Existential Chrisis Narrowly Averted
So yesterday I was a total Emo kid, left to my own devices, writing crappy poetry, watching sad ass romantic "comedies" and alternating between crying and masturbating when not phoning friends for moral support. I only wish I were exaggerating.
So my very good friend whom I most often refer to as my adult son, Oed, finally gave me a call and we talked about my Existential crisis involving Dust and my weird feeling now that money is not something I will have to stress so much about. And Oed said to me
"Wait, so you were planning on going on vacation to meet a guy you have a monster crush on during the time when the most possible shit would be hitting the fan in his life and coincidentally, the most emotionally vulnerable you'll be all year AND you thought this was a Good Idea? You need to learn the difference between what's good for you and what's clearly not."
"Don't forget," I added, "That it would have been a working vacation at the Fetish shop where on the one hand I'll have lots of fun and be surrounded by my dearest friends, while on the other hand, I would be back working with my ex-boyfriend who stopped talking to me almost a year ago."
"Yeah, that's not a happy vacation."
"You're a very smart man, Oed. And a great friend. Thank you." So we said our "I love you"s and hung up and I went back to watching movies and writing and missing my Sissy. I emailed Dust a copy of yesterday's post and he mailed me back this morning saying that we aren't likely to be separate forever and to just hang in there. He's a smart young man and a good friend too.
In the midst of all this, when I was genuinely feeling better, I had a text message argument with my pal Philthy. We've been friends for 6 years. I spent a week at his house in San Jose last month (or was it 2 months ago now?) and we were really emo kids together. We drank a lot, watched a lot of cartoons, cried over our respective exes, beat the crap out of each other and ourselves, laughed about it later and had a lot of sex. Really dirty, angry, good sex.
And so now Philthy treats me bad, because (a) he's terrified of ever trusting any woman for any reason ever again, even if it is me, one of his most loyal and reliable friends. And (b) he knows he can, because I still want to be his friend and I still want to have sex with him. So we're stuck; we're both using the other person and trying to pretend that nothing in our friendship has changed. Neither one of us is willing to be vulnerable to the other, but we know enough to know that that's the game.
So we argue about who knows more about the other and who's really in danger of getting their feelings hurt, and ultimately over who are the biggest liars: Men or Women. Nobody really wins the fight, but I always get in the last word. Philthy just texted me to tell me how hungover he is. I laughed.
I told him last night that I stole something that none of the previous girls ever had. He told me he gave them everything he had: hope, love, trust, empathy, safety. But I did use the word "Stole". Because what I took from him, he never even knew he had. I'm ruthless and selfish. I'm a collector and evaluator. I don't want a heart or a body or a mind. So what does that leave me?
So my very good friend whom I most often refer to as my adult son, Oed, finally gave me a call and we talked about my Existential crisis involving Dust and my weird feeling now that money is not something I will have to stress so much about. And Oed said to me
"Wait, so you were planning on going on vacation to meet a guy you have a monster crush on during the time when the most possible shit would be hitting the fan in his life and coincidentally, the most emotionally vulnerable you'll be all year AND you thought this was a Good Idea? You need to learn the difference between what's good for you and what's clearly not."
"Don't forget," I added, "That it would have been a working vacation at the Fetish shop where on the one hand I'll have lots of fun and be surrounded by my dearest friends, while on the other hand, I would be back working with my ex-boyfriend who stopped talking to me almost a year ago."
"Yeah, that's not a happy vacation."
"You're a very smart man, Oed. And a great friend. Thank you." So we said our "I love you"s and hung up and I went back to watching movies and writing and missing my Sissy. I emailed Dust a copy of yesterday's post and he mailed me back this morning saying that we aren't likely to be separate forever and to just hang in there. He's a smart young man and a good friend too.
In the midst of all this, when I was genuinely feeling better, I had a text message argument with my pal Philthy. We've been friends for 6 years. I spent a week at his house in San Jose last month (or was it 2 months ago now?) and we were really emo kids together. We drank a lot, watched a lot of cartoons, cried over our respective exes, beat the crap out of each other and ourselves, laughed about it later and had a lot of sex. Really dirty, angry, good sex.
And so now Philthy treats me bad, because (a) he's terrified of ever trusting any woman for any reason ever again, even if it is me, one of his most loyal and reliable friends. And (b) he knows he can, because I still want to be his friend and I still want to have sex with him. So we're stuck; we're both using the other person and trying to pretend that nothing in our friendship has changed. Neither one of us is willing to be vulnerable to the other, but we know enough to know that that's the game.
So we argue about who knows more about the other and who's really in danger of getting their feelings hurt, and ultimately over who are the biggest liars: Men or Women. Nobody really wins the fight, but I always get in the last word. Philthy just texted me to tell me how hungover he is. I laughed.
I told him last night that I stole something that none of the previous girls ever had. He told me he gave them everything he had: hope, love, trust, empathy, safety. But I did use the word "Stole". Because what I took from him, he never even knew he had. I'm ruthless and selfish. I'm a collector and evaluator. I don't want a heart or a body or a mind. So what does that leave me?