I've been hurt...way too many times...

[vrtxriker]

Yeah, I guess I feel like I'm losing my motivation. I've lost the magic that was why I went into the little temple I built myself to get rid of all the mess in my life. I no longer want to strive for any goals. I need to change this. I'm just kinda in there with the weights, it's not the same intensity I used to have not too long ago. It just doesn't mean anything anymore, but I need to find it again. I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. The whole change with my body was never really for me, it was nice to think that, but I knew different. It was a need to impress the opposite sex sort of like a sick weird goal. I thought that if I changed my exterior it would change everything. It's never really been for me and I need to change that again. At first it was because I knew I was overweight and I'd never get the girls that I wanted. So it was all for this one girl. She started me off about a year and a half ago and then we had our rough points and it hurt, but I found another girl sorta and well I pushed myself even further. I knew her for a semester and I knew I had no chance, but it was a goal that I saw every other day and it pushed me not to mess up but just improve. And it was awesome. I saw her boyfriend and I was determined to beat him at everything. He was thinner than me and probably better looking, otherwise why would she be with him. So I got a little upset at myself and I pushed again. Anyway it was back to the girl that I talked for so long on the phone who only wanted to be friends, cuz I was nice, in other words, "I am ugly", well that's what I think that means, cuz it's only the nice ugly guys who are the friends only....I found out that it doesn't matter. There will always be one guy who is better looking than you will ever be. It's the given, but it don't matter, you can't just let yourself go to shit, it's the fact of life. She threw me and that year and a half of a "friendship" like a piece of paper. It really hurts to think about it, but she hasn't returned my calls and I'm really struggling with it right now, I can't figure out what I did or anything. All I did was put my heart on my sleeve and I let her know how I felt. It hurts, but it's weird too. No matter how much work you put in, it can be all discarded. It's fucked up, but I'm working hard for my body and I wasn't blessed with perfect genetics but to know that it could all just be thrown away for someone who they think is "cute". It hurts, but that's life and I guess I'll live. I just need to find the magic again. You'd think that this anger would be enough, but I'm typically not an angry guy. I need to stop doing this for other people and I'm just gonna get away from love for a while. I don't want to be hurt so bad where all the goodness will just die. I'm saving that for someone special. I'll find her, but no time soon. I think I just need a goal that I will see everyday. I might start recording myself and seeing where I fuck up, like make a documentary, we'll see where it goes. I'm also going to make it a plan to go to California this summer and hit on the white girls at the beach. Just to visit, but it'll be fun as hell. I got the money already. Of course, I'm gonna have my six pack by then. I'm coming along better than ever, I just had a bad week and I need to get over the emotional slump. I'm stronger than that. I just want closure, just to handle it like adults. I just need to vent, I'll be ok. I'm just frustrated and I need to go running again. I miss that. Fuck this shit, I'm Out! I'm gonna hit the weights, ride the bike and run a little, if I still can. I'm frustrated I need to be tired tonight. I don't want to do something stupid because I'm not thinking so I will go out right now. Later peeps, thanks for listening. One more thing, I think I want to build myself a new weight room. My neighbor is bothered by the loud music and I just want to build one a little further near DIXON so I won't piss anyone off. I'm sorry, but that's how I relieve my tension. I will leave now. I hate today! I hate this shit! I'm going out to California, road trip style with my cousin. Soon, I'll be there promise. I need to do this! Later!

Wait for me to move out west,
Counting down the days til California comes!
Damn white girls!