Ah, life.
In advance: this post is an attempt for me to sort out how I'm feeling right now, so don't expect anything particularly enthralling, or necessarily sane in any way.
I don't think I've ever mourned the loss of nature as much as I have today. I was walking home from class not too long ago, and more than anything I felt like walking through a forest, finding a place overlooking some water, and just sitting down to think. Solitude sounds very appealing right now, a chance to be entirely alone and work out how I feel about things, and it's just not available anywhere around here.
How I feel - there's a question. I'm frustrated right now, at feeling so helpless to do anything, so unable to be there for the people (or person, whatever) I care about. I'm sure she's doing fine, and I know she doesn't need me there, but I still feel like I should be doing something, and I can't. It's a family thing, and I'm not enough a part of that to invite myself in...
So I'm feeling isolated too, from everything that's really important. I'm going through my normal life while everything's changing, and it hurts. I can't explain why it hurts, but it does. And I feel like if I can't be where it matters, I shouldn't be doing anything else either. I shouldn't be talking to people like nothing's wrong, or playing games or writing tests. But if I don't, I'm just going to sit here and dwell on it, and that's not going to help either.
So I just want to walk somewhere, entirely alone, and sit in peace. I don't want to see other people on the streets, I don't want the reminder of the fact that everything that's so important is also so irrelevent...especially when it feels so...poignant.
I dunno. Instead, I'll sit here in my room and try to distract myself.
I don't think I've ever mourned the loss of nature as much as I have today. I was walking home from class not too long ago, and more than anything I felt like walking through a forest, finding a place overlooking some water, and just sitting down to think. Solitude sounds very appealing right now, a chance to be entirely alone and work out how I feel about things, and it's just not available anywhere around here.
How I feel - there's a question. I'm frustrated right now, at feeling so helpless to do anything, so unable to be there for the people (or person, whatever) I care about. I'm sure she's doing fine, and I know she doesn't need me there, but I still feel like I should be doing something, and I can't. It's a family thing, and I'm not enough a part of that to invite myself in...
So I'm feeling isolated too, from everything that's really important. I'm going through my normal life while everything's changing, and it hurts. I can't explain why it hurts, but it does. And I feel like if I can't be where it matters, I shouldn't be doing anything else either. I shouldn't be talking to people like nothing's wrong, or playing games or writing tests. But if I don't, I'm just going to sit here and dwell on it, and that's not going to help either.
So I just want to walk somewhere, entirely alone, and sit in peace. I don't want to see other people on the streets, I don't want the reminder of the fact that everything that's so important is also so irrelevent...especially when it feels so...poignant.
I dunno. Instead, I'll sit here in my room and try to distract myself.