These past few weeks
I have been reacquainted with my alleged mental illnesses. I'm OK, not going to do anything stupid, but I remembered what it was that pushed me toward previous acts of desperation and managed to avoid them this time. I don't know what it is about this time of year, but for the last 4 or 5 this has been a shitty time of year for my emotional and mental stability. When people have been asking me how I am, I've been telling them to ask me next week, because I don't want to give an honest answer to that question, nor do I want to anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't need anyone's pity or sympathy. The purpose of this post is to put it out there and fess up, so to speak. (given that the last person I tried to unload all this on, bailed in the middle of the conversation without warning when I left the room, after they asked me to open up. This same person later told me they can't handle it, like it was that simple. Nonetheless, it opened a hole in the levee. I sat in the shower this morning for nearly 45 minutes, sobbing, no weeping, uncontrollably about no discernible thing. I couldn't stop it, which hasn't happened to me since my grandmother died.) I'm tired of feeling like I'm going to cry at any moment. I'm tired of feeling like my heart is being ripped out through my spine. I'm tired of feeling sick to my stomach every time I see my ex-girlfriend. I'm tired of this world stealing our poets and our prophets. I'm tired of waking up each morning alone and lonely. I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of being sober, and I'm tired of being drunk. I'm tired of my life, breathing seems like such an unnecessary chore these days. I found about a guy I went to high school with who killed himself last week and all I could think was "lucky bastard, wish I had the balls to pull that off." Again, not that I'm going to do that, but I understand what pushes someone to that point. I've been there, the universe had other plans for me. One day, I hope those plans will be revealed, and that all of this bullshit will at once seemed justified. Until then, I put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best. The people who I have friended here, all have a special place in my heart. Even the ones who may not remember me, I remember you and not a day goes by that I'm not grateful to know you all. like I said, no pity. no sympathy, just needed to get this off of my chest. be well. be safe. be good to each other. for those who will be in Madison, see you in couple weeks. For the rest of you, til next time...love peace and beats. IAND