quaw
I'm at an odd but good transitional point right now. I have two new family members essencially. I have my roommate, Chris, who I've been talking to about my mixed bag of feelings lately-- then I have my Husband's lover/ girlfriend/ paramour in annother state, waiting for us to come live there too. Whether or not Chris comes with Lee and I when we move away and whatever happens between Lee and his new love, these people are a permanant part of the tapestry of my life now. I have never been one particularly afraid of change nor do I believe myself to be a jealous person, but these thigs have been on my mind as of late. While Lee and the other enter the first flush of a great romance, Lee and I are at a rare and delicate place when we are at once becoming more indipendant and needing more comfort or intimacy due to all sorts of midigating factors.
And meanwhile, I have come to face that I don't have any want for extranious romantic relations right now. I still care a great deal about my most recent boyfriend, but find myself nolonger able to be with him on any real level. I hate for this to sound cold, but we're both just way too busy even for our own seperate marriges, let alone a new relationship with each other. I do not wish to cause him pain or be any kind of threat or impedement to his relationship with his wife. So, no polygamy for me afterall. There are persons to whom I am strongly physically attracted, but because I don't find myself capable of any real emotional output at present, I can't in good conscience just ask one out in selfish intent. Yet this very idea was how my relationship with Lee began almost 3 years ago. Love does only come when unbidden.
Without biterness or regret or judgement, I am divided in my wants and emotional/ spiritual needs right now. Half wants to pursue joy and freedom and the kind of selfish yet responsible hedonism that I had when I turned 21 (it was a very good year afterall), and half of me wishes to return to a more traditional and far less complicated standard or marriage; to be with and only with the man who is my husband. I can't expect to really have my cake and eat off everybody elses' plates too. What to choose?
I can't help but feel that I've gotten all that I ever wished for and now I don't know what to do with it.
I got a great job that pays more to start than I've ever made before and has full benifets and discounts on food and gas for my household. I have wonderfull friends and a family/ support system that loves me and only wants more time with me. I have been married to the one person who truly was made for me for almost a year now. I have enough time to write, go out, game and plenty of stories to tell. I get the big picture and I am thankful, but I still need to fill in some short term blanks before I can move on to bigger and better things. Everything external is in place. Now I have to prove how well I know myself.
And meanwhile, I have come to face that I don't have any want for extranious romantic relations right now. I still care a great deal about my most recent boyfriend, but find myself nolonger able to be with him on any real level. I hate for this to sound cold, but we're both just way too busy even for our own seperate marriges, let alone a new relationship with each other. I do not wish to cause him pain or be any kind of threat or impedement to his relationship with his wife. So, no polygamy for me afterall. There are persons to whom I am strongly physically attracted, but because I don't find myself capable of any real emotional output at present, I can't in good conscience just ask one out in selfish intent. Yet this very idea was how my relationship with Lee began almost 3 years ago. Love does only come when unbidden.
Without biterness or regret or judgement, I am divided in my wants and emotional/ spiritual needs right now. Half wants to pursue joy and freedom and the kind of selfish yet responsible hedonism that I had when I turned 21 (it was a very good year afterall), and half of me wishes to return to a more traditional and far less complicated standard or marriage; to be with and only with the man who is my husband. I can't expect to really have my cake and eat off everybody elses' plates too. What to choose?
I can't help but feel that I've gotten all that I ever wished for and now I don't know what to do with it.
I got a great job that pays more to start than I've ever made before and has full benifets and discounts on food and gas for my household. I have wonderfull friends and a family/ support system that loves me and only wants more time with me. I have been married to the one person who truly was made for me for almost a year now. I have enough time to write, go out, game and plenty of stories to tell. I get the big picture and I am thankful, but I still need to fill in some short term blanks before I can move on to bigger and better things. Everything external is in place. Now I have to prove how well I know myself.