I Feel Like Such an Asshole
Tonight I got phone cornered by both Emily and Daniel on the phone at the same time.
I had made a comment to my mom at the end of the year about how Daniel farts at the library, shows his half-shaven chest and how it digusts me. It bothers me, but not to a point where I want to shoot him.
Yesterday, as it came to my knowledge today, my mom was talking with Emily and telling her all of this. Then at the dinner table back up at Emily's house she brings up how I don't care about him and think that he's a disgusting piece of shit. Emily's mother basically tells Daniel that she doesn't believe how she raised such a kid. Something to that effect.
So I get a phone call from Emily and where Daniel barges in asking me how I feel about him. When I tell him that I don't hate him, but still think that he's disgusting, he hangs up and I keep on talking with Emily.
Daniel then calls me later saying how embarassed he is that I won't even admit that we're friends. We end up arguing back and forth. He started telling me that he can't even believe that I can't even admit to Emily that we even associate outside of the times that I see him at the house.
I don't know... no matter how much I pretend that I hate Daniel, no matter what there's still this huge part of me that cares about him a lot. Not even in a romantic way. It's gone to the point where Emily and I don't talk as much as I do with him, yet I still act harsh to him. I know where the negativity towards him is coming from, but everything in our past between us was relayed between Emily. I didn't want to tell anyone about us so that Emily wouldn't get angry at me, but that ended up causing more conflict because any information that I had about him was through her. I know I really shouldn't care. I feel like I always put on this front where I pretend he's my biggest enemy in the world. He's really not. I do care about Daniel a lot. He's gross and childish, but he's part of my history that I can't erase.
I care about him. I can't even lie about it.