oh god, what have I done?
"...Like a Blind Man on the edge of a panaramic scene. Or maybe I'm like a kite somewhere randomly dangling on a string. Or slumped over in a vacant room, head on stranger's knee... I'm sure back home, they think I've lost my mind.
here I stand. Sad and Free.
I can't cry. And I can't see.
what I've done. --Oh God, what have I done?
And I poured my heart out. I poured my heart out.
It evaporated...
See?"
--Ben Folds Five, "Evaporated".
I signed my life away today. Let me explain.
Yesterday my friends Ilene, my gay son Mat, his boyfirend Nick, all told me they were trying like hell to move into a nice two-bedroom townhome in Salinas this weekend because Ilene (who currently lives outside of Oakland) starts work in Salinas on Monday. I said I would do whatever I could to help them, because that is how I roll (in the mutha-fuckin' Shire!). Then this morning, I randomly woke up early (for me, that means anytime before 1pm, but today it was at about ten after 9am.) and i called them peoples to see what they were doing in their neck of the woods. The landlord of the townhome was giving them the runaround, much to the dismay (and squirrelly wrath!)of evveryone and me. So I asked if there was anything I could do to help.
Mat told me that they were looking into another promicing deal on the Noth side (by where my dad lives and the big mall is), but that it was a time-sensitive offer and the only thing currently available for their price was a 3 bedroom, 2 bath appartment. And then Mat asked me if I was willing to throw in my good name and $200 per month (starting at the end of this month) and go live with them.
I told them I would need to think about it, discuss it with my mom (who is also my current landlord) and see this appartment. He understood that. so I hung up and wished them luck and lay back down only to think, "Today is going to be a good day for me."
So a few weeks ago, randomly, I was feeling down so I took myself out to lunch at the local (here in Hollister) Starbucks. where I happened to overhear a small group talking about self-publishing and promoting. Figuring that Fortune favors the Bold, I inturrupted and asked to join in on their discussion. They happilly and surprisingly accepted me and we had an immediate meeting of the minds, arranging for me to have an editor, a publishing agent/ merchandising representative and an artist for my graphic novel. I got contact info and shook hands and took names, then went home and got to emailing my stuff right away.
So after talking to Mat and Nick and Ilene, I figured, What the Hell, and called that editor and artist guy. And they were free, so we met at the same Starbucks, and had a little meeting of the minds again, got some preliminary work done and set up regualr meetings and still more emails. they are just as excited about working with me on this project as I am to be writing it.
Then Mat and Ilene picked me up. We had a really good talk, about my concerns, finances, ideas and my relationship drama. Then we went off to see the (wizard!) appartment. I really loved it. I liked the chill atmosphere and the landlord and the vaulted ceiling and fireplace. It was nice. Mat and Ilene and I lived together for only a few patchy months in Livermoore a few years ago, so we knew we could do it without killing each other. And they needed me.
I needed me.
so I sigened the paper and all together we passed the credit check. We got that appartment. I have a home. With my closest friends. In the town I grew up in, walking distance from work and only 2 miles away from my dad's house. Less from my buddy Jake's house. I've been meaning to spend more time with both of them. anyway, now all we have to do is break it to my mom, my dad, Dani, my brother, change of adress form, actually move all our crap, and live our lives.
I get to live my life. On my terms. Starting today.
i know I'm not magically all better now or anything, but peice by peice, I am getting closer to fine.
here I stand. Sad and Free.
I can't cry. And I can't see.
what I've done. --Oh God, what have I done?
And I poured my heart out. I poured my heart out.
It evaporated...
See?"
--Ben Folds Five, "Evaporated".
I signed my life away today. Let me explain.
Yesterday my friends Ilene, my gay son Mat, his boyfirend Nick, all told me they were trying like hell to move into a nice two-bedroom townhome in Salinas this weekend because Ilene (who currently lives outside of Oakland) starts work in Salinas on Monday. I said I would do whatever I could to help them, because that is how I roll (in the mutha-fuckin' Shire!). Then this morning, I randomly woke up early (for me, that means anytime before 1pm, but today it was at about ten after 9am.) and i called them peoples to see what they were doing in their neck of the woods. The landlord of the townhome was giving them the runaround, much to the dismay (and squirrelly wrath!)of evveryone and me. So I asked if there was anything I could do to help.
Mat told me that they were looking into another promicing deal on the Noth side (by where my dad lives and the big mall is), but that it was a time-sensitive offer and the only thing currently available for their price was a 3 bedroom, 2 bath appartment. And then Mat asked me if I was willing to throw in my good name and $200 per month (starting at the end of this month) and go live with them.
I told them I would need to think about it, discuss it with my mom (who is also my current landlord) and see this appartment. He understood that. so I hung up and wished them luck and lay back down only to think, "Today is going to be a good day for me."
So a few weeks ago, randomly, I was feeling down so I took myself out to lunch at the local (here in Hollister) Starbucks. where I happened to overhear a small group talking about self-publishing and promoting. Figuring that Fortune favors the Bold, I inturrupted and asked to join in on their discussion. They happilly and surprisingly accepted me and we had an immediate meeting of the minds, arranging for me to have an editor, a publishing agent/ merchandising representative and an artist for my graphic novel. I got contact info and shook hands and took names, then went home and got to emailing my stuff right away.
So after talking to Mat and Nick and Ilene, I figured, What the Hell, and called that editor and artist guy. And they were free, so we met at the same Starbucks, and had a little meeting of the minds again, got some preliminary work done and set up regualr meetings and still more emails. they are just as excited about working with me on this project as I am to be writing it.
Then Mat and Ilene picked me up. We had a really good talk, about my concerns, finances, ideas and my relationship drama. Then we went off to see the (wizard!) appartment. I really loved it. I liked the chill atmosphere and the landlord and the vaulted ceiling and fireplace. It was nice. Mat and Ilene and I lived together for only a few patchy months in Livermoore a few years ago, so we knew we could do it without killing each other. And they needed me.
I needed me.
so I sigened the paper and all together we passed the credit check. We got that appartment. I have a home. With my closest friends. In the town I grew up in, walking distance from work and only 2 miles away from my dad's house. Less from my buddy Jake's house. I've been meaning to spend more time with both of them. anyway, now all we have to do is break it to my mom, my dad, Dani, my brother, change of adress form, actually move all our crap, and live our lives.
I get to live my life. On my terms. Starting today.
i know I'm not magically all better now or anything, but peice by peice, I am getting closer to fine.