Insomnia
Holy shit -
I did it again. I didn't post for two months. I will add though that the lack of posting was not due to the presence of a man, but more due to the presence of work in my life again.
I started working in a lab and I let it fill my life with work, which I guess I'm good at doing. I started reading some of my last few entries, most of them about the numbness of break ups, and how sad I am without Jason. Looking back at them, what I realize most prominently is that I got the reason we broke up completely wrong. I guess that's normal; most people say that one can't judge a presidency for almost ten years until the president is gone. I suppose break ups are the same way.
I honestly think we both weren't ready. Just because everyone else was in a relationship that would lead to marriage or were engaged, didn't mean that we were sure either. Also, towards the end, he started taking me for granted, and pulling some awful douche-bag shit, some of which I'm sure you already know about. Finally, I think some of the reason was love. Somewhere along the line, he definitely fell out of love with me. And I knew it. And towards the end, after all the suffering between the two of us, I think I also fell out of love with him. I wanted to find it again. I searched desperately for months, even after we broke up, but in the end... it was gone. I don't think I was ready to admit that a few months back when I wrote those entries. A lot of the words seem hollow to me now.
As for laboratory work, it was fine. The lab was excellent - the PI was nice (even though he was one of the god-PIs, the ones you never ever see), the coworkers were really friendly and all had unique personalities, and the work was really interesting. If I were to do a PhD, it would have been the one to pick... but my post doc and I really didn't get along. He was nice enough I guess... except for when he wasn't. I tried to look on the bright side and just put up with it, but honestly, it got really bad to the point when some mornings, I would wake up, stare at my ceiling and wish to god I didn't have to go to work. And this is me. I'm a lab rat. I love benchwork. At the end, I even opted out of doing a presentation because it would require me to work with my guy for another day or two. It was finally a relief when I left the lab to start school. In any case, I no longer have any desire to do an MD-PhD.
Finally, I noticed that a few months back, I said I would start a secret blog. The thing is, I did. I even wrote two articles on the Etiquette of Fuck Buddies. Then something happened. I realized I knew nothing. The thing about etiquette, sex and people are that people are inherently flawed. When it comes to sex, love and romance, rules that we might have thought were so important fly away, only to return when we're single once more. Boundaries get stretched beyond recognition. And we all make mistakes. And have fun doing it. I realized it was ridiculous to try and write about such rules. People do fall in love. People do make mistakes. Me describing these mistakes will do nothing to minimize them in the future for anyone.
Also for those of you who were wondering... Yes, I did save up for a pair of Christian Louboutins. I then promptly spent the money at the Agent Provocateur's annual sale. Plus another 200. It turned out I made the right decision. =) Did I mention I'm working on a new costume? Now though, since I can't pour the energy and time into a sewing machine (especially since school started two days ago), it's going to have to be ready made pieces, instead of my usual start from scratch.
-Christine
PS: Check my flickr again! More pretty pictures from Jenn and my comic. I'll post better pictures soon. Promise. Wait. My promises on LJ clearly mean nothing. Ignore it.
I did it again. I didn't post for two months. I will add though that the lack of posting was not due to the presence of a man, but more due to the presence of work in my life again.
I started working in a lab and I let it fill my life with work, which I guess I'm good at doing. I started reading some of my last few entries, most of them about the numbness of break ups, and how sad I am without Jason. Looking back at them, what I realize most prominently is that I got the reason we broke up completely wrong. I guess that's normal; most people say that one can't judge a presidency for almost ten years until the president is gone. I suppose break ups are the same way.
I honestly think we both weren't ready. Just because everyone else was in a relationship that would lead to marriage or were engaged, didn't mean that we were sure either. Also, towards the end, he started taking me for granted, and pulling some awful douche-bag shit, some of which I'm sure you already know about. Finally, I think some of the reason was love. Somewhere along the line, he definitely fell out of love with me. And I knew it. And towards the end, after all the suffering between the two of us, I think I also fell out of love with him. I wanted to find it again. I searched desperately for months, even after we broke up, but in the end... it was gone. I don't think I was ready to admit that a few months back when I wrote those entries. A lot of the words seem hollow to me now.
As for laboratory work, it was fine. The lab was excellent - the PI was nice (even though he was one of the god-PIs, the ones you never ever see), the coworkers were really friendly and all had unique personalities, and the work was really interesting. If I were to do a PhD, it would have been the one to pick... but my post doc and I really didn't get along. He was nice enough I guess... except for when he wasn't. I tried to look on the bright side and just put up with it, but honestly, it got really bad to the point when some mornings, I would wake up, stare at my ceiling and wish to god I didn't have to go to work. And this is me. I'm a lab rat. I love benchwork. At the end, I even opted out of doing a presentation because it would require me to work with my guy for another day or two. It was finally a relief when I left the lab to start school. In any case, I no longer have any desire to do an MD-PhD.
Finally, I noticed that a few months back, I said I would start a secret blog. The thing is, I did. I even wrote two articles on the Etiquette of Fuck Buddies. Then something happened. I realized I knew nothing. The thing about etiquette, sex and people are that people are inherently flawed. When it comes to sex, love and romance, rules that we might have thought were so important fly away, only to return when we're single once more. Boundaries get stretched beyond recognition. And we all make mistakes. And have fun doing it. I realized it was ridiculous to try and write about such rules. People do fall in love. People do make mistakes. Me describing these mistakes will do nothing to minimize them in the future for anyone.
Also for those of you who were wondering... Yes, I did save up for a pair of Christian Louboutins. I then promptly spent the money at the Agent Provocateur's annual sale. Plus another 200. It turned out I made the right decision. =) Did I mention I'm working on a new costume? Now though, since I can't pour the energy and time into a sewing machine (especially since school started two days ago), it's going to have to be ready made pieces, instead of my usual start from scratch.
-Christine
PS: Check my flickr again! More pretty pictures from Jenn and my comic. I'll post better pictures soon. Promise. Wait. My promises on LJ clearly mean nothing. Ignore it.