(no subject)
By all accounts, I should be doing much better now. But I only fel weird and lonesome, out of place, like all the world's missing left socks. I feel weaker these past few days than I have in such a long while. Fatigued is the word. I feel as bold, as spiritually open as ever and the easy silence of my life comes and goes in shifts of comforting to terribly stifling. I've had night terrors and epiphanies, insomnia and long party nights. I have been a good friend, a better sister, a faithful and supportive daughter. And my mentor has ceased all comunication with me. My exhusband only speaks to me in short bursts of business or finance. I am hardly recognizable as the girl once I was. I have no idea how to feel about that.
I'm 24 and I can't live the life I dreamed of back when I was 19, mostly because I wore it all out when I was 21 and 22. I need a new plan. But, really that's all in place and I need to just be patient. I tied a little blue bead around my throat. I swore that it would only come off when I found a man (Note: not a boy) who would be brave enough to take it from me.
Every day I wake up to the sound of my phone telling me I have a new text message from my friend Tom in Phoenix. He tells me every morning that he loves me and he's home safe from annother night working the graveyard shift at his local Quick-mart. I adore Tom as my dear friend, but he is the very definition of a Boy, plus he reminds me too eerily of myself at his age (19/20). So I don't love him. I never will. Not the way he wants me to.
My Friend Queer Scott in Livermore wants to set me up with absolutely every single thing he knows, mostly old-school dykes and collage boys. He's even been somewhat successful thus far, but I don't want to be intimate with these humans. I wanted them to feel my pain, and now that terrible need has dissipated and died. So I'm left sad and free, evaporated. My roommates must go on with me being hyper and Emo and non-smoking and usually drinking heavily.
I go out, I sing and dance, I flirt, but more often I am flirted with, and that's all fine and good. At my job at the hardware store in a very small podunk town, about twice a day I'll see a few different types of guys, all ages and sizes, who I find attractive for their own reasons. Some smell great, or have bright eyes, dress well or are very kind, are athletic or traditionally handsome. I never speak out of turn or act any less than totally professional and none of them seem to see me at all anyway.
Today, a man came in with his son who must have been in his late teens to early 20s, but it was all hard to say. I couldn't pick the dad, who spoke to me and changed moneys with me, out of a crucial lineup, but the young man. He was the single most physically attractive male I have ever seen, in accordance with my tastes and history. This stranger was the accumulated definition of ideals I collected over all my lifetimes, he was the one, superficially speaking. I was so taken by him that I felt faint. And when He left, I felt physically ill. So pained by this encounter was I that I never really recovered my wits the rest of the work day.Even now I am sad that I did not say anything that might have left some impression. And I know that I will never see him again in my life.
I am not afraid of death because I have faced it. I am not afraid of poverty becase I have faced it. I am still deeply afraid of being alone, but I am facing it. I don't care what you say, I won't stay in a world without love.
I'm 24 and I can't live the life I dreamed of back when I was 19, mostly because I wore it all out when I was 21 and 22. I need a new plan. But, really that's all in place and I need to just be patient. I tied a little blue bead around my throat. I swore that it would only come off when I found a man (Note: not a boy) who would be brave enough to take it from me.
Every day I wake up to the sound of my phone telling me I have a new text message from my friend Tom in Phoenix. He tells me every morning that he loves me and he's home safe from annother night working the graveyard shift at his local Quick-mart. I adore Tom as my dear friend, but he is the very definition of a Boy, plus he reminds me too eerily of myself at his age (19/20). So I don't love him. I never will. Not the way he wants me to.
My Friend Queer Scott in Livermore wants to set me up with absolutely every single thing he knows, mostly old-school dykes and collage boys. He's even been somewhat successful thus far, but I don't want to be intimate with these humans. I wanted them to feel my pain, and now that terrible need has dissipated and died. So I'm left sad and free, evaporated. My roommates must go on with me being hyper and Emo and non-smoking and usually drinking heavily.
I go out, I sing and dance, I flirt, but more often I am flirted with, and that's all fine and good. At my job at the hardware store in a very small podunk town, about twice a day I'll see a few different types of guys, all ages and sizes, who I find attractive for their own reasons. Some smell great, or have bright eyes, dress well or are very kind, are athletic or traditionally handsome. I never speak out of turn or act any less than totally professional and none of them seem to see me at all anyway.
Today, a man came in with his son who must have been in his late teens to early 20s, but it was all hard to say. I couldn't pick the dad, who spoke to me and changed moneys with me, out of a crucial lineup, but the young man. He was the single most physically attractive male I have ever seen, in accordance with my tastes and history. This stranger was the accumulated definition of ideals I collected over all my lifetimes, he was the one, superficially speaking. I was so taken by him that I felt faint. And when He left, I felt physically ill. So pained by this encounter was I that I never really recovered my wits the rest of the work day.Even now I am sad that I did not say anything that might have left some impression. And I know that I will never see him again in my life.
I am not afraid of death because I have faced it. I am not afraid of poverty becase I have faced it. I am still deeply afraid of being alone, but I am facing it. I don't care what you say, I won't stay in a world without love.