Life Report
Goodness, a lot has gone on since I last posted. So much so that I felt I should post, if only to let you know. I do more random journal posts on my DA site, but I know there are a few of you out there that actually wonder what's going on in the life of the person behind the story (and the rest can know why I'm dragging on the next chapters).
My biological father died at the end of April very suddenly. He'd had throat cancer that he was nearly recovered from, but then he caught pneumonia and was put into a rehab facility to gain his strength as he healed. While getting his lung drained his heart stopped on the operating table. You know how you look so hard for a 'reason' to it all? I can't find one. I just hope his next journey is less bumpy than his life journey.
My adoptive father fell a couple of days before my biological father died. It was like... Actually, I think it was the night after I had posted my last update. He hit his head on the kitchen table and needed staples, as well as broke his wrist (all a direct result of his drinking). He's also suffering from pneumonia, and has gotten it... 4 times this winter, this Wednesday night being the forth. I noticed his temp was really low-- Seriously, wtf? I'm the one that noticed he was sick every single time, I'm the one that had to see him in a pool of blood on the floor when he fell, I'm the one that gets emotionally stepped on every time he opens his mouth. How can I try so hard to untangle myself from this destructive relationship and still be the person that's always there? How does that happen? D: This has to be the end result of my fucking compassionate nature. Do not be nice if you can't handle the crap consequences. Nothing is easy, especially when the ones you love only know how to respond negatively to your help (end rant). Anyways, he's been put into a rehab place to regain his strength (once reading the above, you can see why I'm nervous as all irrational fuck that something awful is going to happen to him there). His dementia has grown worse, and he needs 24/7 care (believe me, he doesn't make it easy). Because of this we're looking into moving this summer, but for the moment, my older brother and family will be moving into our house. I'm used to my isolation, so it will be quite a shock to have my sweet little nieces shrieking the house down (and they love to shriek... bang on doors... break things... >_> *shudders*). Adapt or die.
So emotionally, things have been insane recently. I'm good--probably more stable than I have ever been since my adoptive mother died in 2001--but this sort of shit will fuck up anyone for a good amount of time. I'm happy to say my depression hasn't returned, even in such trying times. I can't recall if I've mentioned this, but I stop taking my St. John's Wart back last summer, and although I had a long depression episode near the beginning of fall, ever since I've felt like a human being again. I get killer PMS now where I go a bit evil, but I think that's a good trade for weeks of fighting depression (although my family may not agree XD). I still can't hope that it will never return, but I can plan my future now with little fear of it crippling me again.
For those of you that have never felt depression (and I pray you never do) imagine all the people you love suddenly dying, you being locked up in a small, dark room that has no doors or windows, and your only company is an invisible, vicious being that continuously claws at your flesh and soul, destroying you from the inside out while it whispers how worthless and unloved you are until it's true. It a bit like that, but worse, since it's you. You're out in the sunshine around all the people you love, but they can't reach you because that little dark room has you locked up tight. You can't escape yourself-- no matter how strong you are, you can't stop what's happening to you, all you can do is ride it out and build up defenses in between attacks. Because it's an imbalance in the body, and not brought on by events, you can't cope with it like you can with substantial physical problems. So, although it may seem like my life is going to hell right now, this is nothing--this is easy!--after the years of hell I've been though. I'm not looking for a pity party today (maybe when dad comes home from rehab and starts making painful, irrational demands XD), I'm just letting you know what's going on. I'm prone to rants, but for the most part I'm okay, so don't you worry.
Oh, my job I had since... hell, I think I started it when I was in 8th grade, has quite suddenly, but not unexpectedly, been fazed out. New boss, new rules. I'm not crying over it. I need a change, and as much as I love some of the people there, it's not the same place it used to be since the old boss died in October. So I have to find a new source of steady income that can work around my hours taking care of my dad. Also, I'm looking to start up a legit art biz, focused on illustration and fine art. I also have some ideas for some original short stories I plan on writing (when I actually find some time). I'm lucky that I'm not in a place where I need money (although it's always nice) but I'm not naive, and the way things are going with a sick person in the household, money can become a big issue very fast. As of now I'm focusing on financial independence. I've passed the days of needing things; as long as I have my computers, a roof, food, and the occasional book and artbook, I'm happy with the world. If things go bad it will have to change to supporting the household instead. Either way, I'm prepared to deal with that when it comes.
As for ATtD, I'm still writing. Although, I'm finding it hard to find time for it (naturally given what's going on in my life). My want to become a better writer has opened my eyes to the fact that I may be heading in the wrong direction with my current chapters I've yet to post, so that's really what's mucking up things. Stupid me started looking at the story as a serious piece, instead of my original intent to go where ever I want with it as long as I (and the readers) have fun. I don't want to get myself into a deep thought circle on how serious I should be, and then never get around to writing. @_@ So I won't. You may notice a change in my writing style... maybe. Stuff like punctuation certainly, and maybe deeper things as well, although don't expect miracles from me. XD Whatever happens, it will all be smoothed out and polished once editing and revising starts, so don't worry too much if things get a little choppy. I'll make it work! I also can't help but noticed I am so not even close to the page count I had this time last year. My writing time has shrunk, and the story is suffering because of it. I'm going to have to play with my schedule and dedicate a good three hours a day at least, to ATtD.
Hummm... and I think that's it for now. Hope I haven't inadvertently crushed you all--it's really not that bad. Now that the shock is gone it's all manageable. Just don't expect quick updates for a while until things stabilize around here. I'm still writing.
Luffs <3
~Vox
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