(no subject)
Well, our little experiment* with putting mom in a nursing home is apparently a dismal failure. It seems there is no configuration of Safe/Healthy that also includes Happy. She's miserable there, and there are no alternatives that we/she can afford, and now she can't even comprehend that she needs any help at all**. My sister and I are coming to a decision on whether or not to send her back to Tennessee, right back in the same crummy apartment building that we just finished moving her out of, because there really aren't any alternatives. She is in complete denial about her (in)ability to take care of herself, and has started getting offended and insulted when we talk to her about her memory and health issues. She now thinks we think she's an idiot, and is taking it all quite personally. Never you mind what she thought about all of it a month ago when we moved her here (she agreed with us completely, and was excited for the change. She doesn't remember any of it now and thinks we're lying).
I had hoped that the move would make an improvement in her life and mine as well. We've never had a good relationship, and I had thought that having her closer and in better health would help facilitate salvaging our relationship. That's just not working out, and I'm really starting to wonder if there's anyone in there to actually make that connection with. The longer she's in the nursing home, the more rotten her mood is, and the more she takes it out on everyone else. As I said to my sister the other night, "Yeah, we may be saving her life, but who exactly are we saving it for?". Neither of us have a good answer. We're not saving it for her, because she's desperately miserable in that place. We're not saving it for us, because she's even harder to be around than she was in TN. All chances of redeeming our relationships with her have pretty much evaporated. I'm really starting to think that at least in this case, quality of life has to outweigh quantity. She's not physically able to make the choice to accept safety and health before happiness. It's only been a month, and I'm already exhausted by fighting her about it.
Kat has said that it's like she's on life support, technically alive, but not really "living". I can't really disagree...
Any thoughts, opinions, or suggestions - positive, negative, or other - would be greatly appreciated.
* it was in no way supposed to be an experiment.
** she's now convinced that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her, and that she can take perfect care of herself. She believes that she wouldn't need any sort of assisted living arrangement even if we could afford one.
I had hoped that the move would make an improvement in her life and mine as well. We've never had a good relationship, and I had thought that having her closer and in better health would help facilitate salvaging our relationship. That's just not working out, and I'm really starting to wonder if there's anyone in there to actually make that connection with. The longer she's in the nursing home, the more rotten her mood is, and the more she takes it out on everyone else. As I said to my sister the other night, "Yeah, we may be saving her life, but who exactly are we saving it for?". Neither of us have a good answer. We're not saving it for her, because she's desperately miserable in that place. We're not saving it for us, because she's even harder to be around than she was in TN. All chances of redeeming our relationships with her have pretty much evaporated. I'm really starting to think that at least in this case, quality of life has to outweigh quantity. She's not physically able to make the choice to accept safety and health before happiness. It's only been a month, and I'm already exhausted by fighting her about it.
Kat has said that it's like she's on life support, technically alive, but not really "living". I can't really disagree...
Any thoughts, opinions, or suggestions - positive, negative, or other - would be greatly appreciated.
* it was in no way supposed to be an experiment.
** she's now convinced that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her, and that she can take perfect care of herself. She believes that she wouldn't need any sort of assisted living arrangement even if we could afford one.