(no subject)
This break has been disappointing...and for the most part, lonely. The weather's foul, and I have no discipline. Why the hell is it raining? Is it a reflection of my inner turmoil?
Ok, so it's not as dramatic as that. There has just been a lot of thinking.
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck, and everybody else is moving forward. I keep falling into the same traps, and I never seem to learn from my experiences. Real teenage-like, isn't it. Other times I think I see progress, but then I do something stupid that erases those thoughts.
Right now I don't know what's going on...am I trying to be somebody that I'm not? Or am I just not focused enough in working to be the person that I could be?
I finally realized (or rather, admitted) that I'm extremely impressionable. People's opinions and ideas matter to me, even when I consciously try to avoid being affected. Maybe cynicism is the key here.
On the other hand, very few compliments have a real effect on me. A friend has said once that we are all showered with so many compliments that when a genuine one comes up, we don't know what to do with it. I'm not saying that all the compliments that I receive are fake...it's just that I don't ever feel that I deserve them. Perhaps that just comes from the realization that I could always be doing better.
I think I've said this before, but really, I don't understand why people think so highly of me. If people knew me better, they would probably be disappointed. I think I'm pretty selfish. Perhaps I'm selling myself short, I don't know. I just see that everybody else has so much more going for them...more than just plain old brains. There are those of you who can think much deeper than me. There are those who have more of a direction in life. There are those who know exactly what they are living for. And there are those of you who have no idea what to do, but aren't afraid to admit it. There are those who are afraid...but still take life head on with resolve. Me...I just don't know. I complain too much...that's about it. I haven't changed anything. Even my previous writings about my maturity...how much is real? How much is actually delusion -- tricking myself into believing that I've actually grown? Maybe I'm being ironic. Maybe I shouldn't be thinking so highly of anybody either.
Isn't it about time to take action, Tim?
Will I take action for real this time?
Ok, so it's not as dramatic as that. There has just been a lot of thinking.
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck, and everybody else is moving forward. I keep falling into the same traps, and I never seem to learn from my experiences. Real teenage-like, isn't it. Other times I think I see progress, but then I do something stupid that erases those thoughts.
Right now I don't know what's going on...am I trying to be somebody that I'm not? Or am I just not focused enough in working to be the person that I could be?
I finally realized (or rather, admitted) that I'm extremely impressionable. People's opinions and ideas matter to me, even when I consciously try to avoid being affected. Maybe cynicism is the key here.
On the other hand, very few compliments have a real effect on me. A friend has said once that we are all showered with so many compliments that when a genuine one comes up, we don't know what to do with it. I'm not saying that all the compliments that I receive are fake...it's just that I don't ever feel that I deserve them. Perhaps that just comes from the realization that I could always be doing better.
I think I've said this before, but really, I don't understand why people think so highly of me. If people knew me better, they would probably be disappointed. I think I'm pretty selfish. Perhaps I'm selling myself short, I don't know. I just see that everybody else has so much more going for them...more than just plain old brains. There are those of you who can think much deeper than me. There are those who have more of a direction in life. There are those who know exactly what they are living for. And there are those of you who have no idea what to do, but aren't afraid to admit it. There are those who are afraid...but still take life head on with resolve. Me...I just don't know. I complain too much...that's about it. I haven't changed anything. Even my previous writings about my maturity...how much is real? How much is actually delusion -- tricking myself into believing that I've actually grown? Maybe I'm being ironic. Maybe I shouldn't be thinking so highly of anybody either.
Isn't it about time to take action, Tim?
Will I take action for real this time?