who I am hates who I've been
I forgot in my new computer bliss to post my announcement of engagement to Dan, officially. We only have a year to plan, after all.
Then yesterday was our friend and temporary roommate Jill's 18th birthday. What these things have to do with each other is that I don't know myself nearly as well as I used to think I did. I did some things that hurt him and in all likelyhood, hurt our relationship. I was inconsitterate and selfish and caught up in a moment, backsliding to old, silly, slutty little behaviors. This time, instead of fighting, we just talked. We had a really great, healthy, long talk.
He told me in no uncertain terms what our options and his feelings were. He asked me if Iwanted to change the dynamic of the relationship, to open it up, or take a break, or end it now, on good terms. Or we could do nothing at all, but I could keep trying and together, maybe it would work itself out.
We talked about trust and about past and predictability. Most of all, we talked about how neither one of us knows for sure whether or not we are meant to be together, in the long run. I know I love him and I never want to leave. I believe he feels the same. But it's not what it was in the beginning. He was relieved when I said that I wanted to keep things as they have been, keep trying, keep the date set as is. Chock it up to stress, to life, to circomstance or bad health or the normal cycle of change, but if we're not happy, if we're not sure, then how do we go on?
All either of us has ever wanted was a love that was meant to be, a person sent to them by their chosen diety. But suffice to say that having been so sure, then proven wrong before, has made me a bit more than gunshy.
We communicate in completely different ways, all the time, so it seems ever more like we can't truly "get" each other. We hardly spend more than a day without a miscommunication or misunderstanding, and it is not for lack of trying. To use my obligitory Joss Wheadon refference, whenever I open my mouth around him, I feel like River Tam, trying to express some abstract vision, every word making perfect sence to me, but to him, just sobbing jibberish comes out. Every relationship I've ever had was easier, but that doesn't make it better.
I know Dan loves me. Just as I know how much he wants to get married and raise a family. But I'm not crazy to think that those two things should allign for the right reasons. No one deserves to settle.
Maybe it's just rough waters right now and with time, we'll get to know each other better and our love will heal. But is that enough? It has to be enough. I have to be enough.
Then yesterday was our friend and temporary roommate Jill's 18th birthday. What these things have to do with each other is that I don't know myself nearly as well as I used to think I did. I did some things that hurt him and in all likelyhood, hurt our relationship. I was inconsitterate and selfish and caught up in a moment, backsliding to old, silly, slutty little behaviors. This time, instead of fighting, we just talked. We had a really great, healthy, long talk.
He told me in no uncertain terms what our options and his feelings were. He asked me if Iwanted to change the dynamic of the relationship, to open it up, or take a break, or end it now, on good terms. Or we could do nothing at all, but I could keep trying and together, maybe it would work itself out.
We talked about trust and about past and predictability. Most of all, we talked about how neither one of us knows for sure whether or not we are meant to be together, in the long run. I know I love him and I never want to leave. I believe he feels the same. But it's not what it was in the beginning. He was relieved when I said that I wanted to keep things as they have been, keep trying, keep the date set as is. Chock it up to stress, to life, to circomstance or bad health or the normal cycle of change, but if we're not happy, if we're not sure, then how do we go on?
All either of us has ever wanted was a love that was meant to be, a person sent to them by their chosen diety. But suffice to say that having been so sure, then proven wrong before, has made me a bit more than gunshy.
We communicate in completely different ways, all the time, so it seems ever more like we can't truly "get" each other. We hardly spend more than a day without a miscommunication or misunderstanding, and it is not for lack of trying. To use my obligitory Joss Wheadon refference, whenever I open my mouth around him, I feel like River Tam, trying to express some abstract vision, every word making perfect sence to me, but to him, just sobbing jibberish comes out. Every relationship I've ever had was easier, but that doesn't make it better.
I know Dan loves me. Just as I know how much he wants to get married and raise a family. But I'm not crazy to think that those two things should allign for the right reasons. No one deserves to settle.
Maybe it's just rough waters right now and with time, we'll get to know each other better and our love will heal. But is that enough? It has to be enough. I have to be enough.