this is rough, dont read it if you dont want to know...everything
I don’t tell people about my problems when I have gone through more in the past five years then some people go through in their lives….because I’m afraid to be looked at as an attention whore.I think I'm becoming a stereotype, another goddamned statistic. The more I try to fix it, make myself original, what I was meant to be, the more I blend into the picture of typical victims of self abuse. The more I want to stop it from defining me, making me who I am, the more it devours me and claims me entirely.
My mom found out Christmas Eve my sophomore year. I choked in between sobs, hating myself for letting my family know how dirty I was. How could they love me if they knew I was ruined? My mother hurt me so badly that night. Not physically but with what she said….She to this day says it was a phase, something I was doing to hurt her…it had nothing to do with her, I was trying to get back to that base zero that clean slate….trying to cut it all out of me.
Instead, I started cutting myself. I think I was 13 when I first started my addiction with cutting. Along with that, I began stuffing my face with any food I could get my hands on… Pretty soon, I made myself throw up everything I ate. I hated school. It became a habit to throw up, that I soon couldn't eat because the food made me ill. I stopped the habit three years later.
High school came and it would be a brand new start for me. I'd be the person I was meant to be. The nerd I used to be, the perfect daughter that was obedient and never dare cussed. I didn't have any friends and the teasing started there too. Pretty soon, I hated high school. I was still a nerd, so I passed all my classes with above average grades.
But, hey, I graduated from high school. I even got into all the schools I wanted. I gained more weight over the summer. I failed to stick to my “diet” and went to Loyola weighing 188 lbs. Yuck, I know! That was just it! I couldn't take it! I was surrounded by these not only smart girls, but gorgeous ones too! How could I compete? The self esteem hit rock bottom. The cutting got 100 times worse than ever before and I started burning again when the cutting wasn't enough.
There it was so bad with guys all around me. Guys would come into our dorm room and I'd instantly tense up. My stomach would start turning and I'd turn cold.
So, I have lost some weight, I'll admit it. But, I'm still not content with myself. I stay away from guys, especially when I like them. I try not to get attached. I stopped cutting again….224 days ago. I still have nightmares about it and haven't fully recovered. I also still have big issues with my body. Lately, though, I've been focusing all my attention on myself and trying to figure things out, trying my hardest to recover and detach myself from the damn stereotypes and statistics. I haven't been suicidal for quite some time, which is a good sign. I'm really serious about the healing and maybe some day, I'll be able to help others like me. Its what I want to do with my life…I’m just not sure how I’m going to do all that yet.
My mom found out Christmas Eve my sophomore year. I choked in between sobs, hating myself for letting my family know how dirty I was. How could they love me if they knew I was ruined? My mother hurt me so badly that night. Not physically but with what she said….She to this day says it was a phase, something I was doing to hurt her…it had nothing to do with her, I was trying to get back to that base zero that clean slate….trying to cut it all out of me.
Instead, I started cutting myself. I think I was 13 when I first started my addiction with cutting. Along with that, I began stuffing my face with any food I could get my hands on… Pretty soon, I made myself throw up everything I ate. I hated school. It became a habit to throw up, that I soon couldn't eat because the food made me ill. I stopped the habit three years later.
High school came and it would be a brand new start for me. I'd be the person I was meant to be. The nerd I used to be, the perfect daughter that was obedient and never dare cussed. I didn't have any friends and the teasing started there too. Pretty soon, I hated high school. I was still a nerd, so I passed all my classes with above average grades.
But, hey, I graduated from high school. I even got into all the schools I wanted. I gained more weight over the summer. I failed to stick to my “diet” and went to Loyola weighing 188 lbs. Yuck, I know! That was just it! I couldn't take it! I was surrounded by these not only smart girls, but gorgeous ones too! How could I compete? The self esteem hit rock bottom. The cutting got 100 times worse than ever before and I started burning again when the cutting wasn't enough.
There it was so bad with guys all around me. Guys would come into our dorm room and I'd instantly tense up. My stomach would start turning and I'd turn cold.
So, I have lost some weight, I'll admit it. But, I'm still not content with myself. I stay away from guys, especially when I like them. I try not to get attached. I stopped cutting again….224 days ago. I still have nightmares about it and haven't fully recovered. I also still have big issues with my body. Lately, though, I've been focusing all my attention on myself and trying to figure things out, trying my hardest to recover and detach myself from the damn stereotypes and statistics. I haven't been suicidal for quite some time, which is a good sign. I'm really serious about the healing and maybe some day, I'll be able to help others like me. Its what I want to do with my life…I’m just not sure how I’m going to do all that yet.