not come out when there was even a chance of Vidar crossing paths with him. You see, Peter considers himself to be our son's Father (in addition to Dan, Vidar's biological father) and Mother at the same time. He was the first to be on board with the pregnancy, even though he knew it would alter the body dramatically and in ways that would make his life harder. He was willing to die for the possibility of us having a son. It was in that moment, when Vidar addressed the elephant in the room, that Pete went from being pro-baby (as in, wanting to have another kid with Scott) to against. He doesn't believe he can (or should have to) endure the torture and the fear and the (seemingly inevitable) recurrence of being denied as a parent and as a man and as a valid human being.
Pete is always going to love Vidar and feel like a father to him. I hope some day they reconcile and are able to hang out as father and son. Or as a different aspect of mother and son, at the very least. But at what age do you talk to your children about something you find hard to understand everyday? How do you broach such a complicated subject as, "Mommy is different people, and they all love you in their own special way" or "Gender and genetic sex are not the same thing, and some people are both male and female." ?
When I was a kid I was a tomboy. I still am. People always assumed I was a lesbian because I had short hair, I spoke my mind, I wore my brother's hand-me-downs and when I played "Disney Princesses" with my other female friends, I was always the prince. I still have short hair. I still dress like a teenage boy most days. I still speak my mind and carry a decent romantic tenor in singing along with Disney songs. People still make bullshit assumptions all the time. And when people think my son is a girl because his hair grows fast or his eyelashes are long or because he's gentle and articulate, I take it as kind of a compliment. I wish we could all judge less and love more. I would love for gender to be seen as more of a sliding scale rather than a stereotype-based binary. But mostly, I just want to live my life the best I can and raise my son the only way I know how. Good on the woman who wrote this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/23/listen-to-your-mother_n_3116946.html?ir=Gay+Voices#slide=953866
And on the subject of a sliding scale for gender: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-hennessy/pronouns-and-cons_b_3114499.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular
I remember when Lee and I were married, there were many times that he would introduce me to people as my male self, Peter (Sometimes going by other names, like "Jack"). Some people took it in stride. Most were confused. Quite a few were uncomfortable and more often than I like to admit, the person who had never met me before would take Lee aside and ask, "Who was that man-hating Dyke you were with?" Pete was, as a man but also as someone who considers himself a proud gay man (who happens to share a female body) was taken aback and insulted by this. (He would reflexively ask, "Really? I mean, the lesbian thing I can kind of get, but do I come off as angry?") Lee's response to this kind of question was priceless: He'd get all up in their closed-minded faces and say either "That 'Dyke' is my wife" or (rarer but not unheard of) "He's my boyfriend." Now-a-days, as a mother, my body is much more identifiable as female, often much to Pete's chagrin. Small children sometimes ask me if I am a boy person or a girl person and I explain that I'm Vidar's mommy. But then one day not too long ago my own son confronted Pete while he was out and said, "Mommy, please don't talk like a man right now." Pete's voice and his masculine presence coming out of my moth was confusing to my son and even scaring him. I never wanted that. Pete, my anima and often my conscience and dearest possible friend, was heartbroken. He didn't come out for weeks after that, and didn't come out as often or with the same level of confidence as he had before. He still has not come out when there was even a chance of Vidar crossing paths with him. You see, Peter considers himself to be our son's Father (in addition to Dan, Vidar's biological father) and Mother at the same time. He was the first to be on board with the pregnancy, even though he knew it would alter the body dramatically and in ways that would make his life harder. He was willing to die for the possibility of us having a son. It was in that moment, when Vidar addressed the elephant in the room, that Pete went from being pro-baby (as in, wanting to have another kid with Scott) to against. He doesn't believe he can (or should have to) endure the torture and the fear and the (seemingly inevitable) recurrence of being denied as a parent and as a man and as a valid human being.
Pete is always going to love Vidar and feel like a father to him. I hope some day they reconcile and are able to hang out as father and son. Or as a different aspect of mother and son, at the very least. But at what age do you talk to your children about something you find hard to understand everyday? How do you broach such a complicated subject as, "Mommy is different people, and they all love you in their own special way" or "Gender and genetic sex are not the same thing, and some people are both male and female." ?