Introverts and Manners
Social Anxiety seems to be a popular problem these days. I am not so disturbed by strangers that I require a diagnosis or medication, but I am not fond of having to deal with people I don't know well in person (or over the phone) and the more personal the reason I must deal with a person I don't know well the less happy I am. This has actually improved since I was a child, I was almost 10 before I looked a non-family member in the eye. Touch also makes me uncomfortable unless it is someone I know very well.
I have found something that makes me much less anxious when I must deal with strangers. A lot of my fear is that I will say or do the wrong thing and upset them, or that they will ask awkward personal questions. Both of these worries can be answered if I just follow the program outlined by Judith Martian, who is more popularly known by Miss Manners.
Manners get a bad rap because some people play "gotcha" games with things like forks. This misses the point, manners are about taking the big confusing universe of possible reactions and behavior and giving everyone a few default choices that will allow people to get along with each other without too much worry about the right thing to do.
I think there is a reason there is more social anxiety in an age where young men and women do not have lessons that teach them how to interact with each other without conflict. I think people who have natural charm and are people people get by anyway on the force of personality and charm, but in largely abandoning things like formal introductions we have also lot a safety net for the person who is not at ease and might need someone else to help them meet someone.
I really think that simple sets of rule for relating to people in a shared cultural environment is a darn good thing, and making them explicit is a boon to those of use who might miss social signals. Please, don't deny me having a way to know what to do next in the name of being natural. I am naturally scared.
I have found something that makes me much less anxious when I must deal with strangers. A lot of my fear is that I will say or do the wrong thing and upset them, or that they will ask awkward personal questions. Both of these worries can be answered if I just follow the program outlined by Judith Martian, who is more popularly known by Miss Manners.
Manners get a bad rap because some people play "gotcha" games with things like forks. This misses the point, manners are about taking the big confusing universe of possible reactions and behavior and giving everyone a few default choices that will allow people to get along with each other without too much worry about the right thing to do.
I think there is a reason there is more social anxiety in an age where young men and women do not have lessons that teach them how to interact with each other without conflict. I think people who have natural charm and are people people get by anyway on the force of personality and charm, but in largely abandoning things like formal introductions we have also lot a safety net for the person who is not at ease and might need someone else to help them meet someone.
I really think that simple sets of rule for relating to people in a shared cultural environment is a darn good thing, and making them explicit is a boon to those of use who might miss social signals. Please, don't deny me having a way to know what to do next in the name of being natural. I am naturally scared.