if I just breathe...it'll fill the space between...

[vsecret19]

So, last night was fun. I went to the chicken lounge with the girls. We had a good time. I think we finally found a hang out spot with coed interaction which is really exciting. lol. We decided it's the place to be late at night. However, I don't know how often we can take these trips considering that I walked into the room and my roommate could smell the smoke off of me before I even walked through the door. gross. Now, everything smells, including my pj's and my sheets. But, I'm waiting on washing them cuz we're going out for another fun filled extravaganza on Friday night. Glow Bowling! (that was my cool event that I planned for our *fraternity*)....anyways..yeah....so last night really helped to brighten my mood..seeing as yesterday was definitely not the best day ever. I dunno, usually I can pick myself back up from things like this. Usually, when I'm really sad it doesn't last for any more than a week before I snap myself out of it. This time I just can't seem to do it, and I feel like the longer it goes on, the more destructive it is. I don't know what happened to me. I don't know what happened to the person that I used to be, the person that I used to respect. Lately, I've just had a really difficult time thinking about anything I like about myself. I miss being light-hearted. I miss feeling pretty on occasion (even if we do go to an all girl's school.) And, on top of this...there's school. School was and always has been the one thing for me to fall back on. When everything else in my life was going crazy, I have always kept up my grades. Christ, when my father died I still got straight As. Everything I've been getting back lately has been like a C, and it's just because I'm walking around in a daze. I never had to force myself to study before. I would do it because I knew it was important to me. Now, I am literally having battles with myself to get myself to sit down and do homework, and when I finally do it takes me twice as long because I can't concentrate. I keep thinking about why things have turned out the way they have, or why I still feel like this. Then, it just turns into this emotional event, and I want to do nothing more then avoid it. I would be okay if I never thought about it. People keep saying that: "just get your mind on something else." And, lemme tell you...I've always been able to switch gears that easily with school, but I can't this time. I just want to scream at myself...."snap out of it Vic...you can do this...you're fine. You're perfectly fine." I keep trying to tell myself that..."I'm fine. I'm great. I'm going to be okay..." I told myself that the whole way back to my dorm last night while I was crying my eyes out in the dark. I just want to figure out what to do. It's not anyone's responsibility but mine at this point. I dug myself in here, and I've got to dig myself out....but how the hell do you do that? I am taking suggestions.

P.S.--to my friends---you guys are truly amazing...Lyss, Stef, Brie, Syd, Chels, Patti...You have been my saving grace in all of this. I cannot thank you enough for listening and lending me a shoulder to cry on. I want you to know that I love you guys so much, and even in times when there's a million things going through my head....how much I appreciate you all is never one that I forget about. xoxo